I begin from where I left off, which was nowhere—neither here nor there. Earlier, I was shy but 15 months into my job as Pakistan Army chief, I now feel like showing my muscles if not my pack of abs. As your favourite General on erstwhile Twitter and now X, I am here to be your voice of reason in these times of confusion. Call me by my new name General X, or not.
Dear readers, it has been a busy week for me. I am the only person who declined the Ambanis’ invitation to their son’s pre-wedding celebrations in India. I don’t know if I will be invited to the wedding now. I declined not because I am too expensive but because I had to pick a prime minister in Pakistan. And only god knows how long these pre- and post-shaadi activities could last. I couldn’t have taken any chances of going there and leaving Pakistan without a prime minister. But there’s another reason I declined the invite: I wear a uniform and I’ll never compete nor seek validation by posting a thousand designer dresses on Instagram.
You can agree that as Pakistan’s favourite General, I deserve to be paid a few billions in cash. If not me, think of my country, you crazy rich Indians. FYI, Nita Ambani promised me a grand wedding entry in Rolls-Royce, unlike the fleet of Indian actors struggling in that godawful transport bus. After the three Khans, I am the next best thing in the subcontinent.
From pre-wedding to post-election, I am happy to inform you that Pakistan has found a new PM in Shehbaz Sharif. You can argue that he is old but then old is gold. For a moment after 8 February, everyone thought that we, the Pakistan Army, had lost our mojo that made us coin the age-old slogan: Jung koi jeeta nahin, election koi haraya nahin (never won a war, never lost an election). But we kept calm and watched PTV.
But the week wasn’t all that bad. When the rumour mill in Pakistan went into overdrive, with the claim that no one wanted to be the next prime minister, I laughed out loud—with me in power all the time, who would want to be the PM? In fact, why would anyone even feel the need for a PM in Pakistan? We have, after all, cosmetic democracy, you see.
Also read: Dear Pakistanis, we won’t turn into Sudan. Our army has always had unchecked power
Trust your Army chief, even when all is not well
I am closely watching you throw a shade at me that the vote given to Imran Khan (okay, candidates backed by his PTI) was a vote against me, your Army chief. Remember the rule of thumb in Pakistan: What is against me is also eventually for me and by me. That’s why there is no imminent threat of martial law in Pakistan. Let me reiterate that even as I am threatened that like Donald Trump some miles away from the US presidency, our brown Trump might also be out reigning havoc. Am I worried? Absolutely not.
I was warned against spurting pearls of wisdom like my predecessors, from Qamar Javed Bajwa to Pervez Musharraf, but where’s the fun in ruling the country in silence? If our politicians can talk in this season of pre- and post-election, why shouldn’t common Pakistanis enrich their souls with my 12th pass wisdom. That is why I have been telling the old and young alike that social media is evil. Stay away. And Pakistan was created because we were not like Hindus, which also doesn’t mean that we become Westerners. Got it? Never forget I am your part-time Hafiz as well.
Just recently, we, the Pakistan Army, have been crowned the most favourite institution by our citizens. My approval ratings are as high as 88 percent in the Gallup survey. Am I happy? Absolutely not. My jihad will continue until I find the 12 percent who think otherwise. There is no surprise in beating the politicians, judges, journalists, and the self-described intellectuals. That is why, the Pakistan Army will now train Pakistani cricketers for 10 days. No, not how to fight a war but how to be fitter like me. Fighting war is simpler—you just don’t.
From east to west, I’ve kept a close eye on my favourite ex—India or Bharat or whatever else they are calling themselves these days. But keep in mind, if they drop ‘India’ as a name, Pakistan will rename itself India. I am closely watching their Lok Sabha election campaign. With Shah Rukh Khan helping his government secure the release of Indian naval officers from Qatar, perhaps I might ask SRK to begin Pakistan’s loan negotiation with the IMF.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
Editor’s Note: We know the writer well and only allow pseudonyms when we do so.
(Edited by Prashant)