Netflix’s Bard of Blood is no threat to Pakistan. Even saas-bahu shows have more plot twists

As soon as the Netflix show’s trailer came out, many in Pakistan called it propaganda production whose sole aim was to show the country in bad light.

A still from Bard of Blood | Netflix | Facebook

Despite the backlash against the Netflix show in Pakistan, I binge-watched Bard of Blood. And now I’m thinking why I did this to myself.

This much-hyped fictional Netflix series, produced by Shah Rukh Khan, follows the secret journey of three Indian agents to the restive province of Balochistan in Pakistan. Their aim is to free four Indian spies who have been captured by the Taliban in Quetta.

As soon as the show’s trailer came out in August, many in Pakistan called it a propaganda production whose sole aim was to show Pakistan in bad light.

Stay in bollywood syndrome @iamsrk . For reality see RAW Spy Kulbhushan Jadev, Wing Comd Abhinandan & state of 27 Feb 2019.
You could rather promote peace & humanity by speaking against atrocities in IOJ&K and against Hindituva of Nazism obsessed RSS. https://t.co/0FWqoRQsO6

— Asif Ghafoor (@peaceforchange) August 23, 2019

This just vindicates what I have been saying for so long. Another week & yet another anti-Pakistan project. Now can we wake up, smell the coffee & see Bollywood’s agenda for what it is?@iamsrk Be patriotic, nobody is stopping you – just don’t do it at the expense of vilifying us. https://t.co/iCElRpJAa1

— Mehwish Hayat TI (@MehwishHayat) August 23, 2019

Pakistanis felt all the more hurt because it involved Shah Rukh Khan. When it comes to SRK, everyone in Pakistan seems to forget that he is an Indian. Funny, I know.

The lead protagonist of the show, Emraan Hashmi, also weighed in, explaining how the show is based on a 2015 book of the same name, how it is a fictional story set in a different time, and how it is not propaganda.

A hilarious espionage thriller

Well, even if Bard of Blood was an attempt at propaganda, it is a pretty sloppy one by all standards. Two-and-a-half Indian agents decide to take on the Taliban and the Pakistani security agencies in Balochistan in what they call an ‘off-the-books’ operation. What are the odds, really? Between action and cut, they can do all of that and probably also help free Balochistan.

This is a rescue mission with Kabir Anand (Emraan Hashmi), a tragic hero who can’t get over his guilt of losing a friend in a prior mission; Veer Singh (Vineet Kumar Singh), a forgotten soul based in Afghanistan who is not even remembered by his intelligence agency; and Isha Khanna (Sobhita Dhulipala), who can’t operate a gun but is on her first field mission, and what easier place to start off with than Balochistan. Although she’s had her application for field missions routinely rejected, we are told she is a Balochistan analyst at the Indian Intelligence Wing.

We see these agents flying to Afghanistan and then driving to Balochistan. Sounds exciting? Just a minor issue, unlike Pakistan and India, Afghanistan is a left-hand drive country but these agents all through the show move around Afghanistan in a right-hand drive car.

The conversation during this ride is enough to suggest what the future of this mission will be — bleak, as far as the audiences are concerned. “How far is the border,” one of them asks; “We have already crossed the border, welcome to Pakistan; visa and immigration are rules of other world,” Singh replies. And then suddenly, these agents are stopped at a check-post where a fight breaks out, and their right-hand drive car is gone.

They are seen walking through the bordering area, and next we know, they’re in Quetta. How exactly they reached Quetta, the capital of Balochistan, remains a mystery. Did they walk all the way or did they take a bus or a mule ride? We don’t know.

Throughout the series, time and again, these agents who plan to achieve so much ask each other “what’s the plan” and that they “need a plan”. Who steps out of the house these days without a plan?

It comes as a breaking news repeatedly that Kech district is a Taliban stronghold, and every time this is mentioned, the three agents look surprised. Then there is a forced love story, of course. Bard of Blood is a collection of such random and juvenile consequences that it makes for the most hilarious espionage thriller ever. Even Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi would have had better mystery, intrigues, plot and twists, I reckon.

All about stereotypes

Nothing sticks, all emotions are so artificial that it doesn’t make you feel anything for any of the characters. Be it Kabir Anand’s forced love story with the daughter of a Baloch nationalist, his bursting into Shakespeare verses without a reason, or Veer Singh’s desire to attend to his father who has Alzheimer’s.

Not to forget, this is a rogue mission and these agents are on their own. How are they surviving, who is helping them? We are never told. When agent Isha Khanna steals a laptop from a poor vendor in Quetta, we assume she forgot to keep it in her bag while packing. Then, she’s seen working on that stolen laptop and using fancy apps – which internet connection is she using? Is it Pakistan Telecommunication’s wireless package or Zong 4G? Coverage, however, is pretty bad in that part of Pakistan, I am told.

We never understand why Pakistani characters talk the way they do in Bollywood and now in this series. No, we don’t say adaab, janab, bohot khoob, hairat hai, farman aya hai, aapki ijazat ho and all. Every character seems to be coming out of an Urdu shairi competition, and this has persisted since the Veer-Zaara days or even earlier. How difficult is it really to research how people speak in Pakistan? If nothing else, watching prime-time Pakistani TV news shows can help, although it can affect your mental peace for a while, but it’s still worth a start.

Diction is another thing. Like the Taliban handler of ISA, the fictional equivalent of ISI, Tanveer Shehzad tells Mullah: “Mere mansubay azeem hain, apko fuker (not fakhar) hoga” (my goals are lofty, you will be proud). Now see, how the diction can change everything.

Not every Taliban terrorist, Afghan or Pakistani, is a brand ambassador of Hashmi surma. Putting thick kohl in their eyes doesn’t make them look more evil, it definitely makes the filmmakers look more idiotic.

The good thing is this season is over. The bad news is the ending suggests Bard of Blood could be back with another season. If the first season didn’t do anything for us, imagine how the second one would be.

The author is a freelance journalist from Pakistan. Her Twitter handle is @nailainayat. Views are personal.