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I, Asim Bajwa, may have quit, but don’t forget I still head Cheese Pizza Economic Corridor

Finally, Imran Khan has accepted my resignation as his special assistant. But CPEC is still Asim Bajwa’s, my friends.

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Yesterday was another Mubarak historic 12 October for me. The one in 1999 brought pizza prosperity into my life with General Pervez Musharraf’s coup, and this year was a chance to hide that prosperity in plain sight.

I, General ‘Papa Johnny’ aka retired Lt Gen. Asim Saleem Bajwa requested, rather ordered, Pakistan’s Prime Minister Imran Khan to accept my second resignation over a malicious propaganda story published against me, my family, and our numerous assets — a story that I strongly rebutted. I stand by my theory; the story was fake but my resignation is real. That is why I am your hero. You asked me for receipts, I gave you my resignation, what else do you want?

Also read: Pakistan Army’s Ayub Khan moment — find ways to rule without being seen as ruling

Cheese Pizza Economic Corridor

I made history by resigning as Special Assistant on Information and Broadcasting, where I was a silent observer ever since I took charge. There was no lucrative business here. My duties included guarding my own interests. That is why in the last few weeks you saw me vehemently censor my name whenever former PM Nawaz Sharif brought up terms such as ‘pizza’, ‘Bajwa’, ‘raseeday (receipts)’, ‘businesses’ or ‘corruption’ in his speeches.

Other than scrolling through memes made on me, I was not doing much in the ministry. I was clearly brought in to protect the Imran Khan government, but in the end, the entire government was seen as protecting me and my multi-billion-dollar businesses, which includes my pizza franchise. 

My real focus, as you know my friends, is the CPEC (China–Pakistan Economic Corridor), which now you can also call the Cheese Pizza Economic Corridor. As chairman of CPEC, something I haven’t yet resigned from, my services have been awe-inspiring. I tweet filtered photos of development projects, highways, bridges made by previous governments and take credit for their work. I can take credit for building the Grand Trunk Road too. Who is Sher Shah Suri?

I tell the world to come and invest in Pakistan, while my family strictly invests outside of Pakistan. The rivers of milk and honey are so passé, in my time, pizza and coke flow in Pakistan. My assets beyond means have made me an inspiration for the younger generation. They say they want to become Asim Bajwa when they grow up. Even dushman ki bache (children of enemies) want to be like me. You think all this was easy? It was only after changing my hit song of “mujhe dushman ki bachon ko parhana hai” to “mujhe dushman ki bachon ko pizza khilana hai” that I became the king of hearts.

Also read: I am Asim Bajwa, I brought pizza, digital army to Pakistan. But you call me Gen Papa Johnny

Politician since birth

You, my friends, want me to resign as chairman of CPEC because apparently I have no moral authority to continue — like I care about your wants and morality. Why do you single me out? If I unearth details of the businesses and properties of other Pakistani Generals, I will start looking like an angel to you.

But still, the reason why I want to remain the chairman is totally impersonal and in national interest. In my political office, I could be prosecuted, but as CPEC chairman I enjoy immunity. This is how selfless I am. If I stay, hope stays for the Pakistani people that anything is possible in our country. My future is in China’s court.

If you think my political inning has come to an end, you are mistaken. I did not need a ministry to be a politician, because even as Commander Southern Command, some say I was ‘toppling’ the state government of Nawaz Sharif in Balochistan and helping his rivals win senate election. I am a politician since birth, military uniform or civilian clothes don’t matter.

Also read: CPEC chief Asim Bajwa may have amassed corrupt wealth, but Pakistani media blacked it out

Join my PPP revolution

Before I was part of the CPEC, my son was against the Chinese making Pakistan its colony, you know how woke kids are these days. Glad he now understands that the CPEC is our family’s lifeline. He also wanted the corrupt Sharifs to be hanged, but now I have taught him that you wouldn’t want your corrupt father to be hanged. This is how pragmatic I am in my dealings.

Never forget the power of a man like me. I was the brains behind those who made former army chief Raheel Sharif so popular that he got a mosque in his name: Jamia Masjid Gen Raheel Sharif in Islamabad. Some get pizza franchises, some get mosques, it is all in my hands. So be my friend, not my enemy. Be a part of my revolution called ‘Pappa Johnny tere pizzas se inqilab aeyga’. We love Pakistan, Pizza, Power (PPP).

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.

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