Hello, dears. Stay blessed dears. This year, December has come in January and I have to surrender.
Today, I have a heavy heart, not because I have to move on, mere pyare Pakistaniyo, but because I am worried about Pakistan, which is passing through such a critical phase in its history, and I don’t know if it can stomach my loss.
New Year 2020 has brought new beginnings for strays or those wayward like me. My boss got the extension, I didn’t. This is surprising because, given the current situation with India and the impending World War 3, my tenure should have been extended for two more terms at least.
After all, it is I who protects you with my tweets while you comfortably sleep. But not everything in life is fair, even if I believe that everything is fair in love and war.
To my detractors, I say…
My detractors think they have the last laugh just because I have been replaced as DG ISPR. Let them think that. But what they won’t be able to explain is how come an irrelevant tweeter, with no significant reach, become a champion of fifth-generation warfare (5GW)? I have crowned myself not only the King of 5GW but also the master of 7GW, 9GW, and 11GW. If you don’t believe me, then you can take a look at the patriotism in my jeans. No money in the world can buy my jeans. I am the inventor of the hybrid fifth-generation jeans.
People call my behaviour uncouth, complain about my street-fighting abilities and my repellent personality. But look at the positive side: with me around, you don’t need an insect repellent.
You have called me Ghafoora/Ghafoorey, General Zoro (after my dog), General Fookra and General 5GW. I wear all these titles like badges of honour, my dears.
Many have said that I was thrown out for not following the Twitter rule of “don’t drink and tweet”. I mean, do you even know me at all? I drink only when I have to tweet! Why else would a handsome man like me open his heart before the whole world and tweet to Deepika Padukone on her bravery? (Of course, bravery ki tareef toh bahana tha, asal maqsad Deepika ka attention paana tha.) But my boss, jealous that DP might like my tweet, or god forbid, post a reply, forced me to delete the tweet. Such is life, I tell you.
I had to delete my fistfight with a journalist, but never mind I invited my trolls over tea to manage the situation online. They trended hashtags against the two and told me that the tea was fantastic. Although, I have lost a battalion of Twitter soldiers in the process and it boils my blood every time I think of these two.
The state has mobs on ground for people within reach and for overseas they have cyber mob.
It has not worked over last so many years and it will not work.
We mever went to a military academy so we never learnt to surrender.
Resistance will continue. pic.twitter.com/G3uiiqphxz
— Ahmad Waqass Goraya (@AWGoraya) January 14, 2020
To be fair, the last few months have been tough, but exhilarating, for a national hero like me. I killed 60 Indian soldiers on Twitter; had social media accounts glorify my existence and help me win Pakistan’s second-highest civilian award, Hilal-e-Imtiaz (Crescent of Excellence); made my first patriotic item number (not with a Pakistani but an Indian girl, mind you); tweeted day and night with #BeginningOfTheEnd; and asked: “should an already butchered be butchered again?” (That last one didn’t go down well for me, at home or outside, but with so many hits, you are bound to have a miss. My critics don’t get this simple logic.)
Pic 1. The item song is by an indian girl in the movie as per her role, you may watch movie to know the context.
Pic 2. It is neither at GHQ (GHQ is at Rwp not Islamabad) nor of an event organised for ISPR as such.
— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) October 28, 2019
These perennial fault-finders also don’t understand other basic stuff, like why I wanted ‘peaceforchange’: I needed some change.
Therefore, I suggest you focus on your studies so that one day you don’t end up like me. After all, who doesn’t want to be like me (other than, probably, me)?
All of you out there, thank me
In the three years and one month of my service as DG ISPR, I taught journalists about ethics and ethos, kept Endian journalists on my radar, and also gave lessons to British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) on how to do stories, which they clearly did not know until I told them: “Before undertaking the story, an interaction is suggested to know the facts.” I can’t teach angrezi to the angrez, but I can teach them journalism.
News story published by BBC on 2nd June 2019, titled “Uncovering Pakistan's Secret Human Rights Abuses” is pack of lies and in violation of journalistic ethos.
The issue is being formally taken up with BBC authorities. pic.twitter.com/A3QtbXJIkS
— DG ISPR (@OfficialDGISPR) June 3, 2019
I have also tried to teach the Indian Army how to stay out of politics. Who knows it better than me: my use of a Quranic verse – Aur Allah Jise Chahe Izzat De, Aur Jise Chahe Zillat De – on the eve of the 2018 general election was so subtle that I celebrated the win of Imran Khan and the ouster of Nawaz Sharif without anyone getting my drift. Except, perhaps, the new Indian Army chief, Gen M.M. Naravane, who is learning how to use my rhetoric. But my advice to him would be to not jump the gun yet: the next parliamentary election in India is still more than four years away, so no need for rhetoric yet. I do pity these Indian military people, though; they don’t get to engineer elections the way Pakistani Army does here.
In the name of Kashmir, I gave jobs to the jobless such as Veena Malik, Shahid Afridi, British boxer Amir Khan – and Accent music group, which, frankly, no one in Pakistan knows about and so I had to tell the group members that Pakistanis are their fans.
For my successor
My replacement, the new DG ISPR Babar Iftikhar, has big shoes to fill. I say that with humility. My tenure touched newer heights, although never of the kind that my tweets did. But I have a feeling Babar will do well. In the first photograph of him doing rounds on social media, he clearly looks like he is a single malt down. It sure is a good start and signals his intent to take off from where I left.
My advice to Babar will be to never take the high road – I never did and now look where I stand. It was the first time in the history of Pakistan that people came out to declare #ISPROurProud. Will Babar unfollow me from the official DG ISPR account? I don’ think so.
It’s not a goodbye
My time is up, dears. I will now head to Okara. But no goodbyes, my dears. If in the luscious Okara farms you find a truck full of burnol, don’t be surprised because that would be for me. My favourite strays need special attention in the winters. I am sad but I am telling my supporters, #NoIssueLayloTissue.
This medicine is only for the burns and not for any other discomfort or disease. Symptoms indicate requirement of consulting a psychiatrist or even a good surgeon as well. pic.twitter.com/vKszesQg1J
— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) January 12, 2020
Pakistani dears, as you voluntarily trend #TributeToAsifGhafoor Salam Asif Ghafoor on Twitter, I want to apologise to your relatives and their relatives and their neighbours to whom I could not personally respond. You know it was not out of arrogance but just lack of time.
If India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, Pakistan would have been a peaceful nation. But then again, if India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, then in all probability, we would have a border with Germany and Japan, and there would have been no DG ISPR. So, thank god for the small mercies. From here on, if you don’t hear from me, just remember that silence is also an expression. Stay blessed dears. Sleep well Beta. #PakistanZindabad #BeginningOfMyEnd.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.