My comrades often told me that I am a man of few words. I was hired as the Army Chief and have now become Pakistan’s second–only Field Marshal because of this very quality of keeping my trap shut. I also believed I was suave until I read the headlines running worldwide with my brainy quotes.
Like the rest of the world, I have now discovered my hidden talent of ‘Gensplaining’. But it’s definitely not mansplaining, for I am a true feminist at heart. You, my friends, write nonsense on social media, but my gift to myself is to be a national nuisance. That’s why I gifted myself Hilal-e-Jurat on this Independence Day, just to honour my achievements in the recent war against India.
When I speak, the world listens, even though no one at home gives two hoots about my great talk. But who cares when you have the attention of the most powerful man in the world—not Elon Musk, it’s Donald Trump, stupid!
Pakistan’s ‘Exterminator’
It was the US President who understood things I never said. Like when I said water, he heard Diet Coke. I said India, he heard Iran. I said dollars, he thought I was promising him a deal. Call it a matter of priorities. In my now infamous lunch with Trump, I promised to help him win a Nobel Peace Prize. I also invited Trump to Pakistan, though all he wanted was a Big Mac from McDonald’s. I agreed to this lunch treat from me only if Trump paid for it. There are no free lunches with Pakistan’s Sipah Salar.
Today, people envy my oozing confidence with which I threaten the world of extinction if anyone dares to cast an evil eye on Pakistan. For I do believe that our Islamic bomb isn’t for roadside exhibition only. There is no shame in giving nuclear threats, my countrymen, I am your very own The Exterminator. India knows that. Narendera Modi knows that. Now even Mukesh Ambani knows it. I sent Ambani a flirtatious threat garbed in a tweet. You know my flamboyance, my friends; I couldn’t stop myself from boasting that it was your beloved General X behind the threat.
Let me share a national secret with you: I have a special undercover team working to steal Mrs Ambani’s green emerald necklace. That green necklace alone can pay off Pakistan’s IMF loans and, in the process, clear my path to world domination.
Also read: Give Trump a Nobel already. He has united Modi, Xi and Putin
East or west, I’m the best
I promise to attack everywhere and anywhere in India, notwithstanding that our missiles reach nowhere. When I threaten to attack India’s East, all I mean is east or west, I’m the best. India’s Shekhar Gupta is warning Indians of how Operation Sindoor hasn’t deterred me. Beware, you all, your General is shaken, not stirred. I am already planning the next and the very next move to destroy India. That’s the stuff dreams are made of.
The two-nation theory also meant we don’t have the same dreams as Indians. I am not dreaming of educating Pakistanis or them becoming Google or Microsoft CEOs. My greatest wish is martyrdom. Why else do you think I am likening India to a shiny new Mercedes and Pakistan to a dumper truck? I am that dumber truck which is best suited for suicide attacks. Scratch the surface and you’ll find a suicide bomber beneath the uniform of yours truly, the five-star general.
Plotting and planning against India is not all I do. I also have to run the country, drain water from housing societies, and even give directions to the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Even on international trips, I can’t leave the PM on his own, for he knows not as much as I do about which Quranic verses should be recited. I wore a formal suit in China not to gel in with the crowd, but on the orders of DG ISPR—he urgently wanted my thirst traps for the next war. This is my selfless dedication to this nation.
Those rumourmongering over my interest in becoming the next President of Pakistan, why become president when you can enjoy all powers with no accountability? That’s my kind of dictatorship. People like to compare me with Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong Un. It’s unfair to the three idiots, for they have miles to go before they become Munir. Now, if you would excuse me, I have to go annihilate the world.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the author will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.