Kaan? Can? Kannes? Koi baat nahin. By any other name and however you pronounce it, the glory of the prestigious Cannes Film Festival has been seriously dented by the over-dressed, over-enthusiastic, over-loaded, and under-talented contingent from India this year.
Cannes ko pura pura Cartoon Network bana diya.
Thanks to Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s newly introduced austerity measures, taxpayers were spared the brunt of shelling out euros to finance the scheduled trips of ministers and bureaucrats who virtuously announced their withdrawal from one of the world’s most glamorous events, citing their respect for the PM’s Seven Commandments to tighten designer belts.
It left me wondering what exactly people like Maharashtra Minister for Cultural Affairs Ashish Shelar were going to contribute to India’s presence in world cinema. More importantly, what politically correct outfit was Ministerji Shelar going to wear on the red carpet?
We know what Maharashtra’s First Lady Amruta Fadnavis had planned, before she too announced her Cannes sacrifice by posting a detailed Instagram Reel describing her red-carpet outfit — a “magnificent” Paithani saree from Yeola. Unfortunately, she did not show followers the beauty of the saree on camera, though she did mention the weavers who had slaved for months to create it. Assuming it is a masterpiece that did not get its well-deserved moment on the world stage, why not showcase it and call for an auction? Donate the amount to a worthy charity and set a good example, dear Amruta.
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Red-carpet circus
This year, our charged-up desi attendees on the Croisette represented Punjabi, Gujarati, Marathi, and Malayalam cinema. But mainly, they represented their regional identities, dressed like they were participating in our Republic Day parade, perched on top of state-sponsored floats on Kartavya Path: Maharashtrian ladies clad in garish nauvari kashta sarees with extra-long pallus resembling trains on gowns, men in ill-fitting studded tuxedos, younglings dressed for garba nights in Ahmedabad.
The visuals showcased an overload of all things gross, from large Peshwa naths to heavily embellished abla kaam lehengas. I half expected impromptu performances of lavni, dandiya raas, and bhangra on the most trod-on carpet in the area.
Oh… about that carpet.
Anybody and everybody can buy their two minutes on it. Yes, there are touts with rate cards, offering the works for 2000 euros — special shoots, expert advice on how and where to pose, a quick rehearsal, and voilà! You are there, waving and blowing kisses like a pro at nobody but the photographer you hired! Two minutes. That’s it. On a small section of the carpet, till the bouncers arrive to shoo you off!
A tsunami of deeply humiliating “celeb” reels did the rounds as we cringed at the ignominy of it all! Comically dressed non-entities preening on the blue carpet of the Martinez Hotel (yes, that too comes at a price), bombarded Instagram with multiple reels, inadvertently capturing the bouncers firmly ushering horrendously dressed desis away.
What is it that makes so many of us crave attention and validation at international events at the cost of personal dignity? Such a criminal waste of money and time! Imagine investing lakhs for the dubious ‘honour’ of faking a Cannes attendance dressed in bizarre outfits, just to end up making a spectacle of themselves. Buffoons will always look like buffoons.
Losing the plot at Cannes
But those clowns insist, “India is happening, yaar. India is everywhere.”
Dear India… please don’t happen!
Remember, Cannes is not a fancy-dress competition.
This year marked a new low in what used to be the mecca of cinema, the leader of film fests. It has been reduced to a joke — a tacky fashion fest for nobodies. When everything is for sale, including seats at fancy sponsored events, you know the party is over.
Same goes for the Met Gala. And the annual Davos Circus.
Looking back at India’s participation at Cannes over the years, it makes one wonder — how, where, and when did we lose the way?
India had its glory days starting way back when Chetan Anand’s Neecha Nagar (1946) won the Grand Prix. With Satyajit Ray’s 1956 Pather Panchali, which won the Best Human Document award, India was right up there with the international crème de la crème. Mrinal Sen’s Kharij won the Jury Prize in 1983, followed by several other incredibly talented filmmakers such as Mira Nair and Shaji N Karun, right up to 2024 and Payal Kapadia’s brilliant Grand Prix-winning All We Imagine as Light.
The current “cash and carry” environment in Cannes is encouraging people who have nothing to contribute to cinema to show up in clownish “couture” to parade their insecurity via loud, ostentatious garments and ridiculous accessories. Don’t know about the “India takeover” at Cannes. What India needs is a serious “makeover”.
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Awaiting ‘Ash’
The big moment will soon be upon us. When Queen Aishwarya Rai Bachchan shows up on the Cannes red carpet. Desi fashion hawks are agog at the prospect of seeing which dramatic avatar Ash will unveil in 2026. Let’s hope she has her favourite accessory at Cannes — Aaradhya.
The excitement is genuine, understandable, and palpable! There’s a brand-new designer-stylist on the scene, Mohit Rai. He was quoted as gushing, “When she walks, the whole world parts…”
Errrr… did I just miss a Biblical reference gone wrong?
Shobhaa De is an author, columnist, social commentator, and opinion-shaper. She has written 20 books. She tweets @DeShobhaa. Views are personal.
(Edited by Asavari Singh)
Vintage Shobhaa De.