In this war between Israel and Iran, I stand with India. Now don’t ask why. As your favourite General X, my interest rests in making sure that Pakistan is rented in any war, anywhere, anyhow. You can describe my current state as beghani jung mein Pakistan deewana (Pakistan going crazy in an unrelated war).
East or West, Iran is the best
Don’t blame me for the fear of missing out on a spectacular war. How else do you think we are going to become the next superpower? You know that with wars come dollars, and trust me, friends, we need lots of those dollars. Recall the heyday of Afghanistan jihad against the Soviets and then the War on Terror in Afghanistan; Pakistan made hay while Americans paid.
That golden era needs to return. That’s why I invited the Iranian president, Ebrahim Raisi, to Pakistan.
Of course, we had no love for Iran in January when it was dropping missiles on Pakistan and accusing us of terrorism. Then I told you that Iran was just as bad for us as India, now I am telling you east or west, Iran is the best. We understand that Iran didn’t attack Pakistan, it was only practising its aim — the real target was Israel. In good faith, I have offered Iran our Islamic atom bomb, which is hardly breaking news considering how Pakistan believes that sharing is caring. Although, I have requested customer feedback on the bomb, I’m unsure if it works or not.
Also read: I declined Ambanis’ invite because I had to select the PM—Pakistani General X
Why ghar mein ghus ke marenge?
‘What on earth has hit Rajnath Singh?’ is a question I never thought I’d ask in this lifetime. Looks like he has started taking his job as India’s defence minister a bit too seriously. Or is he planning to replace Prime Minister Narendra Modi soon? If not the PM post, maybe he’s gunning for a spot on Bigg Boss?
This ‘angry young man’ look doesn’t suit you, my dear Singh. You looked better issuing statements of ‘kadi ninda’ (strong condemnation) like old days. Saying ghar mein ghus ke marenge (we will barge into your home and kill) is a betrayal I might never recover from.
Why do you want to go door-to-door killing retired terrorists when I am already doing that for you in Pakistan? Learn from your mistakes in Canada. Have some respect for teamwork. If not, at least send Saif Ali Khan for the clean-up operation.
It is due to such Indian threats that poor Jaish-e-Mohammad chief Masood Azhar had to give up his peaceful day jobs of being missing, dropping dead, remaining sick or never existing. Now the poor terrorist has become ChatGPT itself, ask him anything and he will answer. There are thousands of queries that pour in every morning from suicide belts not working to love lives exploding and of course climate change. As a global terror entrepreneur, Maulana Azhar has answers to all your questions, but no answers to his predicament—whether India will also hunt him down in his home.
Also read: Dear Pakistanis, we won’t turn into Sudan. Our army has always had unchecked power
Ninth most powerful army
It’s not only Masood Azhar who keeps communication channels open with followers. As your army chief, I have also made a WhatsApp group of sorts. Only businessmen who can be of use to me are on it. It’s part of my duties as the commander of the social media corps, which also puts me in charge of blocking X endlessly in Pakistan. It’s something I do for you, so that you see, hear and speak no evil.
As the world’s ninth-strongest military, it is our duty to provide ourselves with new business opportunities. Managing livestock in the mountains of Gilgit Baltistan is our newest venture.
Sure, it might be true that apart from our duty of security we like to butt into everything. But it’s not truer than our ability to build new businesses.
Our military prowess can be seen through the Pakistan cricket team’s performance against New Zealand. It was after rigorous training in the Pakistani Military Academy at Kakul that several cricketers were injured. Now these cricketers won’t only win us games but wars too!
I have received a lot of your WhatsApp messages about former Chief of Army Staff Qamar Javed Bajwa taking an oath on the Quran at a wedding and saying he didn’t conspire to oust Imran Khan. My position is simple; so what if Bajwa conspired against Khan? No one in this country can hold him or officers like ex-Director General of the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) Faiz Hameed accountable for crossing the line. Why, you ask. There is no line for my men in uniform, therefore, they have committed no crime.
PS: Pakistanis who are elated to get a national holiday for Raisi’s visit should know that I plan to give permanent residence to him. Get ready for a permanent holiday.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)