Dear Pakistan Army, I would have made an excellent DG ISPR: Khadim Rizvi’s letter from heaven

A file photo of the head of the Tehreek-i-Labaik Yah Rasool Allah Pakistan (TLYRAP) religious group Khadim Hussain Rizvi (C), offers Friday prayers on a blocked flyover bridge during a protest in Islamabad on November 24, 2017. | AFP PHOTO / AAMIR QURESHI (Photo credit should read AAMIR QURESHI/AFP/Getty Images)

I am dead, but I can write. Don’t you think I am still alive? People come, people go but what stays in the world are my 18+ jokes.

“O dallay”, I address this letter to General Twitter, for my heart is oozing with hateful gratitude over my passing-away parade. I want to make it clear that as an “austere religious scholar”, I was first approached by the New York Times to be their columnist from jannat. But I decided to reach the other side of the tunnel.

Who would have imagined the Pakistan Army’s love for me? Even before I had breathed my last, Army chief Qamar Bajwa tweeted condolences — staying true to his army’s Rs 1,000 promise of “kya hum aapke sath nahin?” Did he know something that I didn’t? Seems like both Bajwa and Prime Minister Imran Khan had the condolences saved in their twitter drafts. Pe** di siri.

In my life, people thought I was against the Pakistani Army. Reality is — I was just their fauji. If I were in uniform, I would have been the DG ISPR, better than Asif Ghafoor, and I would have taken several extensions over my death, like Bajwa. Influence, I had. Why else do you think CENTCOM (US Central Command) was crying over my demise? Wish Alia Bhatt cried too. I thought I meant something to her.

Me, my menace and mazhab

When I was born, my mother taught me just one thing. Ammi jaan kehti thi mazhab se bada koi dhanda nahin hota. I stuck to it and look where I am now. There is no slogan bigger than saving Islam in Pakistan. Why else do you think we created Pakistan in the first place?

I was no Taliban, I was no Al-Qaeda — I was my own menace.

Everyone wants to know how is it that I am dead. Here is exactly what happened.

As you know, I was the Gabbar Singh for blasphemers. Mothers used to tell their children, ‘So ja warna Khadim aa jaeyga’. But when I left the earth, all of it became history. One blasphemer on my radar was France. I urge why Pakistan keeps an atom bomb when it is not going to use it? What’s the fun in that? For as long as I was alive, I wanted to nuke France and all the countries I ever heard the name of, but everyone thought I was joking. Then I decided to do a suicide nuke attack on Emmanuel Macron’s country. Little did I know that in this blast-phemy, I will bomb myself to bits. Sh*t happens.

There is gain in all pain. Now I sit in jannat, still filled with immense hate. That is just what my fate is. But with my ideas, revolution is just around the corner in jannat, not much different from General Twitter’s corner plots in which he enjoys pepperoni pizzas.

People called me an enigma, an Allama (scholar). But, in reality, I was just a guy next door, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. I was the shaheen of Allama Iqbal. You can credit me for this — only I could understand the real meaning of Iqbal’s poetry. You Pakistanis just wanted a holiday, so that you could sleep on Iqbal Day.

In Jannat, no hoors, no Tinder

I am asked if I have any regrets. The only one I can think of is that I wasn’t able to use Tinder before Imran Khan banned it. I had several exciting options but was too shy to swipe. If I could go in the past, casual hook-ups is one thing I would like to add to my dharnas. Why should Imran Khan have all the fun in his dharnas?

After death did us apart, I became an entrepreneur. My colourful vibrant language made it possible for me to open several food joints across the land of kufar, especially in The Netherlands and France. Next, I plan to venture into the world of music, based on my galam-galoch. After all, I inspired many singers into writing songs over my flowery mouth, not to forget those MTVish remixes. A Coke Studio from jannat is in the works, and even this music will blow your brains, literally.

My days start, my days end. It is kind of anticlimactic for all the fuss we created about life after death. My companion is Ludo and my guilty pleasure remains offering jannat to all my neighbours in jannat.

Wish one day Maulana Tariq Jameel could join me here and see for himself that all those stories about hoors were just hoax.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.