Thursday, March 23, 2023
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As former ISI spy and professional soldier, let me tell you—Pakistan’s ready for Mission Peace

Don’t get sentimental over small things like losing a part of our country in 1971, making a terror jinni like the Taliban or driving Pakistan to default. It's time for peace.

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My friends, on 24 January, you all had a fear when a power outage in Pakistan lasted for 16 hours. You thought that the tanks were rolling in — not enemy tanks, but I, your favourite General Twitter was about to take control of your destiny. Today, Alhamdulillah — praise be to God — Pakistan is still a democracy. No “mere aziz humwatano” for now. You can thank me later.

People advise me endlessly that now is the time to take over the reins of Pakistan. You idiots, I am already in the driving seat; why would I impose martial law and invite your wrath? When I say I am your neutral army chief, believe me, not that you have any other option to play with.

The days of my fauji jawans (army personnel) climbing on the gates of the prime minister’s house are long behind us all. I assure you. Why would I be interested in becoming an official ruler of a country that is going bankrupt? Even my dearest Taliban say that they aren’t interested in occupying Pakistan — who will pay its debt? If there were ample dollars in the kitty, I’d play ball. Till the money comes, let me sit back and enjoy the politicians’ bickering. After all, we generals run the show, our politicians are a mess. It has worked beautifully for 75-odd years, and I am convinced it will work till the end of time.

Also read: Pakistan’s peace calls with India scream strategic desperation. It won’t bear results

Forget the small things, I’m the pro soldier

Now don’t get all sentimental over small things like losing a part of our country in 1971, making a terror jinni like the Taliban, destroying the entire society, constantly destabilising our prime ministers, or driving Pakistan to the brink of default. After doing this and much more, let me tell you — mulk nazuk daur se guzar raha hai (The country is in a fragile situation)! 

I don’t sit idle and do nothing for my country. I pay the price for past institutional mistakes like the army chiefs did before me. I also run around the globe with a begging bowl for my country. Why else do you think I was in Saudi Arabia or the United Arab Emirates? Not that I am complaining, but, sometimes, I do wonder how many Indian Army Chiefs will have gone to Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman to discuss ‘matters of mutual interest’ — our code for ‘show me the money, shiekh. But then, only professional soldiers like me do such geopolitical begging. The “ek soldier ye nahi poochhta desh ne uske liye kya kiya…” dialogue is inspired by my real-life character. Don’t believe me? Ask Shah Rukh Khan.

For the record, I have never listened to a Bollywood song in my entire life. My conviction in the army’s motto of “Imaan, Taqwa, Jihadfi-Sabilillah” (Faith, piety, holy war in the path of Allah) remains intact. Although if spy movies are the new fashionable thing, even I can have my own spy universe like Ek Tha Majnu or Mission Loan. After all, I have been the chief spy of the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), and my feat of unearthing and reporting corruption in the prime minister’s house when Imran Khan was in power is now a legend, even though I am not as good as Sidharth Malhotra in taking measurements. Rest assured, I am fitter than the Indian Majnu.

Also read: Pakistan PM is aiming for Peace Prize, not peace talk. India has seen this…

Time for Mission Peace

I am aware that my appointment as the army chief had many roadblocks. Not only was there a power struggle inside the military, but some of my soldiers went as far as convincing the Saudis that I was a Shia and thus unfit to become chief. Shocked? Don’t be, for that’s how professional my army is. My wrongly being labelled a Shia is way better than my predecessor being tagged an Ahmadi. General Qamar Javed Bajwa spent months doing milads and what not with the Sunni clergymen to be certified as a non-Ahmadi. Being a hafiz-e-Quran helps my religious credentials too. Nefarious designs of my enemies shall never succeed. My regiments of house societies, marriage halls, golf courses, sprawling clubs, fauji foods are always ready to give a befitting reply to the enemy.

I also want to extend my solidarity to the Brazilian army chief who was sacked for political interference. What is this behaviour, President Lula? Trust me, this can’t happen in Pakistan. Thanks to our dynamic record of jailing PMs who try to sack army chiefs.

Peace, not war is my mantra for 2023. India is well aware of my plans of living in peace. I tell the same to the United States, Taliban in Afghanistan, and have even the same signalled to any life on Mars. I have even convinced myself in the mirror that all Pakistan wants is peace. Don’t know why the world doesn’t buy my overtures of peace. My friends, looks like it is time for Mission Peace.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal. 

Editor’s Note: We know the writer well and only allow pseudonyms when we do so.

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