Not many people know what even I didn’t – that I am a special advisor to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Knowing my successful Pakistani military shenanigans of the past, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you, my friends. I was there at the beginning and end of the first cold war and now I’m here at the beginning of what you like to call the second cold war. In one war, Pakistan helped break USSR, in the second, we will put it together again.
Putin and I go way back to his KGB days. We were young, sly and naughty. I have been his companion on several vacations, especially the ones in Siberia. We used to fish together, trek together, and sun together. Those were the days. Now are the war days. I am also serving as World War III advisor to Putin. Don’t worry, on my watch, there will be no nuclear war. After all, I love myself more than you all.
You can say that megalomania is something that binds me and the Russian president. But who says self-love is a bad thing? Wanting others to love you as much you love yourself? The jury is still out on that part. For that matter, you can say Pakistani PM Imran Khan and Russian President Vladimir Putin are two sides of the same coin when it comes to being megalomaniacs. Imran is all “me, me and me”, but he still can’t go to war with India, unlike Putin’s war on Ukraine. The Pakistan PM is not allowed such shenanigans; that is the job of Pakistani generals like me. Thought I taught you this lesson already.
Also read: Imran Khan Russia visit was more about reducing ties with US – Pakistan’s looking East now
I arranged a historic meeting
You can give me the credit for Khan’s attendance in Moscow the day Putin began his war. I was the mastermind behind the historic visit. It needed special convincing for Russians to make this historic visit possible. Once I told Putin that Imran Khan knows more about Putin than him (in fact Khan is the man behind I know what you did last summer), he told me, “Say no more, General Twitter.” For a moment there, my friends, I was scared, but then I realised that both these men had uncanny similarities and interests. They liked dogs, sports and loved being photographed exercising topless. Why not, they are both 69, sexy and they know it.
During the all-important meeting at Kremlin, it was decided that since FIFA and UEFA had sanctioned Russia, Imran Khan will help Putin build a new cricket team. The prime minister has promised that after his 1992 World Cup victory for Pakistan, Russia will be his next winning team. In return, Putin can give trillions of tonnes of wheat along with gas in Russian vodka bottles. Not to brag, but camouflaging gas in bottles was my idea. Putin was personally assured that he will get a chance to display his music skills on Coke Studio Pakistan, which is definitely better than Coke Studio India.
Also read: Russia to Riyadh — Imran Khan now has a history of being in the wrong place at the wrong time
My tip to Zelenskyy and Putin
Many of you friends were sceptical of Russia and Pakistan romance, thinking that this could lead to participation in war. I want to make this clear, given Pakistan’s own 1971 experience with war, I suggested the Ukrainian president should surrender and live happily ever after. For no good can come out of not surrendering. I even showed Volydymyr Zelenskyy my photos from my time in Indian jail when I was saved as a prisoner of war. I know you all had the same question, so I also asked him why is he Volodymyr and not Vladimir? He said, ‘You can call me Vlad’. I invited Zelenskyy to Pakistan for a stand-up comedy show with the country’s best comedians, ministers Sheikh Rasheed and Fawad Chaudhry.
My friends, given the severity of the situation, the sirens of war suggest that it is time to give an extension to Pakistan Army chief General Qamar Bajwa. There is also a need for another war since I have advised all intelligence officers in Pakistan to not meddle in politics. Now, what will they do? Sit idle? Don’t you dare believe that this is war-mongering. I advised Putin that instead of spending millions of rubles on war, he should just give that money to Pakistan. Although, he would have looked smart if he had just changed the map of Russia in textbooks and claimed Ukraine as its own. Just like how I did with Kashmir and even Junagadh in India. He thought I was joking. Once I told the Russian president about my secret song-release weapon, he realised how serious I was. Now off to more serious things like releasing an item number to keep the soldiers’ morale high. Goodbye from Kremlin, for now.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.