How do you drop the F-bomb—feminism—on your date? It’s a delicate subject to poke among a generation of men radicalised by Elon Musk, Sandeep Reddy Vanga, and Andrew Tate. Strategising for a happy ending, they don’t reveal their hatred for women on the first date. They know all the smart lines—“Taylor Swift is so cool”, “I have a sister”, “I love bossy women”.
To really expose them, the feminist viva has to be slicker, and subtler. It’s like sneaking spinach into a toddler’s pasta.
Now, this is not an advice column but I know a thing or two about catching an undercover misogynist. Here’s a tried and tested guide. Tread nonchalantly.
1. The popcorn test
Fall back on pop culture references as a secret litmus test. Does he think Barney Stinson’s dating playbook is legendary? Red flag. Barbie is “anti-men”? Bye-bye. Are Kabir Singh and Animal love stories? Run. Ask him about his favourite item song. If he has one, he’s not the one.
2. The MRA MRI
The MRI to look for MRA (men’s rights activism) tumours is my favourite test. Ask him this: “Men have it hard too, right?”
If a man nods too eagerly in answer, I know I am about to hear a TED talk on the struggles of a “victim of modern feminism”. His exes are all “gold-diggers”, his women colleagues “bimbos”, and his elder sister? A traitor—she got married and won two ancestral homes. And just like that, the can of worms is open.
Go for flaming topics—like the death of Atul Subhash. Women started casually bringing it up with their dates and boyfriends, and just like that, sanskari supremacists were tumbling out of the closet. Best to keep them out of your bedroom (and your life).
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3. The funny bone test
What tickles his funny bone, and where is it? Ask him about his favourite comedians and see if he names the sexist ones. Are any of them women? Throw your sickest male pattern baldness jokes at him and see if he’s a sport about it.
In 2021, stand-up comedian Yang Li (famous for her sharp mockery of men) became a wrecking ball for relationships in China. Women started mentioning her to their boyfriends. Since nothing hurts the male ego more than a well-placed joke, the result was an epidemic of Chinese breakups.
4. Take him on a test drive
What a man thinks about women drivers is the lowest-hanging fruit. Whether in the back of an Uber or in the driver’s seat, a woman-hater can’t keep this opinion to himself.
A Gurugram girlie was told that the word ‘feminist’ discredits a man’s feelings on such a drive. When her data analyst date started his “women are such terrible drivers” rant, she joked, “Wow, that’s so feminist of you.”
The man immediately became uncomfortable and went, “There’s that word, again. Why do we all have to love and respect women? What about a man’s feelings?” In his defence, he’s not totally against equality because he loves splitting the bill.
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5. The all-conquering tampon test
An ally won’t squirm in his chair at the mention of menstruation. Does he know what a tampon is? Has he bought sanitary pads for women in his life? Maybe fake a period cramp and see how he reacts to it. If he gets uncomfortable or says things like “lady problems”, wrap him in a black polythene bag and return to sender. There’s a little nuance to this test—men acting shy is workable, but repulsed is undateable.
Obviously, if the Hinge boy passes all these tests on the first date, he can still turn out to be a patriarchy enthusiast. So, test the misogynist waters (dating straight men in general) at your own risk.
It’s good that extremists don’t believe in hiding their emotional truths, they’re too proud. Once, I simply asked a date to not trash-talk his ex in front of me, and he told me that I was “pulling a feminist” on him. As if it’s some kind of radical witchcraft. Another man—a one-month-old boyfriend—accused me of “playing the woman card” because I said I felt unsafe in his company. It’s brutal out here, and a feminist ally among straight men is an endangered species.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Prasanna Bachchhav)
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