Here’s what Narendra Modi really wants to say in Mann ki Baat, but can’t

File photo of Prime Minister Narendra Modi | Kevin Frayer/Getty Images

In the new year, I want you to make resolutions too.

Mere pyaare deshwasiyon, my dear countrymen, namaskar.

I have been sharing my mann ki baat with you for a while. But you seem to have got the wrong idea. I did not want to hear YOUR mann ki baat in return. So Mr BJP karyakarta from Puducherry, you did not need to ask me awkward questions about middle class tax breaks. However, since you have shared your real mann ki baat and as the year approaches its end, let me share with you my real mann ki baat as well. Think of it as an early New Year Gift from your humble sevak-in-chief.

My dear countrymen, this is the season when many of you run after a portly man with a white beard who promises gifts to everyone. Mitron, does that sound familiar at all? Santa Claus does this once a year. I do it 24×7 and 365 days in many different turbans instead of one red hat, and yet you begrudge me a simple suit with my name on it. Anyway, I am not one for holding grudges. But remember as I tirelessly work for you, day and night, I too have needs. I too want gifts for Good Governance Day. I would like a big statue. A very big statue. I am surprised you have not got the hint yet. Every day we talk about a new big statue for someone – Sardar Patel, Bhagwan Ram, Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj, Atal ji, even NTR and no one talks about one for me. Please just make sure its chest is 56-feet in diameter and it sports Bulgari thin-rimmed spectacles. That is not too much to ask, is it?

Dear countrymen, since we are speaking frankly (well I am speaking frankly and you are listening obediently), let me tell you what else I want. I want to make a list of the countries I have not been to yet and visit them. I want more followers than Donald Trump on Twitter and I also want to tweet whatever I want, like Mr Trump. I want to be able to have temper tantrums on Twitter instead of always being so well-behaved and talking about rail bridges across Brahmaputra and road networks in Odisha and tsunamis in Indonesia. I also want Sushma ji to stop tweeting and solving people’s problems on Twitter. That is irritating. I would like to know more of Nitin Gadkari ji‘s real mann ki baat and less of Subramanian Swamy’s.

Dear countrymen, I have spent the last four years thinking about your acche din. Now I want you to think about mine. I would like a new calendar system in India – Before Modi and After Modi. I also want no one to ever call a Nehru jacket anything but a Modi vest. I want everyone to wear them at cabinet meetings along with Narendra Modi masks. I want to have an annual acronym competition where you, my dear countrymen, will come up with acronyms for your favourite government programme and your favourite leader. I personally like PAL — Param Aadarniya Leader. I want the NaMo app to be mandatory on every mobile phone. I would like a better Photoshop department in the ministry so that we do not have any embarrassing mistakes anymore.

My countrymen, you know I love you. But let me say frankly I am a little disappointed in you. I know I said I accept the election results with humility but I am upset. Dear gau rakshak mitron, what more do you want from me? I have kept quiet. Even when some say the life of a cow is more important than the life of a policeman I have kept quiet because when gaumata is concerned, mum’s the word as they say in English.

I have made boilerplate remarks about law and order. I have given you Yogi Adityanath. And you still did not rally enough votes for me in the heartland. Even the gau minister lost. Never mind all that nonsense about elections being about haar jeet, I do not like losing. Not one bit. When I talked about Congress-mukt Bharat, I meant it. Now Pappu is making jabs at me on Twitter and too many of you are finding it funny. I do not like that at all. I am the funny one. I am the hriday samrat of Twitter. Why does he not talk about escape velocity like he once did? Why is he making smart remarks about how nobody killed Kausar Bi and Sohrabuddin Sheikh and Haren Pandya? I am glad someone reminded him about the Sikhs of 1984. But it is not enough. This Rahul Gandhi is becoming too talkative on Twitter. I want the old days back when he would go MIA for three weeks and his Italian-origin mother would not talk to the media for three months. I want my follower army to control the agenda on Twitter.

Please remember that my job is to travel the world, hug important people, do yoga and make promises. But the promises are figures of speech, not real promises. You are not supposed to remember them and hold me accountable. What nonsense is this to say that Pradhan Mantri ji promised these many toilets or that he will bring this much black money back to India. Who was holding Indira Gandhi accountable for all those promises in her five year plans?

In the new year I want you to make resolutions too. No one, no farmers, no Army veterans, no one at all will march in Delhi saying the government does not care. No one will talk about Rafale without talking about AgustaWestland. No one will mention Nirav Modi. No one will ask about farm loan waivers. No one will say things like why is Modi ji not talking about this or that. Do I have to talk about everything from cows to Section 377 to transgender bill? No one will ask me questions that I don’t know about beforehand so that I can prepare an “impromptu” answer with a small heart-warming anecdote from someone in Jhumri Telaiya. Every scheme I announce will be called a masterstroke.

My dear countrymen, another year is coming to an end in our beautiful relationship together. May the New Year bring greater happiness, glad tidings and prosperity for all of you. Let us move forward with renewed zeal, enthusiasm, fervour and new resolve and the NaMo app.

As 2019 elections approach, remember I will be watching you. I mean I will be watching over you like a good PAL should.

Sandip Roy is a journalist, commentator and author.