I am dead. Long live my treasures.
Today is a sad day for me and you, my friends. Not because I, as your Army Chief, will breathe my last. But because my billions in coins and rupees were caught. I might hang up my boots, but not my billions.
My life has been an open book for you, my friends, as open as your unlocked bedroom door. So what if I made hay when the sun shone on my reign for six years? Wonder why people bad-mouth me when I — Qamar Javed Bajwa — did everything that my predecessors did. From Pervez Musharraf, Ashfaq Parvez Kayani to Raheel Sharif, I learnt from the best how to make retirement life easy-peasy. Whether it was selling poor Pakistani citizens ‘as terrorists’ to the United States for some dollars, stashing millions and billions of dollars abroad, or taking $27 million just by sharing the Global Positioning System coordinates of stashed-away national asset Osama bin Laden with the Central Intelligence Agency. Like I said, I learnt from the best.
Now, I begin to find where I go next: Saudi Arabia, the US, or even Antarctica. Going on a keto diet still remains my personal preference. It is not always about money, land, or business, sometimes it is boredom. Boredom of winning unfought wars. Boredom of winning fought elections. Boredom of conquering all prime ministers — at least four — under me. That’s a reason why there have been 10 prime ministers and only four army chiefs in the last 20 years. We, as the number one military in the world, like to keep our spam clean, hence the ratio of 4 to 10.
Where’s your glamour, Gen Pande?
As I make my exit as the Army Chief, I want to put forward a couple of questions to my brother from another mother, General Manoj Pande, Indian Chief of Army Staff (COAS). First things first, he and I are both engineers. Though my political engineering has brought my country to a brink and my army to infighting. I don’t know how General Pande survives without the glitz, glory, and glam. Does he have no interest in making CPEC, cheese pizza economic corridor? After all, strategic depth can’t be enough. I suggest him this corridor against China. Learn from us. How does the Indian Army claim to be professional without having its own meat shop, porridge, waffles, vegetables? We are so much alike, yet so different from Pande and his boys. They take no extensions, probably because they have no tensions.
Once a lieutenant told me how the COAS was stuck in a traffic jam on a Delhi road. All of you who drooled over it forgot that I, as your Chief, was stuck in my chair for the past six years. And you people have ‘mad respect’ for the Indian Chief. Shame on your hypocrisy. If this is all you want, I’m willing to get stuck in a traffic jam with the 235 million of you on my last day in office.
However, don’t think for a minute even that I am taking this constant rhetoric from Indian generals of conquering Gilgit-Baltistan or ‘Azad Kashmir’ lightly. Make no mistake, you will give a befitting response. Just take me with you on your way back after conquering, I can pick a sweet apartment in Gurugram or even an entire building will do.
Only for you, my people
Thank me for not declaring a martial law yet like Imran Khan; I had no power for six years. Yet, everyone claims Project Imran Khan was my legacy. Personally, it’s my doctrine of BDSM — Bajwa Doctrine of Sadomasochism. You blame me for the crises in the country right now. It is for this reason that I wanted to stay for another six years and untangle my own mess. But the Sharif brothers threw me out like a fly from milk. Now I know how they felt in the last four years. This was extremely sad for me, considering I thought: Abhi mujhe aur zaleel hona hai (I am to see more humiliation). And only for you, my people.
My successor is not me; wait till someone tells him he is the chaudhary (chief) of the village who has to take care of each one and everything. These people give you a God complex, and so begins the race to real power. Let me be clear, my billions are not Asim Munir’s problem, I have left him with several bigger ones.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
Editor’s Note: We know the writer well and only allow pseudonyms when we do so.