Somebody check on the self-identified nice guy. He’s weeping all over the internet, complaining about how women don’t want him. This is after subscribing to every little modern masculinity trend — reading Sally Rooney, carrying tote bags, peeling oranges, Blinkit-ing flowers, communicating. His Hinge bio literally says he listens to women. And he’s publicly offering his hoodie to any female stranger who would date him. What more could 21st-century women possibly want?
The role models of many nice Indian men — genius YouTubers who don’t know their elbow from their shin — have decided that we women want jerks. These champions of the manosphere preach ‘nice guys finish last’ in 2025 — a phrase that one man trying to beat another man in a baseball game said in 1940. It’s called “universal truth” in the Alpha dude (podcasters) community. Public figures such as singer and content creator Arpit Bala are coaching men on how not to become a simp. Naturally, the common display of manhood in online dating circles is just a man trying hard to be not nice. And if he chooses to behave otherwise, he expects an award for it.
A 24-year-old medical student was shocked to learn that “nice men” keep receipts — and will demand back every penny they’ve ever spent on you. She had to pay back Rs 16,000 for all five dates he took her on before she said he wasn’t her type. Dating is expensive, and apparently, so is rejecting a nice guy.
Nice guys vs bad boys
On one side of the internet, nice guys are being dragged through mud — diagnosed with childhood neglect, generational trauma, the whole Freudian buffet. Every influencer is selling a course, a podcast, or a protein powder on how to upgrade from Nice Guy to Alpha. Nice is needy. All his kindness is a loan that you never signed up for. Lee Hammock, one of the recovering narcissist influencers (yes, there are more), says that he also once considered himself a nice guy when he was actually toxic. Every other #niceguysyndrome tweet is guiding men to be good, not nice. Nobody told me guys are so big on adjectives. To think that an entire ecosystem is trying to train boys into how to be nice — the basic human trait. All this brouhaha over nice boys is because they are so rare to begin with. But women need to encourage this effort actually. After all, families and societies have been working on turning young girls into being nice women for centuries.
If this uproar is anything about what women want — let me clear one thing up. Between a nice guy and a bad boy, a lot of women just pick whoever plays his part better. The problem with nice men is they keep breaking character, slipping into rancid resentment. That makes them a shade more dangerous than the man who openly admits he hates women. At least the bad boy is a declared enemy — you know exactly what you’re signing up for. Plus, bad boys are emotionally unavailable, so it’s easier for avoidant attachment girlies.
It’s not so much a moral choice as a casting call. Some women want Ranbir Kapoor in Yeh Jawaani hai Deewani, others want Ayushmann Khurrana in Vicky Donor. Imtiaz Ali said he made the movie Jab Harry Met Sejal because he wanted to delve into the loneliness of a womaniser, bad boy played by Shah Rukh Khan. He ended up making him attractive. And it took a woman to rescue him.
That’s the thing about bad boys. Women think they can rescue and reform them. Call it their Mother Teresa complex. But it is the oldest civilisational trick played on women by literature and cinema. The tortured man who behaves badly needs a good woman to make it right. Remember the song from Qala that goes Bikharne ka mujhko shauq hai bada…
By contrast, nice guys are not asking to be rescued. But they can’t rescue either. So what do they actually bring to the table? They are capable of being a perfect foil, a drama-less backdrop for women.
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Propaganda?
Most women on the planet only want the nice, non-performative kind. The certified nice guy among my peers is someone who keeps his girlfriend’s picture inside his phone cover. Doesn’t call himself non-political on dating apps to play safe. He uses viral endearments like pasandida aurat. As long as he doesn’t send GPay requests post-breakup.
Most importantly, he doesn’t expect obedience in return for affection. “I’m so hungry I could eat a tall, chalant, gentle, kind-hearted, obsessive man,” wrote one woman and retweeted by many. Then who convinced all the nice guys that they’re unwanted? Maybe it was the red-pill propaganda. Or maybe it was women finally demanding men who don’t need a certificate for basic decency.
As a female frequenter at the nice guy convention, I’m immune to their manipulation. Guilt-tripping me into dating you? Dummy, that’s my thing. I’m a woman.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
Views are personal. The author tweets @ratanpriya4.
(Edited by Aamaan Alam Khan)