What happened in Kargil, stayed in Kargil. This is what I, as your favourite General, want to confess after 23 years of winning a war that the world thinks I lost. Yet, India celebrates Vijay Diwas thinking I lost, they won. How would I not win something that I rank number 1 at, ‘winning wars for no reason’?
This was a war that I had planned even before my birth. In fact, my birth was a strategy to distract my Indian enemies. Politicians like Nawaz Sharif wouldn’t understand why I went to war without getting a get-go from my prime minister. Because I was in love and everything is fair in love and Kargil.
Fought India for Raveena, not Kashmir
I was chasing Raveena Tandon those days but she wouldn’t take me seriously. She was the shehr ki ladki who wasn’t in my shehr. Why else do you think Indian Army was sending bombs and missiles my way with the message: From Raveena Tandon to Nawaz Sharif (heart emoji). My enemies got it right, for I am your Cupid General.
Once Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif said Raveena Tandon is his favorite actress
In 1999 Kargil war, Pak soldiers used to taunt "We will leave Kashmir if India gives us Madhuri & Raveena"
So, Indian Air Force replied with this
Warhead with words ‘From Raveena Tandon to Nawaz Sharif' pic.twitter.com/fnn1nBpGve
— Anshul Saxena (@AskAnshul) July 26, 2022
Don’t worry, I was the one who started this rumour that Nawaz loved Raveena so that no one finds out about my feelings. After all, everyone was of the view that she was cheez badi mast mast. And my plans of conquering India was just a smokescreen to eventually ask her kisi disco mein jaey, given how I didn’t have any discos on my side of the border. I can imagine Raveena felt the same way after my endeavours in Kargil.
Now, if along the way, thousands of my soldiers-cum-jihadis were killed, then what can I say. I don’t share the blame. I can confirm today that if I hadn’t sent my prime minister Nawaz Sharif to beg President United States, Bill Clinton, for help, then the number of those killed would have been higher. Now you can also vouch for my visionary military prowess. I did teach India a lesson in Kargil, a lesson that even I don’t know about. For whatever it was worth, I did end up invading Kashmir, a first in the history of Pakistan, even if it meant blocking the main highway and then not having a backup plan.
Talk of backup plans. Everyone, from my enemies to my friends, believed that Kargil was a genius war plan, better than what Osama bin Laden came up with on 9/11. Great minds think alike. All this sensationalisation by India and talk of burying Pakistani soldiers was out of place. So what, if India, for once, became a big brother and buried people who were once their own blood. They owed us this much at least! There was a method behind this madness too. Now see how our enemy Indians hail our fallen heroes whom we call our mujahideen. That’s the power of my military brains. India will never forget Kargil operation, neither will you my friends.
There is a lot of misinformation about who went to fight the Kargil war from Pakistan. Let me be clear, it wasn’t me. No surprises there, your Generals hardly fight wars, we just like to decorate medals on our chest. It has been said that the Pakistan Army sent its ‘A team’, saying it is the ‘B team’ — the Kashmir jihadis. Sorry to break it to you, but these mujahideen weren’t trained by me to lay eggs, they had to fight somewhere. The Pakistan Army couldn’t only depend on Shoaib Akhtar and patriotism in his jeans to win the Kargil war. Even if Rawalpindi Express had gathered weapons to fight in Kashmir, I needed Hafiz Saeed’s back street boys.
Enough about old days
These days, I am making my next plans to win another war against India.
Truth be told, it is exhausting to win all the time. In 1947, to win a country out of India. In 1965, who won is me but India argues. And in 1971, to win against all odds after losing half the country. You remember my shenanigans in Siachen 1984, don’t you?
Winning is a habit that I can’t get rid of. Just like trying to win dollars from International Monetary Fund, not for Pakistan, but for my army’s businesses. Now our porridge, meat factories aren’t going to run on their own. Given my neutral status at home, I need dollars even more than before. You can say that it can also be done by any political government but the role of being a begging bowl is best played by me.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.