Pakistan is jailing me for 11 years. That’s what I get for my service of training jihadis

The defence of Pakistan is in my safe hands. Who knows, 10 years on I could become the selected prime minister of Pakistan.

File photo of JuD chief Hafiz Saeed | PTI

My name is not Khan and I AM a terrorist. But there is more to me. I am a philanthropist, revolutionist, destructionist, activist, perfectionist, feminist — and now, a Twitter Terrorist. Although my account remains suspended by Twitter.

Like the rest of Pakistan, this space on social media too was for long occupied by General Twitter. But not anymore. After all, I am no less than any Pakistani general. I have served my country by training jihadis and making hate speeches at the Jummah sermons. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also a professor.

I am now on course to becoming a baby daddy, again. How? Well, an anti-terrorism court has sentenced me to 11 years behind bars. Now, you do know how things work out for us in these jails of ours, don’t you? My friend Zakiur Rehman Lakhvi started it, when he fathered a child in Adiala Jail in Rawalpindi and nicknamed him Maulana Adialvi. Then Ehsanullah Ehsan got lucky in Pakistan Army’s captivity or something like that. They both started it and now I will take it to the next level. This is like our own terrorist bro code.

Modi is the real problem

You might wonder why I would spend 11 years in jail, when my terrorist brother Ehsan escaped to Turkey. I also think the same but like they say, ‘ghar ka murga is daal barabar’. That reminds me, daal in Naya Pakistan is now costlier than chicken. Inflation has hit me hard too. I only get $1,000 from United Nations as pocket money every month. Brother Ehsan was promised $65,000 by Pakistan Army and all I got was just Netflix and chill. My problems won’t end. Sometimes I feel I should go to the US and collect the $10 million bounty on me from President Donald Trump myself. From his tweets, he looks like a reasonable man. 

I don’t know why they blame me for Mumbai attacks. I haven’t even been to Delhi. My dream of hoisting the flag at Lal Qila is blurring by the day.

My heart cries but my eyes are dry. This is how much it pains me to see Kashmiris suffer at the hands of the Modi Sarkar. Narendra Modi is behind everything that happens in India, and probably in Pakistan too. Although not a Kashmiri – I am a Punjabi – but I still don’t get it why people find it so hard to see me as the ‘son of Kashmir’. When I don Kashmiri Pheran in solidarity with my brothers and my sister Asiya Andrabi, I look exactly like Omar Abdullah. I couldn’t free Kashmir but I will free the rivers of Pakistan from the clutches of India. 

India doesn’t get me but I am like their SRK

Yogi Adityanath, who is the chief minister of Uttar Pradesh in India, had said that Shah Rukh Khan is like Hafiz Saeed, that there is hardly any difference between the language of Shah Rukh Khan and Hafiz Saeed. It’s so true. I was the Veer in Veer–Zaara and the Rahul in all those films where SRK played Rahul. You might remember me as Raj Aryan in Mohabbatein, my best work so far.

It saddens me to see how my Muslim brothers and sisters are suffering today in India. It was for this reason that I had invited Shah Rukh Khan to come and live in Pakistan. Yogi told him to “Go to Pakistan” and I opened my arms for him. If he had accepted my offer, I would have made him the lead hero of Lashkar-e-Taiba. Katrina Kaif, on the other hand, disappointed me by being part of Phantom, a film that clearly made me out as a villain. 

Just a misunderstood terrorist

People have misunderstood me my entire life. Yes, I am a terrorist but I have a good heart. Having rich experience in philanthropy, I offered humanitarian aid to the United States during superstorm Sandy. India doesn’t get that. I always say Pakistan should make peace with India and fight the real war against Uncle Sam. Amrika is our common enemy.

People ask me why I send other people’s sons into jihad and not my own son. I tell them that if I can get an injection that makes my son see 72 hoors, then where’s the need for him to blow himself up.

After pillion riding ban in Pakistan, I am the second most banned and most jailed person. I will miss that now because I will be in jail. But my philanthropic work will continue even from behind the bars. It was due to my efforts that the father of Salahuddin Ayubi, the boy who was tortured to death in police custody, agreed to pardon the police. It won’t be long before I will solve Palestine and Israel conflicts too. The Nobel Peace Prize is possible now. 

Who knows, I could be PM

It’s sad that after decades of service, I still have to prove my worth when legislators ask: ‘What eggs is Hafiz Saeed laying that Pakistan protects him?’ I have always laid eggs of gold for my country. Interior Minister Shehryar Afridi promised my group that no one could touch me and offered full support to my political wing until he was in the office. But when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

The defence of Pakistan is in my safe hands and I have the faujis wrapped around my fingers. General Pervez Musharraf calls himself my biggest supporter; Asif Ghafoor vouches for me that being a Pakistani citizen, I could participate in the elections. I say politics is the art of the impossible, and though it might seem today that my time is up, who knows, 10 years on I could become the selected prime minister of Pakistan.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.