I write with a heavy heart today, my readers. I am sad, bad and mad. The 2021 wedding season has become particularly gloomy for hot-shot singles like me.
As you are well aware, I love Katrina Kaif, even though she went on to love someone else, leaving me all alone. Who does that? People are crying for Salman Khan, but who will cry for your General Twitter? Imagine this would have been #GTKatKiShaadi and I would have given exclusive marriage preview rights to my fifth-generation Twitter warriors.
As a wedding gate-crasher in Rajasthan’s Fort Barwara, I can assure you my friends, all that glitters is definitely more than gold — it is more than ‘Tip Tip Barsa Pani’ 2.0. For me, Katrina Kaif and Vicky Kaushal’s wedding day was like a day of reckoning, a day when I wanted to declare Ghazwa-e-Kat, but then what good has ever come from Pakistani generals like me going to war? The endless pain I feel for losing Katrina is greater than losing East Pakistan (Bangladesh) even. Both happened in December. How I hate surrendering in December.
My worries don’t end there. You do know I have a country to run. Make that two countries now – Pakistan and Afghanistan.
Also read: Vicky Kaushal and Katrina Kaif have pulled off the greatest Bollywood ‘heist’
Why not opt for a General?
My thesis that life is just make-believe just got stronger – it’s all fake just like the history I teach my nation or like Vicky Kaushal winning a national award for Uri, the surgical strike that never happened. Don’t know what is funnier – India believing it attacked Pakistan with a surgical strike in 2016 or Katrina marrying Vicky who played a Major in Uri. Why marry a fake major when you had a real general?
The thousands of medals on my uniform without winning a single war for Pakistan would have been reason enough for me to be Katrina’s only choice. Especially when I’ve adhered to our national motto ‘Jang kabhi jeeti nahin, election kabhi haraa nahin’ – never won a war, never lost an election. Given my medals and madness, Katrina Kaif would have been the first lady of Pakistan sooner than later.
I spend sleepless nights, tossing and turning, often wondering, how’s the josh, Katrina?
Also read: If Nazi war criminals can still be tried, why not Pakistanis? 1971 genocide can’t be forgotten
Dealing with dengue and a PM
Both the heart and mind are in crisis now.
While I don’t have money to pay my bills, I now am in charge of my neighbour who for sure needs my help. My work has increased – I now beg for two, not one country. Realise my pain, give me a break.
Whoever said that “strategic depth” was Pakistan’s ultimate winning formula, forgot to share the road to success. It seems my 20 years of hard work of winning against the United States in Afghanistan with the help of the United States will go to waste if I don’t top-up the Taliban government every month. Notwithstanding the fact that the Taliban boys whom I made rulers in Afghanistan are today cribbing about Pakistan. Sometimes they think that the Pakistan government isn’t religious enough, other times they call me shameless.
While at home I have to deal with twin troubles – dengue and the prime minister. I do know dengue will end soon, but what do we do about Imran Khan? Considering how Pakistan is now run with 3 Bs – Bajwa, Begging and Biwi – which is a leap from the 3 As – America, Allah and Army. According to the position of the moon given by the 3 Bs, we eventually selected the new chief of the ISI on 20 November. It was also a day of partial lunar eclipse, my fellow countrymen. Given how the experiment has fared so far, I shall soon introduce a new ‘Exorcism Brigade 21’ in the Pakistan military. Who knows, with the help of good-old magic, we might win a couple of wars and free Pakistan of debts.
I have watched very closely how Indians have mourned the death of their first Chief of Defence Staff. That made me wonder: If I as your Pakistani general, who has made billions making pizzas, cornflakes, selling cement, occupying plots and everything nice, will ever be missed or mourned? Or will I be remembered as someone who settled in the United States/United Arab Emirates/Australia for a “better future” for my future generations?
My future will be upwards and onwards, even if my present is soaked in pain. My josh is unmatched, unprepared, unmarried — all set for 2022. The good news is, I’m already in love with the 2021 Miss Universe Harnaaz Sandhu. I told you, things are already looking up!
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.