Koffee with Karan does not need celebrities, just loose talk on sex and dating.
Hello and welcome to Koffee with Karan. I am Karan Johar.
Before I welcome today’s guest, let me just say that Mama’s boy – that’s me – couldn’t be happier. Until Hotstar, for some humungous reason I cannot conjecture, fell afoul of the ‘suspenders’. Not the ones for trousers, but those who have suspended the cricketers (the notorious Hardik Pandya and K.L. Rahul) for saying what they said on my pillow talk show.
Hotstar has taken that episode off the air just when it was breaking all viewership records.
And all because of a ninth standard ‘sexpert’ – that’s a term I have picked up from Ayushmann Khurrana, seated right here on my lap, sorry couch.
A ‘male sexpert’ who said that his mother gave him a condom and that he shared his private affairs with his father and her.
What’s wrong with that? At least it’s all in the family. Okay, so his comments were crude, crass and in poor taste. Well, that is Koffee with Karan for you: tasteless. If you want cordon bleu, watch Masterchef Australia.
Here, we talk only about ‘sex and our relationships’. It might make you blush or flush – oh hush, I’ll be in trouble repeating what Hardik doesn’t do.
With those prudes, you know, Vinod and Diana.
Hey, maybe I can invite them, the Committee of Administrators, to Koffee with Karan?
What fun. Imagine:
K. Jo: Diana, what do you like about Vinod?
K Jo: Vinod, what do you like about cricket?
Back to Pandya on the show: tell me, in a voyeuristic man’s world, who doesn’t like to watch a woman ‘move’?
I’ve had to judge the way they move, on talent shows like India’s Got Talent and India’s Next Superstar.
Well, whatever. We are all in suspended animation, waiting for Diana and Vinod to make a move. Oh dear, there I go again…
I really do need to clean my tongue with soap; otherwise, I will get myself into trouble as Alia Bhatt did on the show. Remember? When she couldn’t name the President of India. Do you think Ranbir Kapoor can?
Now, let’s begin today’s show. But first, I have a confession: I am obsessed with my mother. Yes and I have said it on national television, but they haven’t suspended me for it. Poor Pandya boasted only about his sex education, albeit in a crass way….And like I told him, education is very important.
My guest, today, is the most flamboyant fashionista ever. He puts Sonam Kapoor-Ranveer Singh to shame. He will not only walk the red carpet at the Oscars, he is capable of wearing it.
He has single-handedly made ‘nepotism’ a fashion statement, got Saif Ali Khan into bed with Shah Rukh Khan, and allowed Pandya to ruin his career.
Please welcome the man who says, ‘I am your guilty couch-sitting pleasure’, the one and only Karan Johar.
Yes, I am in conversation with myself – why else is the show called Koffee with Karan?
Now, I am going to ask myself questions, primarily about myself. Norman Mailer had written a book, Advertisements for Myself, and this show is best advertisement for myself. (See I read, therefore I am educated.)
This time, I will try to not offend anyone. Here goes:
Q: Titillation, titillation, titillation: list your favourite occupation in order of preference.
All three of the above.
Q: What do you like to talk about on the show – sex, dating, love, marriage, the human anatomy?
That pretty much describes the body of my work.
Q: What makes you feel sexy?
Koffee with Karan.
Q: Are you dating?
Q: Are you single?
No, I live with my mother and the twins.
Q: Which of the following words is your favourite: Nepotism Conjecture, Humungous, Sex.
You know the answer to that.
Q: What do you do for gossip?
Talk to myself.
Well, time to award the hamper, but honestly I don’t think my answers deserve it. My questions were too proper, the answers downright straightforward. I think I shall have to award this hamper to my mother, instead.
Koffee with Karan is the show where the pun is all the fun and if we have to shun that then might as well suspend the show.
May be I can launch a new show, the intellectual kind, worthy of Bollywood. Didn’t Katrina Kaif say, right here, ‘Art is profession, a form of expression’?
I could call it, Couch it with Karan.
Now, Google Chrome, dim the lights and let me do some lateral thinking.