Wars begin, wars end, but what remains eternal is my uniformed aura. I, as your favourite General X, was here when the United States defeated the Soviet Union — with my help, of course. I was here when the Taliban beat the US — again, with my help. And I am still here as the Iran-US conflict is simmering. Surprised that I am the mediator, though I have no intention or interest in ending any war? In the second innings of my political-military career, mediation is all I believe in.
As I usurp power after power in Pakistan, nothing must remain off-limits now. New legislation passed by my rubber-stamp Parliament helps me reach higher heights. Everything in Pakistan is far too easy and there is no worthy rival. Now your Field Marshal’s dil mannge more. Maybe a stint as your next President? Maybe a place in Argentina’s football team to replace Lionel Messi? I too am a GOAT, without any debate. I can even become the next 007. So what if I am not a Brit! I have the spycraft experience, the looks and the charm of James Bond.
I have been winning the Pakistani political chess game even before I came into this world. What threat is Imran Khan to me? Jung Kook’s BTS army is a much bigger threat than this former cricketer who harboured such foolish notions of bowling me out. I have no plans to kill him or release him or even bother about him as he suffers in jail. This is how we treat all our past prime ministers — beware, future PM hopefuls. At least give me credit for giving our old menace some cake this Independence Day. A sugar rush for Khan is all I can offer right now.
Also read: I am Field Marshal thanks not to Allah, but you Narendra Modi: Pakistani General X
I am the ‘pacemaker’ of the world
I keep Shehbaz Sharif as prime minister just for optics. It is good for business to have a civilian, suited-and-booted like Russian President Vladimir Putin and others, at international meet-ups. Else, you all know who runs the country. There is no point in taking this farce of democracy seriously. Like my life, Pakistan’s democracy is a sham. Everyone wants to be my BFF, for they know who will get the job done in Pakistan. Just ask US President Donald Trump or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. But don’t ask Mohamed bin Zayed of the United Arab Emirates. We are in a complicated relationship since I became too close to MBS and Iran. It’s a lovers’ triangle, and I am the most in-demand BFF these days. It is no hoax that I am the Odysseus of the modern world.
To share my heart’s yearning, I am now bored with these local achievements. My boredom at home is the reason I have anointed myself the self-proclaimed World Peacemaker. Or call me the pacemaker, who will control the heart rhythms of the Trumps, the Netanyahus and the Khameneis of the world. That is the reason I am signing bilateral and trilateral defence pacts one after another with vengeance. Beware, world leaders: if you attack Mecca, you attack me; if you attack Ankara, you attack me! Everything must eventually become about me. In fact, the time is not far off when an attack on India will be considered an attack on Pakistan. I can protect Narendra Modi from the cockroaches. You read it right. At the right dollar price, everything is possible.
No wonder even Bangladesh wants Pakistan to take them under its wings. Not that I am complaining, but why did you idiots take independence from us? See how you are seeking our protection 55 years later.
Take it seriously when my brother from across the border, Gaurav Arya, convinces you that “Asim Munir is the best thing to have happened for India.” He might just be right for a change. I can do for India what Alia Bhatt couldn’t do with Alpha. No, your General X doesn’t plan to wear a bikini and start dancing in water for no reason. Water is scarce and conserving it is my mission. Especially when India lost another war at The Hague over its suspension of the Indus Waters Treaty. Such is my aura that even international organisations kneel before me. This is how I am rewriting history with my defence pacts, taking all the power and masquerading as the General of Peace.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the author will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Prashant Dixit)