I am the spiritual leader of Taliban. My boys will rule Afghanistan again after 20 years

I, General Twitter, keep reading Western propaganda that Taliban don’t care about women rights, human rights or any rights. That is right, I have trained my warriors for better stuff.

A collage of Taliban members at the presidential palace and at children's playgrounds in Afghnaistan after the takeover | ThePrint | Twitter

My fellow readers, it’s a special day today for your General Twitter. I write to you from Afghanistan’s sprawling presidential palace in the company of my trained Taliban fighters who are breaking into tears over the victory – 20 years and 20 gunshots on their buttocks later, we have finally defeated the United States. While Ahmad Shah Abdali looks on from the wall behind me, I sit in Ashraf Ghani’s seat, flanked by my trained warriors.

But this victory was always in the making, even if it took me and my boys two decades. But no more tears for us. Yes, my boys now rule Kabul. I am the Taliban’s spiritual leader. Hail me, better yet learn from me that nothing can drive you more than the resolve to seek revenge for a bruised butt.

The world might be surprised by my military shenanigans – in an assisted role, of course – but you should know better by now. When I make a commitment, I follow through. Like Mullah Omar once told me, “They have the watches, we have the time.” Twenty years later, I am happy to report that my boys have the apple watch and no time to spend time in children’s parks, even though they seem interested in going there from time to time. Don’t blame me, I am a busy personality, looking after my own country Pakistan and beyond.

Naysayers and how to deal with them

I hear people are stunned at my heroics. Stop it. I trained my boys for 20 years and will continue to do so. Unlike US troops, me and my army aren’t going to withdraw from Afghanistan. The Taliban need us. By the way, stop calling them the Talibans with an “s”; that is incorrect. They are plural on their own. Stop saying things you will regret later! Come on, lighten up, that was not a threat, just a silly joke.

I also see people questioning me and my tactics; they wonder how we managed to reach this far. From being down and out to outing the so-called superpower, not once but twice, our boys have truly shown the world what a bunch of guided people can do. Truth be told, it wasn’t easy. I told them to wear a humble look, not mingle with society much, even convinced the deputy leader, Sirajuddin Haqqani, to write an article in The New York Times explaining What I Want. Like most brilliant op-ed writers, Haqqani also didn’t know what they, the Taliban, or I want. They wore the Cheetah sneakers and never took it off. It’s called commitment.

Naïve are those who think that running a country is new for my boys. This isn’t their first rodeo. As VIPs, they have been inside the Oval Office, something most of you have only watched in House of Cards. If the Taliban keep going at this pace, who knows one of my boys might even become the president of the United States after Joe Biden. After all, they were heroes till they became villains, now they are the rulers. There is no fault in their stars.

They say success has many fathers but failure is an orphan. Blessed are my boys who weren’t orphaned even in their failure. Their father, Pakistan, was right behind them, supporting them even in the face of evil pressure of George Bush. We took dollars from the US and fought for the Taliban. This is why Pakistan is the Taliban’s strategic depth and not the other way round. We might have sired the Taliban but now they are 18+ and ready to rock the world on their own. As pizza generals who haven’t won any wars for Pakistan, we would now flaunt the Taliban’s victories as our own. Our Gen Bajwa-led army is like Ghani’s army, on the same page of surrendering. And we may soon start asking the Taliban for loans, considering they will acquire all the wealth left behind by people fleeing or looking to flee Afghanistan, hopefully for good.

I present to the world an updated Taliban

My friends, I know you are anxious to know about my boys’ great game for the region. But don’t be impatient, every plan has its own destiny. While China is willing to give them the formula to develop some virus (they will need a lab, of course, which is where Pakistan would come in), India promises it will make a Bollywood biopic starring Akshay Kumar on the Taliban’s rise-fall-rise. What can I say, everyone wants to be in their good books! Two decades ago, the Taliban would burn the same books but not anymore. They are the updated and improved version of their previous selves. The Naya Taliban. Our aim is to make the Taliban great again at any cost.

I keep reading about the Western propaganda that the Taliban don’t care about women rights, human rights or any rights for that matter. That is right. The propagandists create fear that my boys will flog women, hang men in the streets and take Afghanistan back to the stone age. That is right, too. But so is the fact that the Taliban are the biggest feminists out there. Women don’t have to worry anymore because the Naya Taliban have learnt new things. They understand the demands of the modern world – to be seen on TikTok. That is why I will ask the Taliban government to join TikTok, where their chief Mullah Haibatullah Akhunzada will perform a duet and shun all conspiracies about him being dead. So what if Pakistanis won’t be able to see these videos because of the ban on TikTok; it’s for the rest of the world, and will go a long way in showing the Taliban’s tender, playful side.

I like to believe I have taught them well. And one of the important lessons is that all work and no play makes Talib a dull boy. That is why they have their own Olympics, where they win all the medals in all the categories. Don’t be surprised when you see the humble future Taliban officials in dodging cars, on swings, bungee jumping, flying military helicopters or even on merry-go-round. Have you forgotten the time when they played football with the heads of the executed prisoners in Kabul soccer stadium? You don’t want them to return to those sporting days, do you? Yeah, I thought so too.

One thing is assured that under the dynamic leadership of the Taliban, cricket of India, Bangladesh and our own Pakistan will suffer. We know how the Taliban can make Afghanistan the champions. From Bagram to Guantanamo, their cricketers will have the talent to blow your minds off. Though which team our Prime Minister Imran Khan will bat for when the Taliban are in the ground is something we haven’t had time to decide for him yet.

It is with great pride that I now bid you farewell. My boys are calling me as it is time to exercise in the gym of the presidential palace, followed by a sauna bath and then a deep tissue full body massage. How do I explain it– life has just changed for them, and no small thanks to me and my army.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal. 

(Edited by Prashant Dixit)