Hiiiiiiiiiii everyone! Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi…Happy Diwali…wait, wait, wait. It’s Diwali only, na? So confusing. One day Halloween, next day Thanksgiving, beech mein Karwa Chauth and National Awards, then Manish party…in between Conclave vaghera…our lives, na? Anyways…Happy Everything in advance. See, I’m a really chilled-out person. Always happy—with or without lipstick. But during Diwali, I feel especially khush. I am wondering which saree to repeat to the next big party. Now that the whole world is talking about my wedding saree being re-worn, there’s too much pressure, yaar. I believe in recycling and all that, but please—if I only wear old sarees with new jewellery, brands won’t send me new sarees. That’s not cool. And those Gucci guys will also expect me to wear last season’s pantsuits, which is not good for business. Like I said publicly—Gucci doesn’t want me. Gucci wants India.
I have an idea. Why don’t I recycle my mother-in-law’s massive wardrobe? As a tribute to the Kapoor khandaan? Ranbir will love this plan, pucca! Wait, I can cut up a few of her amazing sarees and make sherwanis for Ranbir and matching lehengas for Raha—her first Diwali, na? If there is leftover fabric, I can create a lewk for Shaheen. And one for Edward—though Gucci has offered Edward an entire cat wardrobe for the festive season, Me and Edward in coordinated catsuits. Nice, na?
Haan… toh, let’s get back to Diwali. It’s too much fun, ya. I was asking Sanjay Sir if I should dress up as Gangubai for the next Diwali red carpet. Why not? Better than looking like everyone else, na? Love Manish’s chamki chamki clothes…but I want to look like me! Not Janhvi or Ananya. Besides…I am a new mother and all that. Chalo…I think I will stick to sarees only—how much my fans loved me as Rani dressed in sequins! What? News anchors don’t wear sequins in the newsroom? Who said? Oh… really? Never watched the news. But admit it—Rani looked super hot!
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Celebrity messaging
Diwali is a good time to buy a new house. Or two. Even three. My estate agent was telling me to buy a few more apartments as gifts for Shaheen. What do you mean, how many homes can Shaheen live in? It’s Diwali, na? Why gift stoooopid mithai boxes to family when you can give penthouses and offices? See…my businesses are doing great. Deepika is not the only shrewd businesswoman in Bollywood. There’s PC also. I mean, let’s face it, the three of us—come on…we rule, right?
Oh, guys…Please don’t burn phatakas during Diwali. Raha has been coughing away. Celebrity messaging is important, na? My social media team wants me to shoot reels telling everyone not to burn crackers and all that. Pollution ka problem hai. Solution kya hai? Ranbir always says, ‘’Don’t look for solutions, baby…let solutions look for you.” So sweet, na? See how well he handled that lipstick-shwipstick controversy.
Oh…you noticed, na? We gave cupcakes to the paps for Raha’s first birthday, and did special posts with our chefs. Khaana peena is tooooo important for the Kapoors. Both grandmas looked so cool…checking my closet…think they helped themselves to my stuff. No prob. Raiding wardrobes will start trending as soon as I do a new post. Happy birthday, sweetie…we’ll unveil your face soon…okay.
Anyways…guys, have a great Diwali. My darzi is here to repurpose my old sarees. And alter my purana outfits. You noticed, na? Lost so much weight for Gucci…what all we have to do as stars. Chal…Raha’s nanny wants a day off for Diwali. Ranbir is saying, ‘’Baby…it’s your turn this week.’’ Soooooo convenient, na?
The author is a columnist, social commentator, journalist and opinion-shaper. She has written 25 books. She tweets @DeShobhaa. Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)