Unlike Virushka, Deep-Veer gave you all the details about their wedding beforehand and yet you failed.
I have a sincere request to the Indian media. Kindly don’t return from Lake Como. Instead, just jump into it.
You haven’t brought us one decent picture from the Deep-Veer wedding yet. Now the damn marriage is almost over and we, the discerning celeb wedding hungry janta of the republic of Bollywood, deserve better than this. This makes it two big failures in a row.
For all the sources you claim to have in the world, forget being present, you didn’t even know about Virushka’s wedding in Italy. Even the couple was pretty embarrassed by your inept handling of their wedding and finally resorted to leaking their wedding pictures through Instagram handles. For the first five minutes everyone thought it was a nicely shot Manyavar ad.
This time, some of us genuinely thought that you have finally got your act together and would supply the celeb marriage addicts some good star-wedding dope. And man, how you failed. It’s like Ranveer and Deepika almost challenged you. Unlike Virushka, Deep-Veer gave you all the details about their wedding beforehand and yet you failed miserably.
Truth be told, I’m now genuinely concerned about the fourth estate. I have developed severe trust issues over your professional capabilities and holding the powers that be accountable for their actions. Because, how can I expect you to unearth big scams in future if you couldn’t cultivate contacts and sources in a little Italian town (for the second time) to get me a few exclusive pictures from a damn wedding.
Thanks to you, I also hit a new low in my life. In my quest for some serious wedding goss, I fell for at least 10 clickbaity articles in a span of two hours today. And, it’s a shame because these were stories published by some of the most reputed news organisations.
India Today story had the headline – ‘First pics from Ranveer and Deepika wedding venue at Lake Como in Italy’. Boom, I clicked on it thinking some gutsy journo had risked his life to get us these pictures. But what did I get? An amateurishly framed picture of one of the gates at the venue. And not one, but three unsightly pictures of an empty parking lot outside the venue. Of which two were photos of a board placed in the parking lot that read: ‘No parking here from 11th Nov to 15th Nov’. So, Sherlock lost his mind because he deduced that these dates also coincide with Deep-Veer’s wedding.
At this point the media were so badly out of content that the next headline I clicked on read, “Deepika and Ranveer wedding in Lake Como: Total cost and inside details”. The article was just cost calculation based on the prices available on the internet: Rs 33,000 per room, multiplied by 75 rooms and seven days a week adds to Rs 1,73,25,000. The writer must have thought, “Screw Pulitzer, I might just win a Fields Medal in Mathematics”.
Let me burst that bubble for you. You really think a south Indian father would agree to be a part of a wedding party that spends close to Rs 2 crore on hotel rooms? I’m south Indian and I know for a fact that Prakash uncle would have first checked out the room prices on the resort’s website, and then gone to Trivago looking for the best deal. He would have then applied a coupon code ‘SAVEMYMONEY’ during check-out to get at least 40 per cent off on the entire booking. Then, he would have got in touch with ‘Lake Como Konkani Association’, and spoken to Shenoy uncle to see if he knew anyone at the resort. Shenoy uncle would have then spoken to his contact at the resort to ensure they got complimentary breakfast for all guests.
So going forward, I don’t think I’m ever going to trust any media house that puts out a figure to a scam. Perhaps, you have fooled me into believing that the 2G scam was worth several lakh crores of rupees. Or worse, you have been fooled.
I can’t fathom this is the same media that used spycams in the early 2000s to catch Bangaru Laxman accept a bribe of just Rs 1 lakh. Couldn’t you at least bug the hotel with bluetooth mics for us? Because come on, this is Ranveer Singh’s wedding. The guy is so outrageous that you may have picked up bytes like his mom shouting, “NO RANVEER. YOU CANNOT WEAR DEEPIKA’S LEHENGA FOR YOUR WEDDING”. Or Prakash uncle saying, “Why are you trying to elope with my daughter da. We have all agreed for this wedding.”
Some of you went all the way to Italy to dupe me into clicking on stuff like, “Deepika and Ranveer are staying at this Lake Como resort. Inside pics!” A Times Now article said, “VIRAL! Check out all inside photos from Deepika Padukone and Ranveer Singh’s Konkani wedding at Lake Como”. First, I like your confidence. You have assumed the picture has gone viral. And second, there were no inside photos at all. All of them were pictures from outside the resort. These photos were taken from a distance so far away that in the pixelated pictures Prakash Padukone almost looked like Pullela Gopichand.
NDTV uploaded random pictures of a wedding venue on its website with the headline, “Are these pics from inside Deepika Padukone, Ranveer Singh’s wedding venue? So pretty”. How does this pass off as reporting? You are asking your reader to vet stories for you. This is citizen journalism gone rogue. Tomorrow I’m sure we will wake up to headlines like, “Are these pics of a 3000-ft Modi statue being inaugurated by Modi himself? So pretty!”
All is not lost yet. I plead with the media to pull up their socks, bend over backwards and deliver beyond expectations on 28 November during Deep-Veer’s Mumbai reception. Place cameras in paneer if you have to, but get us some real inside stuff to satiate our thirst for these big weddings. Our lives are boring and low budget. We need something to talk about. And this is no ordinary wedding. This is the wedding where the couple’s sangeet rehearsals involved three Sanjay Leela Bhansali movies.
The author is a sketch comedy writer. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter (@devaiahPB), and Instagram (@devaiah.bopanna).
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