Shah Rukh Khan’s son Aryan has a follower-to-post ratio of 44047:1. Hint: no politics, no mummy/daddy, and definitely no food porn.
I did not know Bollywood star kids were a phenomenon until I saw them all over the slideshows of the Ambani engagement party. Now I even know their names. Navya Naveli. Aryan. Jahnvi. Aaliyah. I might have missed some A’s in the names because you are not a real star kid unless you have at least two or three A’s in your name.
I also found out that while I was sleeping under a rock, the star kids have taken Instagram by storm. They ‘rule’ the site apparently even before signing their first film.
Shah Rukh Khan’s son Aryan Khan has 9,25,000 followers, only follows 362 people, and has a blue verified tick. He’s done all this with just 21 posts! That gives him a follower to post ratio of 44047:1. Mine is currently 0.796885.
But instead of prostrating myself in despair, I decided that I would study these social media entrepreneurs and learn how to be better liked.
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So here’s everything I learned about life, love and selfies from the Bollywood star kids. And I am sharing with you gratis. Please note, no star kids were harmed in the making of this tutorial.
First, to be really cool you must have an official account, a private account, and half a dozen fan club accounts. The official account must have a blue tick. Otherwise, fire your publicist right now.
I post pictures of places I visit, things I eat, friends I goof around with as well as occasional pics of a broken cornice that I think is artsy. The star kids are doing that as well, but they are leading a business class version of my life.
Think vacations in Mexico City, Exuma Resort in Bahamas, and Prague. Maldives and Phi Phi Island are about as downmarket as you can go. Do not ever check into somewhere as Spicejet as Delhi or Bengaluru or Kolkata. Mumbai is permissible if it’s a particularly hot party. One young star kid did post a picture of himself in Darjeeling at Tiger Hill. I am not sure it’s helped his star profile much.
Always remember backdrop is key. Beaches are good because when you are a star kid, life is a beach. But they are getting a bit overdone. Cobblestoned paths in old European cities are the new beaches. Stand in the middle with a gauzy white dress billowing around you and not a single person in sight. Colourful sunsets in Laguna Beach or against a Manhattan-ish skyline are cool but you must be in silhouette there. By the way you never go on vacation, it’s vacay or #vacay.
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Speaking of hashtags, only follower-hungry losers stuff their posts with too many hashtags. If you must use a hashtag, use it sparingly like a dab of Chanel, for instance, #shootshennanigans. No hashtags and yet over 16,000 likes – that’s the goal you must aspire to.
A word about statuses. Literally. A. Word. Like, vibes. Mood. A flower emoji. Mermaidvibes. You are only allowed to go overboard if your dog has died.
Be careful about the product placements. Be subtle. Think “Thank you @TKCakes for this beautiful birthday cake”. Go easy on the “You can get your own watch from the new Classic Petite collection using my code AAAATKAAA to get 15% off! Valid till 30th August”. Makes you sound like a little star kid wanna-be. Like you are really a star-niece.
Accessories are important. Dogs are always good. If you are a male star kid, pose while hugging a big dog and get the ripple on your bicep just right. If you are female, lift up the Chihuahua, make a kissy face towards it and show off the angular cheekbone.
You can stand with a shovel while volunteering for Habitat for Humanity but be warned you’ll get 12,018 likes, but if you are in a short black dress that will skyrocket to 30,545. People are just like so shallow, y’know.
By the way, no politics at all. Nothing about Bhima-Koregaon arrests or censorship. LGBTQ is cool though. You can pose with rainbow lipstick, because #loveknowsnogender.
Wear chic clothes: T-shirts and ripped jeans. Do not wear the same blingy dress twice on one Instagram account. If you are a man, you must have one abs-alicious waxed chest shirtless picture, preferably on a boat in the Caribbean. If you are a woman a bikini bod is desirable. Learn to look over your shoulder with a few strands of your hair carefully whipping across your face. Look up “fakecandid”. Practice “bedhead”.
While some sourpusses begrudge star kids for coasting on their parents’ fame, it’s clearly very déclassé to pose on Instagram with Amit uncle or Madhuri aunty or Chunky uncle. An occasional old #ThrowbackThursday daddy’s girl photograph is fine. In general, go easy on the mommy-daddy posts. Family dinners photos together in an upscale restaurant taken by the waiter are so terribly Jhumritalaiya-goes-to-Delhi. Posing with siblings or half-siblings is A-OK. If you pose with a star, choose a lesser-known one like Rajpal Yadav. The best star pictures are with other star kids in the back of the car #HavingCrazyTimes and sharing #FriendshipGoals.
Speaking of crazy times, remember parties are always wild but there should be no pictures of actual partying. No bottles. No martini glasses. No lipstick stains. No cigarettes. It’s sanskari glam.
Some of these star children are documentary filmmakers, psychologists, basketball coaches by training. But very little of that should seep into the Instagram feed. Who wants to see doc filmmakers, really? You can post a “normal” picture of you buying popcorn at the upscale Whole Foods chain in the US. But you must still wear branded clothes, high boots and carry a studded bag.
And here’s something I’ve been doing entirely wrong. Foodporn is so upper-middle class. The star kids clearly do not eat much. If they do, it might be three colourful macaroons from Ladurée Soho.
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Finally, here’s how you must behave if you want to be a true star kid follower. You must know the lingo. If she looks good, you must post “osm”.
Be warned, it’s a little tacky to try and pass messages to mummy/daddy through their children. Or say, “At this pic, you look like your dad in 80-90!!!” Also, it’s tiresome to keep saying things like, “Follow me pllzz. Like your styal” or “This cud have been better. Though it’s not bad. Check DM”.
Once you’ve mastered these simple rules, your life will change. I am hoping by year end my follower-to-post ratio will be close to 1. At the very least I’ll have learned how to take a half-decent selfie. Thank you, Bollywood star kids.
Sandip Roy is a journalist, commentator and author.