The Queen is dead. Long live the King.
I am your King. General King III.
Not that I needed to tell you, my readers, that in my line of work, a Pakistani General is the only real King. But I’m not like your usual royal who had once colonised you. I am the King-of-the-World and beyond. I serve as your sovereign, your commander-in-chief and your crime master (no, not Gogo).
While I mourn the demise of your maternal aunt Queen Elizabeth, let me share with you my affinity with her. If she was one Queen to fifteen prime ministers of the United Kingdom, I remained King to 23 (and counting) prime ministers of Pakistan. If she was a ‘Bond girl’, I am James Bond myself. If she was the monarch, I had the birthright to reign over Pakistan, now 75 years old and counting. Why else do you think we carved out another country in 1947?
I have the Kohinoor
Even though it’s common knowledge, let me recall that Elizabeth was Queen of Pakistan for a couple of years, which automatically made me her nephew. In those days, I was lovingly called General Nephew. I picked up a few traits from my Aunt Majesty, like wearing a stolen Kohinoor diamond with pride. Hence, I roam around carrying my broad chest, after occupying lands of my own people. From shaadi halls to islands to recreational parks to shopping malls, you name it and I own it. Don’t be dramatic about it, at least this is still better than Lagaan times. Now we have an entire country to ourselves and no Britishers to do what we now do the best on our own.
My heart melted when I saw the medals on Charles, William and Harry’s chest. Like us Pakistani Generals, these lads also haven’t won any wars but decorate themselves like they have won WWIII. People also think the Kohinoor in Queen’s crown is real. Let me break it to you. The one you saw pass by the Westminster Abbey, on top of Queen’s coffin, is a cheap Chinese replica. Don’t worry, the most expensive diamond in the world is safe in my sock drawer in Rawalpindi. Such was the relationship between me and khala Elizabeth. Why else do you think I became the first Pakistani who represented the Queen at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst? And no, India can’t take Kohinoor from me, it is part of my retirement package. Yes, Charles III wants Kohinoor back as well but I persist on keeping it in lieu of my services as his adviser on fountain pen affairs. Trust me, he needs me.
Also read: Why do we mourn those we don’t know? Queen Elizabeth’s death prompted grief across the world
Khala Queen, General King
The Queen and I are both older than Nokia 3310 but our problems were older than dirt. Her issues were with her successive daughters-in-law and mine with the successive prime ministers of Pakistan. If Meghan Markle couldn’t just sit home and make round chapatis, I had Imran Khan who just sat home and collected diamonds as bhatta or sold diamond watches given as State gifts in open market. Where did we both go wrong? The proof is in the diamonds.
At home I have been busy, doing nothing. Abroad, I am being honoured with gold necklaces if not crowns. That’s why I thought under my illustrious leadership I should expand my real estate schemes, if not horizons. A Khalistan referendum in Canada is part of my plan to have another piece of land where I can set up housing societies like the flourishing DHAs all over Pakistan. Freedom of Kashmir might not have become a reality in 75 years but I am now trying hard for Khalistan. There certainly is a fault in our K-stars.
I am now in my last few months as your army chief, then Pakistanis will have a new monarch to rule over your next generations. But it doesn’t mean that my dynasty has come to an end. The line of succession continues. As I become a grandfather of twin princes and future kings, it is my responsibility to keep serving you. On second thought, I have decided to give myself an extension of another couple of years. Definitely looks like the right thing to do under the current circumstances. There is climate change and there is mood change. Already, Pakistan has a new prime minister, so does England along with a new King. How many changes can the world go through at this sensitive time? The world at once cannot and should not lose two Greatest Of All Time or GOAT as you call it. You agree, right?
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.