Between this, that, and everything, there has been a lot of anything going on in Pakistani politics — jail or bail, election or no election, army chief loves me or loves me not.
If Twitterati being arrested was a real thing, Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) could claim that billion ‘people’ went behind bars for revolution. Paralleling them in the real world were a handful of PTI workers jumping in prisoner vans and taking selfies with victory signs — like the Jail Bharo Tehreek is just a joke and the police got no memo. Then they tried hard to be bailed out within hours, citing piles and other sudden serious ailments. As if they had returned from Guantanamo Bay or the likes of Kala Pani, these prisoners expect the nation to cry over their stories of washing their undergarments in jail. These new-found Gandhis and Bhagat Singhs in Pakistan will convince you that their 10 days in lockup were longer and more dismal than the 27 years Nelson Mandela spent in prison for standing up against apartheid.
Now, it is on the workers to face the music. And if they die during the inquilab, their families should find solace in the photo-op sessions for social media. Meanwhile, the revolution’s leader chooses to stay at home, “unavailable for arrest”, filing bail pleas, tweeting, and probably binge-watching Sex/Life Season 2 on Netflix.
Also read: Breaking down Imran Khan ‘phone sex’ controversy — ‘C-grade porn actor’ to ‘disgusting, unethical’
Tipu Sultan in bathroom
What is common between Imran Khan and M.K. Gandhi? Nothing. Only if there was a version of history saying Gandhi sent his followers to jail in the Salt March while he hid from the constables, too scared to be arrested. That’s like Gandhi quitting India before the Quit India Movement.
The events that unfolded in the past few days hold up a mirror up to what the future will be like for Imran Khan and company: Garmi mein kharaab (going bad in summers) is written on the wall. As arrest warrants were served in a Toshakhana case for fraudulent concealment of assets, Islamabad Police officers reported not having found the former PM in his bedroom. Ironic for someone who considers Tipu Sultan his hero. Yet, when the occasion arrived, Sultan escaped to the bathroom.
This game of hide-and-seek opened the floodgates of theories from naysayers and political opponents alike. After all, on the one hand, jail has been a euphemism for bravery — from Zulfikar Ali Bhutto to Nawaz Sharif. On the other hand, Pakistan Muslim League (Nawaz) leader Maryam Nawaz called Khan: “Leader nahi, geedar (A jackal, not a leader).”
It reminded us how in 2018, hundreds of paramilitary soldiers gathered at Lahore airport came to arrest the thrice-elected former PM Sharif who returned with his daughter from London to surrender, leaving behind his terminally ill wife.
Former President Asif Ali Zardari reckons that the police would have found Khan under the bed had they checked. Zardari had earlier informed us that the not-so-brave Khan was scared of lizards in prison cells. Believe interior minister Rana Sanaullah Khan when he tells us that Khan fears arrest, for he is addicted to ice and cocaine, and wants to evade medical examination. The much benevolent minister suggests that Khan should be kept in a rehabilitation centre rather than a jail.
Others say he fled his residence in on a rickshaw wrapped in a burqa. Just like the infamous Lal Masjid cleric Abdul Aziz who attempted to flee a fierce gun battle in a burqa more than a decade ago. Aziz was also protected by female madrasa students armed with dandas — much like how PTI supporters nowadays gather outside their leader’s Zaman Park house with dandas claiming “Imran Khan is our red line”. If only, not showing up at court hearings, gathering a mob outside your house, making it a no-go area could prevent prison yatra.
Error 404, no love found
Cases are piling on by the day, and disqualification might be round the corner, but Imran Khan has one worry — why won’t army chief Asim Munir talk to him? Why does Munir consider him his enemy? Khan is ready to talk, but the army chief is just not interested. Now, this isn’t the first time that Khan has been ghosted. It is Joe Biden not calling and Narendra Modi not answering all over again, but much worse. It is as if Munir is leaving Khan’s WhatsApp messages on read.
Having used the President as his telephone operator to reach out to the army chief and failing at that, Imran Khan remains adamant that he will talk to anyone but the “thieves”. What if this is the policy of the new chief too? After all, he was the one who blew the whistle on the daylight robbery in Imran and Bushra Khan’s house.
It is already feeling like 45° celsius in March for the colluding coaches and umpires of Imran Khan. Government voices for court martial and accountability of architects of Project Imran Khan, retired Lt General, and a few judges have triggered reactions. Former Chief Justice of Pakistan Saqib Nisar has been most active, giving explanations such as “insaan se galti bhi ho jaati hai (A human can err too)”. And how Nisar’s WhatsApp has been hacked. We can expect some of his calls to get leaked in the coming days.
Then there is another former CJP, Asif Saeed Khosa, who is under the microscope for having asked a jailed Nawaz Sharif for an extension as quid pro quo for his cases. Imagine this judge had cited The Godfather in the infamous Panama Papers judgment against Sharif in 2017.
Maryam Nawaz called for the immediate court martial of former Director-General of Inter-Services Intelligence Faiz Hameed on 8 March for conspiring against the Nawaz government and threatening judges to give verdicts against Sharif and disqualify him ultimately between 2017 and 2018. Hameed twirled into motion to convince everyone that he was a mere major general at the time with no such power at his disposal: “Only the army chief, [Qamar Javed Bajwa] takes decisions in the army. All verdicts were given by the judges.” By doing this, the former ISI chief is signalling to his partners-in-crime: “Hum to doobe hain sanam, tumko bhi le doobenge.”
P.S.: Notwithstanding the rumours of jail any minute now, till the filing of this column, Tipu Sultan had not been arrested.
The author is a freelance journalist from Pakistan. Her Twitter handle is @nailainayat. Views are personal.
(Edited by Humra Laeeq)