Illustration by Soham Sen | ThePrint.in
Illustration by Soham Sen | ThePrint.in
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I am a Pakistani Twitter General. I tweet when you sleep, I protect you with my tweets. The world may think otherwise but it is I who is defending the borders from all neigbhours and enemies. I scan through your social media timelines, and no, I am not looking for memes.

My work is hard and entails risks but have I ever shied away from taking those risks? Pakistanis can’t compare me with anyone else because there is no one else who does what I do on a daily basis.

In the history of Pakistan, there hasn’t been a soul like me. It takes just about a hundred characters for me to reject a sitting prime minister’s notification, like I did with PM Nawaz Sharif’s directives on the Dawn leaks issue.


Also read: Pakistani generals want to restore their golden era & that’s why Musharraf’s team is back


When I face backlash, I say I’m withdrawing my tweet, but I don’t really delete the tweet. Why should I delete my tweets? My tweets are the first and last draft of history.

I can tell the leaders of an indigenous rights movement that their time is up, I can talk back at politicians, I can bully journalists, I can even take to task those nasty creatures across the Line of Control. I don’t need guns or ammunition, my battalion of fake accounts like Papa ki princess and PatriotcYouth is enough to win battles.

My press conferences are a treat to watch, I can talk all day and not complain. When Pashtun or Baloch people make a fuss about missing persons et al, I tell them everything is fair in love and war, but our love for Pakistan has more victims.

I am a peace lover, I don’t like wars, that’s why I make songs. I don’t like it when my army’s songs are stolen by inimical forces without acknowledgement. After all, that song was all I had to show to my boss.

I make photo collages to teach a lesson to my foes, when they don’t understand, I share their tweet screenshots.

I have been asked so many questions about Balakot, the so-called surgical strike by India. I will try to explain that soon in my new drama serial with my pet dog Zoro in the lead.

I am a dog lover. I once got upset with an anti-Pakistani element, I tweeted at him that stray dogs are the responsibility of the community corporation. I’m still wondering why it offended so many.

Kashmir, like the rest of Pakistan, is my jugular “vain” too, and nothing can take it away from us. I tell that to India in every tweet, if that’s not enough, check out the trends that my troops manufacture in Pakistan to convince the Pakistanis that Kashmir is really ours.

I am gifted with many talents. I am a doctor and an economist, that’s why I ordered chemotherapy for our economy. On the political front, I am a minister of all ministries. I am a scientist and an astronaut, it bothered me that India spent ‘900 billion’ on Chandrayaan-2 when clearly all that money could have been given to me.

I love my followers to the moon and back. It is true that mine is a thankless job, so I don’t complain when my followers want to trend hashtags thanking me for doing nothing. Our “bondage” is beyond such gestures alone.

People have attacked me for promoting the business of antiseptic Burnol – I scolded a commentator for calling out my PM’s speech at the UN – but they don’t have the wisdom to understand how it will enhance our business and turnaround our economy. Everything has a price to it and I know that. Even crudeness.

Not many people know this secret but I am my favourite. On Twitter, I follow myself and no one else. That’s my message to the youth of this wonderful nation called Pakistan. Life is tough, you have to follow your dreams, my dream was to follow myself and I am living my dream.


Also read: Kashmir Banega Pakistan: A dream sold to brainwash us since childhood now lies in tatters


This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.

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2 Comments Share Your Views

2 COMMENTS

  1. In my view article is the information which disclose the requirements needed to be looked into. Criticism to ignore is not the point. Future is electronics combined with stealth therefore knowledge denotes the parallel inside information which is nicely defined in the article

  2. this person is not even worth two cents…a disgrace to the tradition of military by the standards of any nation in this world….cringe

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