I had heard a blend of praises and criticisms about Vipassana for quite some time. Many of my acquaintances, from friends to family, had embarked on the 10-day journey at Vipassana camps, each returning with a varied array of emotions. So, I made up my mind to experience it firsthand. Had things gone as planned, this account would not be taking shape now, for I would have remained within the confines of the camp.
I am against the idea of blind devotion; I tend to approach matters with a critical eye, and that is due to my early socialisation. My late father, a schoolteacher at a government school in Jharkhand, instilled in me the principle of not accepting anything without testing it. With time, I discovered that this approach aligns with the traditions of Ajivika saints, Charvaka philosophy, Buddha, and Kabir.
Therefore, when I resolved to go to a Vipassana camp, I wanted to see it through to the end, regardless of what lay ahead. A friend joked that having never ventured into the realm of meditation before, I would likely flee within seven days. He was right — here I stand, having left the Vipassana camp on the fifth day!
Prior to my experience, my understanding of Vipassana was that it stemmed from Buddhist practices, enabling participants to delve inwardS to seek life’s answers. It essentially seemed like a practice of “App Deepo Bhava” or “Be a light unto yourself” — the wise words of Buddha.
I must admit to a certain lack of preparedness. I hadn’t read any scholarly or popular texts on Vipassana, nor had I engaged with any related videos. I was, in essence, a complete novice to the meditation retreat.
In this column, I chronicle my experience, devoid of philosophical debates or profound revelations. A few important disclaimers: the Vipassana camp levied no charges on food, accommodation, or any other amenities. No one is allowed to use a cell phone, any communication or recording device, pen, paper, or book inside the camp.
I write all this with memory.
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The arena of the unknown
I missed day zero due to flight scheduling constraints. I later discovered that day one included registration, dormitory assignment, and a nearly hour-long recorded discourse by SN Goenka. The meditation guru from erstwhile Burma reintroduced Vipassana in India in 1969 and popularised it by expounding on the significance of the retreat. Given the observation of silence, there was no interaction between participants. I will delve into this silence more comprehensively as I progress.
I entered the camp with an inquisitive mind. The lecture that others had listened to on day zero, I listened to on day one. I was given a good enough room in the men’s section — with no air conditioner or any other frills, but it had all the basic facilities. I joined the meditation group in the main hall or the chaitya. There were around 70 students or sadhaks in the group, out of which 50 were men, all seated separately. Two gurus, one male and one female, barely spoke — Goenka ji did all the talking through his recorded audio.
The guru spoke about the journey from sheel to samadhi to pragya. The first part, sheel or discipline, was guaranteed, not left to any chance or speculation. The seven disciplines prohibit the following: killing a living being, stealing, sex, lying, intoxicating substances, cosmetics, and good mattresses. All costly things were already deposited in safe lockers, living quarters were separated so there was no scope for sexual activity, nobody speaks, and there’s no scope of keeping any substances.
Sheel is the easiest part of Vipassana. You need not do anything. The system ensures that your sheel is maintained. Thus, one-third of your goals are achieved even before sitting in the samadhi for the first time. How does it help people? Once they are out of the campus, it is an altogether different experience. I am sure there are people who might have benefited from this. But I am not one of those lucky ones.
I have not uttered a single word about sadhana or dhyan. Precisely because there’s not much to say. We were asked to breathe in and breathe out, which we were doing anyway. Our task was to concentrate on the portion above the upper lip, the nostrils, and the cavity above the nostrils. We sat still, inhaling and exhaling, concentrating on our breathing rhythm and trying to stop our minds from getting distracted. The whole exercise was quite regimented — and that raised an alarm in my mind. Nonetheless, I decided to comply, for, after all, I was venturing into the arena of the unknown. I had to be obedient. Then a bell rang, and everyone headed toward the dining hall like robots. I liked the discipline.
The food was tasty — some dishes served were daliya, upma, rice and dal, and sabzi — “pure vegetarian” without garlic or onion. Essentially, it was Jain food in a Buddhist meditation camp. But it was also high in carbohydrates, which I had to reduce in my diet as per my doctor’s suggestion. So, the food in the camp became the first real problem for me.
