Every political and non-political entity in Pakistan accuses its opponent of being funded by India and Israel. The reason is simple — designating your foe as the best friend of your national enemy works like a charm, all the time. So we shall stop fighting the obvious and see for ourselves how India and Israel have, throughout history, funded everyone in Pakistan. No evidence is needed so let’s recreate a parallel history with the help of some publicly available photographs.
1947 BP (Before Pakistan): Two Indian men posing as women who used to DM each other on Twitter find out that they are actually men. Clearly disturbed, @Shabnam420 and @Sheila9211 broke things off. Their fraandship ended in a jiffy. Hurt by the betrayal, @Shabnam420 sent out a threat to @Sheila9211: Tere ghar ke samane ek ghar banaunga, tere ghar ke samane duniya basaunga. Words were spoken. Ghar was made. And that’s how India made Pakistan.
A little-known fact is that the woman whose only job it seemed was to laugh at the poor jokes of desi uncles back in the day, was also conspiring with the Israelis. Even the Israelis didn’t know what for. But those laughs weren’t for nothing, after all.
In the 1947 AP (After Pakistan) period, the first military dictator exchanged notes with the Indian prime minister about the latter’s progress as the high-profile agent of Israel. Oblivious of the nitty-gritty of the dictator’s services, the prime minister was told that if he ever wished for a coup d’état against his political rivals, a helpline will be set up for him because WhatsApp was not safe anymore. Both agreed. The number 111 was settled upon.
At some point, Pakistani boys decided to visit their grandmothers in India. But their trip took an emotional turn when they find out they really love their colonial cousins and want to stay with them. The condition for the stay was rather stringent, though. “Drop those guns and stay for as long as you want,” one grandma told them. The Indian cousins took the guns and sent back the Pakistani boys with funds of red roses. Rest, as they say, is history.
Special agent uncle responsible for the 1971 boys had tea at grandma’s and was promised that good care will be taken of his band. Several years later, as a thank you note, grandma sends a cousin. He jumped from the sky out of nowhere. When he meets his Pakistani cousins, he tells them that the “Tea was fantastic”. But this shy cousin was also heard saying: “I am sorry, I am not supposed to tell you this.” Still, he was a hit and Pakistan took instant liking to one of their cross-border cousins. But soon rishta aunties learnt that he was married and he lost all his charm. He had to be sent back with a carton of Lipton tea bags.
The infamous Israeli pilot, who was working in connivance with India and is said to have been captured in Pakistan, has now been discovered. He was converted and married off and now has more than 100 kids — wait for it — in only two years. His is a record waiting to be entered in the Guinness book.
A mango man discovers an Israeli invention, a game called cricket. After threatening the enemy with a possible nuclear attack, he decides to settle score on a cricket pitch and take dugna lagaan. But as luck would have it, the mango had disappeared.
RAW chief spotted giving funds to the future Pakistani prime minister. Israelis are also seen in the background celebrating the momentous event in the PM’s life with apple juice.
Unknown Indian people arrive in Pakistan to fund and recruit people working in the sugar mills of the prime minister. Oblivious of what will happen next with him, the Pakistani PM waves as if there will be no tomorrow.
The as-of-yet last military ruler from Pakistan bows down to Indian royalty with an emotional speech — Ek mard ka sir sirf teen auraton ke saamne jhukta hai. Moved by the gesture, the royalty reimburses the dictator’s travel and lodging expenses, besides giving free passes for the cricket match being held nearby. Such a relief to the exchequer of Pakistan.
Two enemy partners meet outside Kake Da Dhaba. Hand in hand, they make future plans and exchange nuclear secrets. One loses his job due to his open generosity, the other remembers how mom said, ‘Mere Karan Arjun ayenge’. The partnership is still going strong. Our sources say both have now joined Signal app for security reasons in the wake of what happened to a TV anchor who always showed special interest in Pakistan.
Never-seen-footage from Mossad headquarters: Two agents with known and special skills of seduction being recruited. After all, the next war will be fought on seduction. Nukes can wait.
Do you also see what I see? Yes, yellow flowers and two men in the background. As serious as this looks, one discussed his wide-ranging interest in OTT shows, while the other waited to say his maan ki baat. Both agreed that keeping calm and blaming India and Israel was the best thing for Pakistan’s future.
I don’t know how much you will be convinced by these photographs and what they mean in the parallel Pakistani universe. But no matter what you believe, do know that it was important someone settled this India-Israel funding nexus once and for all. The conspiracy stories of Yahood and Hanood (Jews and Hindus), meanwhile, will continue till the end of time.
The author is a freelance journalist from Pakistan. Her Twitter handle is @nailainayat. Views are personal.