This will be my lucky year—like the many years before and the many years after this. There is a shower of dollars from left, right, and centre. When I say he who dares wins, I mean winning the sale of the Pakistan International Airlines for Fauji Foundation and winning the billion-dollar defence deals with Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Libya, and Sudan. Pakistan is my oyster. From Fauji corn flakes, cereals, butter, custard, and meat to fertilizer, cement, banks, oil, real estate, and what not. You name it and your favourite General owns it.
To add latest to my list of endeavours, the Gaza dollar minting peace project, I am coming with my very own DHAs (Defence Housing Authorities). All in the name and spirit of Muslim brotherhood. DHA Israel might be next, and why not? With Trump by my side, I rise and rise. Trump expects me to wipe out Hamas, Hezbollah, and other threats in the Middle East. Our armed forces by the grace of Allah are always ready to be rented at a right price, at a right time, to a right client. I can recite a verse from the Quran to prove my point, but you get the drift my fellow countrymen, don’t you?
I am chilling out at the Davos World Economic Forum meeting in Switzerland just for you, my Pakistanis. I’d prefer eating roasted nuts and Netflix, but I travel far and wide for no rhyme or reason. Otherwise at Davos, you won’t find any army chief of the world, let alone in a bulletproof jacket. I don’t know if it is a moment of pride or shame for a military whose GOAT chief is yours truly. You might dislike my harm but you can’t resist my charm. That’s how I influenced Donald Trump to successfully invade Venezuela and kidnap President Nicolás Maduro and his wife. Iran and Khamenei beware, you could be next. For Trump, Pakistan is already a greener land if not Greenland. Look at my crypto deal with the Trump family; soon Pakistan will overtake India’s economy and become the Asian Tiger it always was destined to be. Crypto, the naysayers say, is haram. But I say everything money-spinning is halal in love and Pakistan.
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I’m the real king of Lyari
As I celebrate the 79th year of a proud tradition of the Pakistan Army kidnapping prime ministers and presidents, under my wings, Trump learned how to abduct peacefully yet gleefully. I share my tricks with my new BFFs all the time. I have shared Pakistan Army’s infamous secret of using dirty videos against politicians, judges, journalists, or even my own officers. So if Khamenei resists surrender, Trump can threaten him with his own scandalous tapes.
I am Trump’s favourite field marshal and ten other things of the third most handsome men in the world. It is for this handsomeness that Saudi Arabia bestowed on me the King Abdulaziz Medal of Excellent Class. Brain drain from Pakistan is a hoax my friends, I call brains leaving Pakistan as my gain. The lesser the brains here, the more positions and titles for me to hold.
I hear, on the Republic Day parade, India plans to show off its Rafale jets. I only laugh at the irony that India was supposedly beaten in May 2025 by us and that too with our Chinese JF-17 and J-10. It was better to stick with Border 2 this year—at least Sonu Nigam and others singing on INS Vikrant had better expressions than Varun Dhawan’s crooked smirk throughout the film. Staying on films, Dhurandhar was a nice try by India to paint Pakistan evil. But let me tell you, there was no shock and wow element as everyone knows who we are. The real king of Lyari is not Akshay Khanna, it is me.
This wedding season has been hard on your General, my friends, and not because I had to match up the Mukesh Ambani or Nawaz Sharif-like wedding extravaganza. But because I also married off my daughter to my nephew. It was all-in-the-family kind of a settlement. Don’t be surprised, these things happen all the time in Pakistan and no one even takes note. I have no complaints about the arrangement, as long as I didn’t have to marry her off to Ranveer Singh in part 2 of Dhurandhar.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the author will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Prasanna Bachchhav)