Tick-tock
The day’s schedule was as follows: Wake up at 4 am, attend sadhana till 6:30 am. Breakfast for half an hour. From 7 am to 8 am, there was a walk and rest. From 8 am to 9, there was community sadhana. From 9 am to 11 am, another session of sadhana. From 11 am to 11:30 am, lunch. From 11:30 am to 1 pm, rest. From 12 pm to 12:30 pm, there was an ask your guru session. From 1 pm to 2:30 pm, one more sadhana session. From 2:30 pm to 3:30 pm, community sadhana. From 3:30 pm to 5 pm, there was sadhana. From 5 pm to 5:20 pm, tea and snacks. From 5:20 pm to 6 pm, rest or walk. From 6 pm to 7 pm, more community sadhana. From 7 pm to 8:30 pm, a session of recorded discourse. From 8:30 pm to 9 pm, more sadhana. At 9 pm, we would go to bed. During community sadhana, no one was supposed to leave the room.
So, we were mainly doing three things in the camp: Eating, inhaling and exhaling while tracking every breath, and sleeping. Gym activities were not possible, and there was no place for jogging. On day three, we focused on breathing and concentrated our minds on a smaller section — above the upper lip and on the nostrils. On day four, we started moving our attention to our entire body, part by part, from top to bottom. On day five, I exited the camp.
Not so noble silence?
My second problem was the restrictions on communication. The entire campus followed the dictum of arya maun or noble silence. Participants weren’t supposed to utter a single word to each other; no one could communicate through gestures, and even eye contact was discouraged. Signboards asked participants to keep their eyes down. Written communication was ruled out too.
Owing to my limited understanding of Buddhist traditions, I believed that Buddha preached questioning everything — and nothing was beyond scrutiny, not even Buddha and his teachings. If we don’t discuss and debate, how are we supposed to move toward ‘noble truth’? During the entire Vipassana period, students were kept away from any type of knowledge or debate. The guru didn’t deliver any lectures — all of them were audio recordings, so there was no scope for raising questions and getting answers. Any Q&A sessions outside the lectures were about problems related to personal issues and meditation. The meditation method was, obviously, beyond questioning.
I knew from my educational training how important the role of dissatisfaction and discontent is in human civilisation. Being dissatisfied, in fact, is everyone’s civilisational duty. We are here only because our ancestors were unsatisfied with living in caves. The dissatisfaction emerging from the feudal mode of production led us to scientific and industrial revolutions. Our journey from analogue to digital to artificial intelligence and now blockchain technology has happened because each paradigm created its own limitations and discontents. I don’t subscribe to the idea of Vipassana that says we need to free ourselves from worldly attachments and affections (राग और मोह). This idea might be useful for others. I am an ordinary human being with many emotions and tendencies. Here, I am disclosing one of my secrets. I want to have more fire in my belly.
As far as Q&A sessions are concerned, it was clearly mentioned that all questions must be related to understanding Vipassana and that too in an inquisitive manner. I don’t think that this is a Buddhist method. Buddhist epistemology evolved during debates and discourses. This disagreement is very important to me.
These meditation techniques claimed to cure many ailments. I don’t know if any study has been conducted to substantiate this. I consider this as truth unless proven otherwise.
Another significant problem for me was that exiting before course completion was difficult. Many times during the enrollment process, I was reminded that one must complete the course. In the course brochure, it was clearly written that the students would remain inside the camp for the entire duration and would not be allowed to leave in between. I found this violative of the fundamental right to move without restrictions. This rule was not followed strictly.
I found the recorded lectures irrational. The guru said that all religions are good, and this meditation is beyond all religions, even Buddhism, that it is for everybody. He talked about rebirth and otherworldliness, all of which I find nonsensical. There was no Buddha statue in the camp.
When I decided to leave, on day four, I told guru ji during a night session that I had left some important tasks unfinished and as Independence Day was approaching, I needed to do some writing as well. I also told him that I didn’t find the camp useful and it did not live up to my expectations. I was asked to go to my room and sleep. The next conversation happened the following morning when I repeated myself. And I was out.
I am not placing a value judgement on Vipassana. It might have helped others with their goals and expectations. This is my personal account.
Perhaps I wanted something else, and there were wide gaps between my expectations and reality. After returning from the camp, I talked to one of my friends who teaches philosophy. Listening to my take, he said that perhaps I am more influenced by the Navayana Buddhism of BR Ambedkar and that revolutionary ideas should not be sought in other Buddhist traditions.
I am still breathing and thinking.
(Edited by Humra Laeeq)