This Pakistan Twitter General protects his people with tweets & only follows himself

Illustration by Soham Sen | ThePrint.in

I am a Pakistani Twitter General. I tweet when you sleep, I protect you with my tweets. The world may think otherwise but it is I who is defending the borders from all neigbhours and enemies. I scan through your social media timelines, and no, I am not looking for memes.

My work is hard and entails risks but have I ever shied away from taking those risks? Pakistanis can’t compare me with anyone else because there is no one else who does what I do on a daily basis.

In the history of Pakistan, there hasn’t been a soul like me. It takes just about a hundred characters for me to reject a sitting prime minister’s notification, like I did with PM Nawaz Sharif’s directives on the Dawn leaks issue.

When I face backlash, I say I’m withdrawing my tweet, but I don’t really delete the tweet. Why should I delete my tweets? My tweets are the first and last draft of history.

Notification on Dawn Leak is incomplete and not in line with recommendations by the Inquiry Board. Notification is rejected.

— DG ISPR (@OfficialDGISPR) April 29, 2017

I can tell the leaders of an indigenous rights movement that their time is up, I can talk back at politicians, I can bully journalists, I can even take to task those nasty creatures across the Line of Control. I don’t need guns or ammunition, my battalion of fake accounts like Papa ki princess and PatriotcYouth is enough to win battles.

My very humble request to @BushraGohar is to please avoid tweeting while being in front of mirror or using wrong glasses. Enjoy the good performance & match victory of Pakistan, belongs to all of us. Try make it for next match & support the team. Can be my personal guest. pic.twitter.com/5RjinxSonY

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) June 23, 2019

Dear @AmitShah yes ur team won a match. Well played.
Two things with different denominators can’t be compared. So are strikes & match. If in doubt please see results of our Nowshera counter strikes & response to IAF violation on 27 Feb19 downing two Indian jets.
Stay Surprised. https://t.co/cY089VmYIe

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) June 17, 2019

I hope BURNOL is available out there? If not, a favour can be done by my fellow Pakistanis on demand. Offer open to many more including for such alike in india. pic.twitter.com/CFpd8F3Fv1

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) September 27, 2019

IAF acknowledges Mi17 fratricide.
Remaining acknowledgments soon..
• 26 Feb PAF denied IAF strikes across LOC
• 27 Feb
~ 6 Strikes by PAF across LOC from within Pak Airspace
~ PAF shot down 2 IAF Jets
~ IAF pilot arrested, no F16 shot down
• Heavy losses to Indian Army on LOC pic.twitter.com/Nt4vkC2DOq

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) October 4, 2019

My press conferences are a treat to watch, I can talk all day and not complain. When Pashtun or Baloch people make a fuss about missing persons et al, I tell them everything is fair in love and war, but our love for Pakistan has more victims.

I am a peace lover, I don’t like wars, that’s why I make songs. I don’t like it when my army’s songs are stolen by inimical forces without acknowledgement. After all, that song was all I had to show to my boss.

Pakistani media isn’t covering the ‘so called’ song. In rest of the world this is called something else…
Second sentence of previous tweet ie “But copy to speak the truth as well” stays valid as expected.
This lie too not a surprise. That’s what was said, we can’t be surprised. https://t.co/3tJzg43ccF

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) April 15, 2019

I make photo collages to teach a lesson to my foes, when they don’t understand, I share their tweet screenshots.

By now, should know how to do it, the way we do…
Alhamdulillah.#NotByBreaking https://t.co/vOT4kc4v19 pic.twitter.com/WBd8CwBLKr

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) September 26, 2019

I have been asked so many questions about Balakot, the so-called surgical strike by India. I will try to explain that soon in my new drama serial with my pet dog Zoro in the lead.

I am a dog lover. I once got upset with an anti-Pakistani element, I tweeted at him that stray dogs are the responsibility of the community corporation. I’m still wondering why it offended so many.

As far as wandering & stray dogs are concerned, the nation not only shoots them on #SocialMedia, but also kicked out these dogs out of their respective territories & constituencies, But it’s not our circle authority to shoot such a crazy, stray & wandering dogs or poison them. pic.twitter.com/I7Tbs2jkNN

— Oranxaib ?? (@oranxaib) August 2, 2019

Kashmir, like the rest of Pakistan, is my jugular “vain” too, and nothing can take it away from us. I tell that to India in every tweet, if that’s not enough, check out the trends that my troops manufacture in Pakistan to convince the Pakistanis that Kashmir is really ours.

I am gifted with many talents. I am a doctor and an economist, that’s why I ordered chemotherapy for our economy. On the political front, I am a minister of all ministries. I am a scientist and an astronaut, it bothered me that India spent ‘900 billion’ on Chandrayaan-2 when clearly all that money could have been given to me.

Loss of 900 Billions to indian govt for losing communication with #Chandrayan2.
How much for blocking communication in IOJ&K?
Much much more…. and not financially alone.
In Shaa Allah.#کشمیر_بنے_گا_پاکستان

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) September 7, 2019

I love my followers to the moon and back. It is true that mine is a thankless job, so I don’t complain when my followers want to trend hashtags thanking me for doing nothing. Our “bondage” is beyond such gestures alone.

Dear Pakistanis u are desirous to put on military style caps/shirts during PSL Final. Pak Armed Forces humbly acknowledge your love & support. Sports are beyond politics & we believe that our bondage is beyond such gestures alone. Enjoy the game in CityOfLights.#PakistanZindabad

— DG ISPR (@OfficialDGISPR) March 14, 2019

People have attacked me for promoting the business of antiseptic Burnol – I scolded a commentator for calling out my PM’s speech at the UN – but they don’t have the wisdom to understand how it will enhance our business and turnaround our economy. Everything has a price to it and I know that. Even crudeness.

Not many people know this secret but I am my favourite. On Twitter, I follow myself and no one else. That’s my message to the youth of this wonderful nation called Pakistan. Life is tough, you have to follow your dreams, my dream was to follow myself and I am living my dream.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.