Becoming a mother was the happiest moment for Indian Revenue Service officer Shubhrata Prakash in 2011. But it was also a time for overwhelming sadness and a deep void. She suffered quietly, not knowing how to describe it. More than a decade later, she has found her voice.
“This was me yesterday on the way to the seminar. Today, I am battling #grief, had an anxiety attack, crying spells, stomach ache…” Prakash tweeted in November 2022.
This was me yesterday on the way to the seminar. Today, I am battling #grief, had an anxiety attack, crying spells, stomach ache….💔. This how mental illness manifests – good day; bad day.
I don't think this is something I should hide or feel ashamed of. It's ok 2 not b ok. pic.twitter.com/rm0DFvTyPF
— Shubhrata Prakash (@shubhrata_p) November 17, 2022
In a world of stiff upper-lipped faceless, steel-frame civil servants, the 2002-batch IRS officer is speaking loudly about her depression. She is India’s first civil servant to speak about mental health matters in such an open manner, and without fear of backlash, pushback or stigma.
“I have seen the worst in my four years of depression. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, so I didn’t think talking about it would hurt me,” said Shubhrata Prakash, who is still fighting depression and is working as a commissioner in the Income Tax Department.
Since 2015, Prakash has posted at least a thousand times about mental health issues with the hashtag Mentalhealth on Twitter, Instagram and even LinkedIn. Her posts get as many as a hundred retweets, shares and likes on average. People react by calling her the source of inspiration for all those suffering from depression.
Her most recent post read: “For the love of God, please stop sharing suicide notes of victims. They are triggering in general, and may tip other vulnerable people, especially children and teens, over the edge; and also very disrespectful to/of the dead.”
*TW: #SuicidePrevention *
For the love of God, please stop sharing suicide notes of victims. They are triggering in general, and may tip other vulnerable people esp children and teens, over the edge; and also very disrespectful to/of the dead.#mentalhealth
— Shubhrata Prakash (@shubhrata_p) March 3, 2023
One person wrote under the post: “Yes. It must stop on social media as also on TVs.” At first, Prakash’s depression was seen by senior officers as an excuse for not working but when her condition gradually worsened, support started pouring in from office colleagues.
“Initially people thought that maybe I don’t want to work, that’s why I am doing it, but a time came when my condition became such that I was not in a position to work. At my worst, in those four years, I was able to work only for one year. The rest of the time I was on leave, ” she said.
Prakash went abroad with her husband while she was sick.
The worst years were from 2012 to 2016. She frequently had suicidal thoughts. She felt no strength in her body. Everything looked blurry. People’s words would sting her. She gave them excuses like fever and low BP. She didn’t have the courage to utter the D word.
‘Why do you have depression, your life is very good, look at those people who have nothing, concentrate on work, do yoga,’ her relatives, colleagues and friends asked ignorantly, but it hurt.
“Even the world’s greatest neuroscientist doesn’t know the answer,” Prakash said.
“It’s a common belief in society about depression that maybe I don’t have gratitude for the good things in my life or I’m not grateful. But at one point, I started feeling that if I have depression, it is not my fault, and that’s when I started telling people about it,” she adds.
On her worst days, Prakash used to lie on the bed the whole day. On the days that were a little better, Prakash would read and research depression. “How to cure depression is the most searched question in my browser history,” laughed Prakash.
Slowly she came to know about the experiences of many like her from global websites.
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Journey to overcome depression
After taking a break of three years, Shubhrata Prakash’s journey to get out of depression started. In this whole process of getting better, the support of her husband IPS Avi Prakash was most important.
“My husband just told me ‘You just have to stay alive, don’t get up from the bed if you don’t feel well. Don’t do anything just stay alive.’ This helped me a lot,” said Prakash about her husband. Because of Avi Prakash, she had the space to only work on getting better. That’s when her recovery started. “Love will not save you but it will hold your hand while you save yourself,” read one quote shared by Prakash on Twitter.
— Warrior Po (@_WarriorPo) February 14, 2023
Prakash took medicines for depression for more than three years. At one point, she felt they were not working. Along with mental troubles, she also felt physically weak. Together with her husband, Prakash decided that she would no longer take those medicines.
“Everyone’s body responds differently to depression. Medicines didn’t work for me, but that doesn’t mean everyone should leave their medication. There are a lot of people for whom medicines are very helpful. When I stopped taking them, it was very painful to get out of their withdrawal. After that, the therapy helped me a lot,” she said about her recovery.
On the days she felt good, she used to walk, do yoga, and swim. Self-care was a big step towards her recovery. She used to write in her journal: 1. Ate food 2. Talked to children. 3. Walk.
Slowly the number of things started adding up to ten tasks a day in the journal.
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Back to work with the D word
The road to recovery was a long one. By August 2016, Prakash had recovered from severe depression. In the year 2018, she was ready to return to work. During these two years, she wrote the book The D Word: A Survivor’s Guide to Depression published by Pan Macmillan and worked on her mental health. “In these two years, I did what I wanted to do. I wrote a book and gave talks about the book. Along with writing the book, a world of mental health opened for me,” she said.
Her first day back at work was like being born again and living a new life. She had lived out her black days. “When I went on leave from the job, I didn’t know whether I would come back or not. Initially, I was also anxious about whether I would be able to work or not but after joining again, I did not look back. I also did difficult postings during this time. I was also on deputation,” said Prakash who is currently holding two offices.
Even now, just waking up and going to work can seem like a Herculean task for her.
Last Monday she posted her picture and explained that Monday can be difficult for a bureaucrat too. “Mornings are particularly difficult when dealing with #depression. And then Monday mornings. Still trying to “get up, dress up, show up”. So far so good. It’s ok to not be ok.”
Mornings are particularly difficult when dealing with #depression. And then Monday mornings. Still trying to "get up, dress up, show up". So far so good. It's ok to not be ok. #TheDWord #ItsOkToNotBeOk #mentalhealth #ADHD pic.twitter.com/jqVDDNooXJ
— Shubhrata Prakash (@shubhrata_p) March 6, 2023
Last month she posted her photo on Instagram. “Joined new posts today. New offices, new responsibilities, new beginnings! Surviving #depression and doing what I can do,” her post read on Instagram.
Mental health advocacy
Shubhrata Prakash constantly writes about mental health on social media and makes people aware of good and bad practices. In the upcoming year, she wants to build a community for people who are suffering from depression or other mental health issues.
“Telling someone with #depression to stop crying is like telling someone with diarrhoea to stop going to the loo. Stop shaming people who have as little control over their mental state as they or others have over other bodily processes and/or physical illnesses,” Prakash wrote on Twitter.
Telling someone with #depression to stop crying is like telling someone with diarrhoea to stop going to the loo.
Stop shaming people who have as little control over their mental state as they or others have over other bodily processes and/or physical illnesses. #mentalhealth
— Shubhrata Prakash (@shubhrata_p) January 28, 2023
Her courage and candour is infectious. Others are speaking up too.
After seeing Shubhrata Prakash, a few more civil servants tried to open up about mental health. Civil servants want to keep their lives private but Prakash said that these issues are important to talk about.
Social gatherings, talking to people and celebration still frightens her. “I lost my parents last year. I think that’s when depression triggered again.”
Feeling anxious about Holi, Prakash said she wouldn’t celebrate it.
Views expressed by IRS officer Shubhrata Prakash are personal.
(Edited by Ratan Priya)