Friday, March 24, 2023
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Boss Bajwa got extension, I didn’t. But don’t worry Pakistani dears, I will be Gen Twitter

The DG ISPR who made you proud and protected you with his tweets is forced to surrender as Gen Babar Iftikhar takes over. But no issue, lelo tissue.

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Hello, dears. Stay blessed dears. This year, December has come in January and I have to surrender.

Today, I have a heavy heart, not because I have to move on, mere pyare Pakistaniyo, but because I am worried about Pakistan, which is passing through such a critical phase in its history, and I don’t know if it can stomach my loss.

New Year 2020 has brought new beginnings for strays or those wayward like me. My boss got the extension, I didn’t. This is surprising because, given the current situation with India and the impending World War 3, my tenure should have been extended for two more terms at least.

After all, it is I who protects you with my tweets while you comfortably sleep. But not everything in life is fair, even if I believe that everything is fair in love and war.

Also read: This Pakistani General had seen everything by age of 4. He now wants you to read his doctrine

To my detractors, I say…

My detractors think they have the last laugh just because I have been replaced as DG ISPR. Let them think that. But what they won’t be able to explain is how come an irrelevant tweeter, with no significant reach, become a champion of fifth-generation warfare (5GW)? I have crowned myself not only the King of 5GW but also the master of 7GW, 9GW, and 11GW. If you don’t believe me, then you can take a look at the patriotism in my jeans. No money in the world can buy my jeans. I am the inventor of the hybrid fifth-generation jeans.

People call my behaviour uncouth, complain about my street-fighting abilities and my repellent personality. But look at the positive side: with me around, you don’t need an insect repellent.

You have called me Ghafoora/Ghafoorey, General Zoro (after my dog), General Fookra and General 5GW. I wear all these titles like badges of honour, my dears.

Many have said that I was thrown out for not following the Twitter rule of “don’t drink and tweet”. I mean, do you even know me at all? I drink only when I have to tweet! Why else would a handsome man like me open his heart before the whole world and tweet to Deepika Padukone on her bravery? (Of course, bravery ki tareef toh bahana tha, asal maqsad Deepika ka attention paana tha.But my boss, jealous that DP might like my tweet, or god forbid, post a reply, forced me to delete the tweet. Such is life, I tell you.

I had to delete my fistfight with a journalist, but never mind I invited my trolls over tea to manage the situation online. They trended hashtags against the two and told me that the tea was fantastic. Although, I have lost a battalion of Twitter soldiers in the process and it boils my blood every time I think of these two.

To be fair, the last few months have been tough, but exhilarating, for a national hero like me. I killed 60 Indian soldiers on Twitter; had social media accounts glorify my existence and help me win Pakistan’s second-highest civilian award, Hilal-e-Imtiaz (Crescent of Excellence); made my first patriotic item number (not with a Pakistani but an Indian girl, mind you); tweeted day and night with #BeginningOfTheEnd; and asked: “should an already butchered be butchered again?” (That last one didn’t go down well for me, at home or outside, but with so many hits, you are bound to have a miss. My critics don’t get this simple logic.)

These perennial fault-finders also don’t understand other basic stuff, like why I wanted ‘peaceforchange’: I needed some change.

Therefore, I suggest you focus on your studies so that one day you don’t end up like me. After all, who doesn’t want to be like me (other than, probably, me)?

Also read: This Pakistan Twitter General protects his people with tweets & only follows himself

All of you out there, thank me

In the three years and one month of my service as DG ISPR, I taught journalists about ethics and ethos, kept Endian journalists on my radar, and also gave lessons to British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) on how to do stories, which they clearly did not know until I told them: “Before undertaking the story, an interaction is suggested to know the facts.” I can’t teach angrezi to the angrez, but I can teach them journalism.

I have also tried to teach the Indian Army how to stay out of politics. Who knows it better than me: my use of a Quranic verse – Aur Allah Jise Chahe Izzat De, Aur Jise Chahe Zillat De – on the eve of the 2018 general election was so subtle that I celebrated the win of Imran Khan and the ouster of Nawaz Sharif without anyone getting my drift. Except, perhaps, the new Indian Army chief, Gen M.M. Naravane, who is learning how to use my rhetoric. But my advice to him would be to not jump the gun yet: the next parliamentary election in India is still more than four years away, so no need for rhetoric yet. I do pity these Indian military people, though; they don’t get to engineer elections the way Pakistani Army does here.

In the name of Kashmir, I gave jobs to the jobless such as Veena Malik, Shahid Afridi, British boxer Amir Khan – and Accent music group, which, frankly, no one in Pakistan knows about and so I had to tell the group members that Pakistanis are their fans.

Also read: Top Pakistan general & Bajwa’s successor ‘forced to resign after weeks in house arrest’

For my successor

My replacement, the new DG ISPR Babar Iftikhar, has big shoes to fill. I say that with humility. My tenure touched newer heights, although never of the kind that my tweets did. But I have a feeling Babar will do well. In the first photograph of him doing rounds on social media, he clearly looks like he is a single malt down. It sure is a good start and signals his intent to take off from where I left.

My advice to Babar will be to never take the high road – I never did and now look where I stand. It was the first time in the history of Pakistan that people came out to declare #ISPROurProud. Will Babar unfollow me from the official DG ISPR account? I don’ think so.

It’s not a goodbye

My time is up, dears. I will now head to Okara. But no goodbyes, my dears. If in the luscious Okara farms you find a truck full of burnol, don’t be surprised because that would be for me. My favourite strays need special attention in the winters. I am sad but I am telling my supporters, #NoIssueLayloTissue.

Pakistani dears, as you voluntarily trend #TributeToAsifGhafoor Salam Asif Ghafoor on Twitter, I want to apologise to your relatives and their relatives and their neighbours to whom I could not personally respond. You know it was not out of arrogance but just lack of time.

