How do you learn everything about your date before meeting them for the first time? Find out their moon sign, star sign, north node, mercury arrow, pluto placement and a bunch of birth chart details. If they remain elusive, there’s always mercury retrograde to blame. The world of astrology is rife with dating wisdom, however unreliable. It’s my generation’s favourite unscientific hobby, quite close to fantasy football.
If only it were an easy subject to mug up, I’d be making reels wearing kaftan and crystal necklaces. For now, I’m learning the difference between tarot, magic, and zodiac signs. Each is separated by a blurry line, and they all predict the future. If a new person is going to waste five years of my life like my nice-guy ex did, the stars had better warn me. Of course, if he is six feet tall I will ignore all the red flags, but that’s beside the point. If nobody is being honest on dating apps, we must have faith in the positions of celestial bodies.
Had What’s Your Raashee? (2009) been released in 2024, Ashutosh Gowariker would have earned enough cash to never make a bad movie again. And Harman Baweja would still have been butchered by critics. It’s also a great film to refer to whenever someone dismisses astrology as a “girl thing”. If it were truly that, why would a 33-year-old man compare himself to Leonardo DiCaprio just because they both share the same sun sign?
An Instagram account named Astrotalk, with 8,11,000 followers, is gaining popularity among 20-somethings and older people with one question in its bio: “When will you get married?” The comment section of every reel posted by the account has at least 20 hopefuls asking the admin about their love life by mentioning their date of birth. Not everyone is seriously considering the advice, but it’s fun to analyse the situationship with vague directions of the stars. A Noida-based friend told me that she never read about her zodiac’s compatibility with that of her boyfriend. She isn’t so insecure as to investigate her relationship’s future—after all, she is a Leo.
This other guy on Hinge broke the ice with the most confusing pick-up line I’ve heard since Class 9: “My water sign and your fire sign can be a healthy chaos”. Apparently, he was trying to pitch the physical chemistry between his zodiac sign and mine. Something immediately told me he wasn’t my match.
I’ve also been told to avoid Scorpios, for they never commit. Don’t ask your date if they want to keep seeing you, just observe if they banter with you and if they’re an Aquarius. That’s all the reassurance you need. Run for the door if they are a Gemini Venus. Arguments with a Taurus are difficult because they hate to be wrong. Cancers have 500 mood swings in a day. Libras are bad at texting, so don’t get mad if they reply to your messages after weeks.
The database of these characteristics updates with every minor shift in the placement of planets. It makes zodiac-matchmaking seem as random as FLAMES—the name game that teenagers play at the back of their notebooks, and keep playing until it is confirmed their crush would marry them.
Also read: Your place or mine? This dating question comes with extreme risks, dirty pillows & toilets
I don’t want to do the work
As a hotheaded Aries, I am either supposed to be compatible with passive-aggressive Pisces or sociopath Sagittarius. But for some reason, I keep running into Scorpios. My astrological sign is also famous for having trust issues, lack of patience, and being easy. Last one is obviously fake news, and misleading enough to ruin my future romantic prospects. It is because of these unchecked facts that someday, a software engineer is going to suss me out as an attention-seeking dilettante. He won’t be wrong, but at this rate, all the quirks of my personality are being attributed to Mars, which is not even my favourite planet.
Also, yes, it is just easier to blame the signs than the way Indian men are raised by their parents and the social impunity they enjoy. I don’t want to do the work because I know the men won’t anyway.
Views are personal.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
(Edited by Humra Laeeq)