My dear compatriots, you might be celebrating Eid today, but for me, it is like every other day. I, your favourite General, live and breathe to eat sheer khurma at your cost. You know that’s how much I love freebies, and that includes your appreciation for me, mostly for doing nothing or doing the obvious. Whatever, you decide.
My recent grand appearance in parliament is one such gesture that has won me more fans. Welcomed by the thumping and roaring of assembly desks, I did feel like the king of the world. No, not because I threatened parliament with my danda or my tanks without petrol. But for a change, I promised to stand by the people of Pakistan and their elected representatives. You can say I have changed. It’s laughable that doing my assigned job — like standing by parliament — wins me nationwide thankfulness.
I must tell my friends that these politicians are stupid at best. They will forgive and forget in a minute all the wrongs my predecessors did — toppling their governments being just the tip of the iceberg. But of course, that was me, hence the love for me. That is why I say no to Naya Pakistan or Purana Pakistan and yes to Humara Pakistan. The dividend of coining such terms is my prime minister giving me credit for borrowing billions of dollars from friendly countries in these testing financial times.
I am on a high. And with such a performance, my next invite might be from India for the G20 in Jammu and Kashmir. I do think that is the closest I can get to freeing Kashmir or even seeing it. Nevertheless, don’t mind the Pakistan foreign office’s condemnation of the summit because it’s either that or standing in the sun for 30 minutes. Now, you wouldn’t want the entire foreign office sun stroked over such a trivial issue.
Also read: As former ISI spy and professional soldier, let me tell you—Pakistan’s ready for Mission Peace
Strategic depth to strategic death
I cry as much as you, my fellow Pakistanis. Not because of the dollar going out of my reach or the project of the Taliban going south. While we installed the Taliban successfully in Afghanistan after a double game with the United States for two decades, the problem is the homegrown Pakistani Taliban, who are now waging a war against us again. What was supposed to be our strategic depth has now become our strategic death. Life is unfair, I warn you.
Now people constantly talk about the accountability of those who bungled Project Taliban by settling thousands of ‘ex’ terrorists in Pakistan’s tribal areas. All because they gave up guns and promised to behave themselves. But they were only joking around. I have complained to parliament that bringing these ‘good Taliban’ back home and negotiating with them was a mistake. But who will pay for those past mistakes? General (retd) Qamar Javed Bajwa or Lt Gen. (retd) Faiz Hameed? Precisely none.
Waiting for scandals
Our past generals are like past presidents of the US. They can go to war and destroy countries looking for weapons that were never there, but they will only be punished for sexual transgressions. My good friend Bill Clinton came close to becoming the first POTUS (President of the United States) to be impeached for oral sex in the Oval Office. Donald Trump is now the first US president indicted for the hush money paid to a porn star. So, if you have any such scandal involving our generals, then I am waiting.
Dear Pakistanis, I know that my avatar as a neutral General has caused many problems for you. The Chief Justice of Pakistan is one. Don’t worry, he soon shall understand that I am neutral but still very useful. I read your anguish about the direction in which Pakistan is headed. It is for these occasions that I narrate Quranic verses about bad times passing. Keeping you positive is also my role as your part-time religious tutor. To the inimical forces within the country, who pray day and night that Pakistan may become Sudan, don’t you all worry — this is not an army that fights for power when it has had unchecked power since 1947. Fighting within the army is not my concern, but you keep believing the random theories of mutiny on Twitter.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
Editor’s Note: We know the writer well and only allow pseudonyms when we do so.