I am Major General Babar Iftikhar. I am the one who succeeded Major General Asif Ghafoor as Pakistani military’s spokesman. I am no 16th-century Zahiruddin Muhammad Babar. But if names mean anything to you, then you must know my name stands for tiger or the ‘brave’. Apt for the current times. If Zahiruddin Babar or Babur could win the battle of Panipat then I will win Pakistanis the war against the coronavirus, if nothing else.
This is the first time I am writing to you in person. Don’t freak out. I’m wearing my face-mask and maintaining physical distance. You might think what took me so long to connect with you all, well, with my predecessor Asif Ghafoor’s stormy relationship with you, keeping quiet looked like a really good option. You all deserved the break, while I figured out what was it that I was chosen for.
Also read: ‘Twitter General’ Asif Ghafoor is no longer Pakistan military’s spokesperson
Man of action
When people say nothing good has come of the year 2020, it breaks my heart. Don’t they remember I came in their lives only in this mubarik year. Am I so unforgettable?
Who am I, even I don’t know. But I am nothing like the last one. I don’t use a smartphone, I don’t even have a personal Twitter account. People expect me to troll enemies of Pakistan, though that is not my job.
My style is rather traditional and subdued. I keep my cards close to my chest and I don’t believe in dying my grey hair. My keeping the greys, like Pakistan staying put on FATF’s grey-list, has converted many ‘Ghafoora’ haters into my lovers. That’s no mean achievement.
Some have called me an introvert, but that’s not so true. It will take time for you to understand that I will only blow the trumpet of my boss and not mine. I don’t believe in reaction. I am a man of action.
Also read: Boss Bajwa got extension, I didn’t. But don’t worry Pakistani dears, I will be Gen Twitter
Fourth-most intelligent nation
My first action was to announce a countrywide lockdown, when Pakistan’s Prime Minister Imran Khan was incapacitated by common sense, which as you know, isn’t that uncommon. I am Pakistan’s corona soldier.
These are unprecedented times. And unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. Why else do you think the armed forces is making hand sanitisers? It is good for business, of course, but then one has to oversee hundreds of our military’s businesses. How else you think our country is going to run?
While the scientists of the world are looking for a cure to Covid-19, our scientists are making face-masks. Only that will help us get rid of the fake ‘Made in China’ underwear masks. World has its problems, we have ours.
We have to fight an enemy named coronavirus whose ideology is unknown. This virus is way more dangerous than the killers of Jewish-American journalist Daniel Pearl, that’s why we decided to set them free. A decision that backfired. For years, no one even mentioned terrorist Omar Saeed Sheikh. I bet no one even knew he was still alive, but then suddenly the entire world woke up. Now, we Pakistanis weren’t crowned “fourth-most intelligent nation” in the world for nothing.
We continue to fight the fifth-generation hybrid warfare.
Also read: Pakistani doctors need PPE to fight Covid-19, PM Imran Khan puts paper tigers on the job
Triumph and triumph
Last February, India wanted to surprise us with Balakot strikes, in return, we surprised India by celebrating the surprise they couldn’t surprise us with. That’s a lot of surprises in one lifetime. It is now a story for our future Pakistan Studies generations. Dushman ne raat ke andhere mein chhup karhum par vaar kiya, we have practiced that line since 1965. At least in 2020 dushman can WhatsApp and then attack.
27 February 2019 is a day of triumph, a day of being proud, don’t ask why. We destroyed two Indian fighter planes and caught one soldier. Initially, there were two, then there was one, and then we were left with none. The entire country celebrated with a Rahat Fateh Ali Khan concert on the first anniversary of the great bravery of Abhinandan Varthaman descending from nowhere into Pakistan. Nothing that India does will ever make us forget that and we will celebrate each year.
People have judged me for rooting for Lahore Qalandars in the Pakistan Super League, a team that loses each time in the league. So much so that fans worry that it might one day lose its name as well. I’ll still take credit on behalf of my boss for bringing cricket back in Pakistan and eliminating terrorism. Don’t doubt that ever.
As chief of public relations and a soldier against coronavirus, it is my duty to inform you that times have changed. Due to the economic crunch, we’ve had to lay off so many of our hired trolls. But that doesn’t mean that the field has been left open. Some of our trolls still work from home for we want them to stay safe. That doesn’t necessarily mean you all will be safe. I might not be watching you in person but remember #AllahDekhRahaHai.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.