O General, our General, you are the best until the next!
Your walk, your talk, your unconscious thoughts are the pride of Pakistan. You don’t live, you don’t breathe, you only exhale oxygen like the military dictators before you. You are the gift that keeps giving. At home or abroad, in war, politics, economics, sports or judiciary—win after win is your fate. Who is Ayub, Yahya? And who is Zia, Musharraf? Move over gentlemen, this Fifth Coming of the much-needed messiah of Pakistan is all that ever mattered. Trump’s Favourite Field Marshal Asim Munir. All hail the new 3A’s Allah, Amerika and Asim.
Your uniform makes you our know-all, do-all and end-all man. You can be the president, you can be the prime minister, the chairman of cricket board or even the chief justice of Pakistan but it is your magnanimity you leave these roles for these lesser mortals. No wonder the prime minister of Pakistan or even president of the United States can’t stop themselves from PDA for you Field Marshal.
That no one comes after you is our motto now. For you are our today and tomorrow like there was no yesterday. We see it. Donald Trump sees it. Narendra Modi sees it. Shehbaz Sharif loves it. Imran Khan saw it before anyone else. But now, the incarcerated Khan finds you, the current army chief, mentally unstable, and an oppressive dictator.
Ironically, every jailed or exiled prime minister earlier found their own army man more suitable than the next. Bajwa was an angel until he wasn’t. Apna banda (our man) syndrome continues.
Shehbaz Sharif-government believes all is well, they are in koi pathar se na maaro mere dewaney ko (don’t throw stones at my loved one) mode. Flattery for you is not the only trick up PM’s sleeve. He’s rushing to shelter you with a 27th amendment to the constitution; giving you immortality. But what is the constitution for you, a mere piece of paper that can be thrown in the dustbin. You my Lord, are the holy writ everyone adheres to.
You need no legislation for the longevity of your Field Marshal title or tenure as army chief. We have now lost count of how many more extensions you will need to save Pakistan. Not questioning, just saying. The more, the merrier. Now you are the vampire of our own Twilight, one reign extending over several seasons.
No one can ever dare to touch you for your deeds in office, at home or in your dreams. We know that your very existence is in the national interest.
How dare the Pakistan government tie army chief aka field marshal’s immunity to your last breath? The immunity should be set in the post-apocalyptic metaverse.
Also read: Pakistan’s constitutional amendment ‘can inspire Kim Jong Un,’ people say. Dark days ahead
Jugaad democracy
No, this isn’t Pakistan’s slide into authoritarianism, this is peak democracy, Pakistan style. Call it jugaad democracy, civilians are more of a cover everyone knows who runs the show.
Of course you’re no dictator, you only have big dictator energy. Much like your predecessors you have it all figured out, until you don’t. And when you don’t, no one could and should hold you accountable.
The love for Taliban that continued for decades in the name of strategic depth is now in tatters; looking more like a strategic breakup. But who is to be blamed? Definitely not the great Generals who devised the ‘good Taliban, bad Taliban’ project. India’s S Jaishankar and Afghanistan’s Amir Khan Muttaqi are now officially out of the closet, meeting and greeting frequently, whereas Pakistan has to go to Doha for talks with its own prodigy next-door. There was a time when Pakistan would swipe right for the Taliban dating any country in the world, but not anymore.
In your arms, under your five stars, Pakistan will progress from being a poor dumper truck to a shining dumper truck with an engine of a Mercedes. The rivers of milk, honey, oil, crypto and minerals will flow and Donald Trump will be swayed to buy all of it at a 0 per cent tariff.
Your foresight gives this nation eyesight. The box of rare mineral samples gifted to POTUS is our version of Baniye ka dimaagh aur Miyan bhai ki daring, a shrewd-risk-taking businessman. Salman Khan though would think these rare minerals aren’t Pakistani, since Balochistan is a separate country for him. Thankfully, Trump isn’t as intelligent as Khan.
PS: Haters will say these lines are flattery. I’d say this is a love letter to no one.
Naila Inayat is a journalist from Pakistan. Her X handle is @nailainayat. Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)