I am back. You must have been wondering where I was all this time. Believe me, 2021 has been my kind of a year so far. Trying to save the ‘selected’ Imran Khan government in the National Assembly, overseeing the rigged election in Daska, the protests, my peace overtures with India even as we were discriminating against our home-grown talented terrorists of Pakistan.
They say my love for peace is my biggest weakness. They probably got this idea because I have made LoC a no-fire zone, and I am now thinking of even resuming trade with India. After all, when it comes to world peace, a Pakistani Army general will sacrifice everything. What do you really think? Perhaps it is true, although it was sad to see Sheikh Hasina getting photographed with Narendra Modi on Bangladesh’s 50th Independence Day in front of a portrait of my boys signing the 1971 surrender deal. You would think my Pakistani boys will have some shame. No, they were laughing so hard that I started feeling humiliated.
Anyway, the first three months of 2021 have been exhausting but worth every penny. How about you, my dear readers? Aren’t you happy to be alive to hear from me? After all, I am the only one who gives two cents about you. Your leaders and ministers are either sleeping, eating or politicking. I am the only unconditional support you have and I don’t even mind eating for you, especially if it is pizza.
And I look after you even when I am not well. I recently contracted Covid-19 along with Prime Minister Imran khan and his wife. Think whatever you want but it was not a good experience. I am at ease after getting the shot of CanSino vaccine. I can now vouch for all the conspiracy theories doing the rounds about the Chinese vaccine. By the way, I am now half Chinese — it’s not a joke, my friends.
Also read: Dear Pakistanis, don’t get swayed by Nawaz Sharif. Think of all I do for PM Imran Khan
A sad life for our terror boys
Despite all my troubles, I never stop caring about Pakistanis. As your favourite General in the whole wide world, it is my responsibility to protect you from all dangers. It is for this reason that I have decided to invite Indian and Chinese armies for terrorism training. Together, the three armies will do what Pakistan does best. No, I don’t mean training terrorists, you fools. What better place can there be to learn about terrorism and terrorists than our home called Pakistan.
This reminds me of the discrimination being meted out to our talented terrorists like Hafiz Saeed, Masood Azhar, Zakiur Rehman Lakhvi and even Syed Salahuddin. While the likes of Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh are set free after killing an American-Jew like Daniel Pearl, our talented men suffer in jail. And for what? I will tell you, their crime is that they didn’t cut someone up like Sheikh did. Give my men a chance and they will prove their mettle too. Our government told the world that talented Masood Azhar went missing. In reality, they were trying to tell that the world was missing them, in action.
Where are you Rihanna, Mia Khalifa? Why aren’t you talking about this? Desi Terror Lives Matter too! But enough of our terror boys.
Also read: This Pakistani General had seen everything by age of 4. He now wants you to read his doctrine
A new chapter in BDSM
I want you to know that the Pakistan Army has no role in politics. If you still don’t get this, then a quick visit to the nearby mental hospital is advised. As my dear friend Mr Shekhar Gupta has time and again confirmed: ALL COUPS IN PAKISTAN ARE BLOODLESS BECAUSE WE ARE ALWAYS READY FOR A COUP. Now, we are no rookies like the United States of Donald Trump or even the erstwhile East Pakistan — they gave up on the idea of coup even before it could do wonders for them. Where is the fun in that, folks? Perhaps Bangladesh ran out of pure breed Gernails from the Pakistan Military Academy! If that is so, I can lend them some golf-playing, plot-holding Generals to revive the joys of coup and corruption.
Life is surreal, my friends. That is why I have now taken a lead on the Bajwa Doctrine that I taught you in 2019. This year, the Bajwa Doctrine of Sadomasochism, better known as BDSM, pushes the envelope further. The plan is to keep playing the game of intrigue, act as if nothing ever happened with India and everything will be good unless I think otherwise. We will act as friends until we have to be enemies again. Simple. On the ground, we plan to do nothing that India, UAE or even the US wants us to do. The new US President Joe Biden is with me on my plan. Why else do you think your favourite General Twitter helped him win the 2020 election? He is my boy.
Some have started saying I might be getting old. But you know, in Pakistan, Generals never get old. It is my forward thinking I chose to stay at the helm of affairs otherwise Pakistan would be facing a tougher time right now. I conducted a parade in my honour to show you my military might, though you might have found it phony. What I do next is not a secret, for even I don’t know what my secrets are. It is no hoax that I am my own best kept secret. Until my next secret is out, ciao.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Prashant Dixit)
this is all he could do… trained to do.. disgrace entire country, entire nation for what???
Never beleive this super idiot Bajwa and porkistani army goons.He only barks blah,blah with out any head and tail.Time has come he should be send to mental asylum.
From what we hear “Sadomasochism” is a Pathan specialty, perfected by the General and enjoying with his PM and of course the country at large.
While they were the blue-eyed boys of Chacha Sam, Pak generals were among the richest anywhere on earth (and probably still are, owning over 50% of all land and businesses in that country) courtesy of the generous US taxpayers. Now that they are Chacha Xi’s ‘all-weather friend-and-ally’, the mandarins are not as free-handed as their erstwhile US masters, making the continual waging war of attrition and proxy war not as profitable anymore…might that might explain their generals’ volte face and appeal for “peace” along the LoC?
Nonsensical. Time the Print’s chief editor gets over his Pak obsession. Grow up.
Pathetic humour! Trying hopelessly to copy the back page of the Friday Times, Lahore
This is just not worthy of the Print at all.
How do you know it’s not Najam Sethi himself who has written the article? These days people aren’t able to write freely in Pakistan about the military. So he could have written himself on The Print.