If India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, Pakistan would have been a peaceful nation. But then again, if India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, then in all probability, we would have a border with Germany and Japan, and there would have been no DG ISPR. So, thank god for the small mercies. From here on, if you don’t hear from me, just remember that silence is also an expression. Stay blessed dears. Sleep well Beta. #PakistanZindabad #BeginningOfMyEnd.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.

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  1. Writer is just doing catharsis while making fun of pakistani Army. In reality they can’t do anything due to their poor army

  2. Your article was all in good humour before you indulged in making fun of Islam.I must warn you to edit the part of Quranic verses or I will take up this issue with the higher authorities of ThePrint.You wish to disparage Pakistan and Pakistanis ? Fine but leave Islam out of this and again REMOVE the part regarding Quarnic verses or I will post this article on every social media platform and in the near future you cow piss drinkers will be hunted by your own indian muslims for committing blasphemy.I swear this message is in way a farce.Just remove the part concerning Holy verses or you will be responsible for the consequences .Blasphemy is something no muslim will ever tolerate.

  3. ..also gave lessons to British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) on how to do storie,..

    Lol… Who can give lessons to BBC in how to do stories?

  4. Ask to ur Idiots indian genrals ,happy that Asif is gone ,but remember and fear as he defeat indians in media war now in next episod he will nail Indians in battle field.

  5. I came to here to say that, you can’t remove the love WE all have for Dgispr. ( General Asif Ghafoor sb ) and we will love more to new Dgispr.
    One thing for certain is , you will never be able to remove love and respect we all have for our army.

    Pakistan Painda Baad.

  6. I appreciate the boldness strength nationalism braveness and Loyalty for the Country Of General Asif.
    Live Long Pakistan ❤ Live Long. Asif Ghafoor.❤

    • F-16 dead pilot ka naam pata chala from CMH? F-16 ke tukde Orange Truck me jate dekhe pakistan me? Jab pata chale to batana. ha ha ha This is what happens when losers are not given all the info because its too embarrassing to admit. Just like today when your generals write books to tell stories how they LOST all the wars. Some Airforce person 10 years from now will WRITE a book how they lost a F-16 and a pilot. You know retirement funds ke liye… Losers.

    • We thought Paki’s were hospitable people! One cup of tea and so much rukus?! We gave tea also fed 90000 paki’s including the coward uncle of your leader! But you dont hear us going on and on!

  7. Long long article reflects on pure pathetic Hindu and anti-Pakistan mentality. Feel pity on clueless writer………. essentially a boyish mindset. Long live Pakistan and her proud Armed Forces.

    • Yup keep feeling proud on loser army that lost every war it fought (Read some of the books your OWN generals have written or some Technocrats have written how EVERY war was LOST by pakistan). Every battle it lost. You even lost battles with taliban. Keep deluding yourself. This is a satire on his gaffes – He was goofiest of all soldiers in the world. Face the reality and chill.

  8. The mere swath and length of this article reflects the level of BURN on so many parts of you Indians that can’t be named here. Institutions reign supreme you bafoons not the personalities..DG ISPR remains there to give you more BURNS in times to come while Gen Asif has to move on for professional pursuits; will be a three star in 6 months time…

    • If we go by your rationale, then one can only imagine the burn your DG, your PM must feel as they go on and on and on about India, just read your own newspapers, atleast 5-6 articles on India everyday! Obsessed much?

    • If institutions reign supreme and not the person..then why so much drama to Keep Bajwa in power by giving extension?

  9. My Goodness, how relieved you are to see General Ghafoor not in ISPR. All this celebration shows that you take a sigh of relief & can take a cold water in this winter but get ready with Tissue Box for General Iftikhar.

  10. You may well posted the blog but could not change your script.
    Patriotism does not demand reward but has rewarded being patrotic. Long live DG ISPR Gen Asif Ghafoor! Long Live Pakistan!

  11. You may well posted the blog but could not change your script.
    Patriotism does not demand reward but has rewarded being patrotic. Long live DG ISPR Gen Asif Ghafoor! Long Live Pakistan

  12. The most stupid in the world are now PM, CDS and Indian army chief

    They are so stupid that they think there barking will be heard anywhere in the world.

    Those ugly looking stupidityly behaving morons can just bark and threat
    But when times come they salay fun daba ker bhag jatai Hain
    And just start singing ” tea is fantastic ”


    Ugly diseased rapist intolerant and most ethnic looking bunch of idiots are Indians

  13. Typical third class indian propaganda against ISPR. Indians remained slaves for 1000 years under muslim rule so they need 1000 years to grow n mature…….but RSS wont let them think. They ll perish soon.

  14. Well the generals going for a field appointment and hopefully get promoted to Lt gen rank whereas this article shows that he got thrown away… ouch losing 2 planes and 1 heli in a single day sure hurts … need burnol ….

  15. By mistake “the print” sometimes presents pro-india articles…

    Well galati sab se hoti hai, even “the printer” ghafool made horrible mistakes #secondpilot

  16. Salute to you Sir. Sher (lion) kuch pal k liye apni kuchar me gaya hai jab nikle ga tu uski dhaar se phir se Pakistan k dushmano pe maut ka larza taari honga. Best wishes for you Sir
    Pakistan Zindabad

    • Someone should let these Paki’s know that this article is a satire. May need to lookup dictionary to see what that means

  17. There is no difference between Asif Ghaffoor DG ISPR & “The Print” Social Media. Asif Ghafoor with his hired gang is busy with Tweets on 24 x 7 basis, 365 days shaming India & The Print with hired Journalists busy with shaming Modi on 24×7 basis, 365 days. Disgusting to read Ghafoors Tweets & The Print articles shaming Indian

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