Mere aziz humwatano, I write to you on the heels of winning yet another historical war against my favourite enemy, India. A war that made me crown myself as Pakistan’s Field Marshal. And you all thought it was only martial laws that we men in uniform run after. I have only one person to thank for this great bookmark in my life and no that’s not Allah; that’s you Narendra Modi. While I remained a footnote of sorts in the internal politics of Pakistan, in the aftermath of this four-day conflict, it seems, Modi showered me with not two or three but five stars. Thank you, Modi, for boosting my career. I hope to officially meet you soon at Babri mosque as the next King of Pakistan.
It turns out in Pakistan, one can fail at any kind of war with India and yet win accolades. General Pervez Musharraf lost the 1999 Kargil War, yet became president. General Ayub Khan was also the only other gem who lost the 1965 War to India as a Field Marshal. I guess he’d be proud of me today.
Sixty years on, I did press conferences for four days and became Field Marshal in the end—quite unlike India, where a General has to win an actual war and create another country to become Field Marshal. Poor Sam Manekshaw, he had to do so much work for nothing, really. It is for this reason I thank Allah for the two-nation theory.
Also read: Give Asim Munir more power, say Pakistanis. Field Marshal rank isn’t enough
Sleep through war, still win
As I write to you, I am polishing my new medal. I had kept it safe in my shoe box so that I could pin it whenever I decided it was the right time. After 11 bases coming under missile and drone attack, the time was right for a new medal, a new title, and a salary bump. There has to be a cost for my bravery and you, my nation, will pay it. Reports of me hiding in a bunker are greatly exaggerated, especially as India bombed the Nur Khan base. It is a smear campaign spread by India. How could I have hidden in a bunker when I was taking some shut-eye time? Feel for your new Field Marshal, my nation. I am 57 years old and I need my beauty sleep even during a war. I might be a few years younger than SRK, but I am no Jawan.
India should remember that this is not the Pakistan of 1971; we won’t leave our 93,000 pants to save half of a country. Now, even pants are expensive, and the country is not worth the trouble.
I might have been unpopular in Pakistan, but that never dampened my political ambitions. I kept calm and went after everyone working against me. That’s why Imran Khan and his associates are languishing in jail. Who cares about popularity when you are the mighty chief of Pakistan Army? These trivial issues are for lesser beings like bloody civilians. Now, I am the most popular army chief in the history of Pakistan. Don’t trust me? Ask Shahid Afridi, who bit my neck lovingly. I had to warn him about public display of affection—this is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, after all.
Never did I doubt my ability to come out victorious in this battle of ‘made in China’ versus ‘made in Russia, France and India’. But you, my lovely readers, had your hearts in your mouth for a moment there. That’s why I always tell you to sleep before 12 am because the buzdil dushman (coward enemy) always attacks in raat ki tareeki (the darkness of night).
I want to cut all the noise around our hits and our misses. To the people asking me for proof, I say don’t ask what we hit, ask what we didn’t hit. Now that would be nothing and everything. Use your imagination when talking about wars in Pakistan. If I claim that I downed six Indian Rafale jets, be assured these were actually 600 jets in total that I was shooting down, but then I woke up abruptly. I only blame India for this discrepancy.
With this conflict, I have also given a befitting response to the critics of Pakistan military who would say that this house, butter, jam, cornflakes, cereal, frozen vegetables-making army could neither fight nor win wars. This win of mine is a slap in their faces because now I plan to take Defence Housing Authorities all over India, which can be followed by my food and farming businesses. Ambanis, be ready. See how in every war, there is a silver lining.
India lies when it says that it was targeting terrorist infrastructure in Bahawalpur and Muridke. They should know that those Masood Azhars or Hafiz Saeeds whom it is trying to find are safe with me at the General Headquarters in Rawalpindi. But I am unsafe now. About time I relocated GHQ too. Maybe shifting house to India will prevent me from coming under attack. India, I’m coming.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Zoya Bhatti)