We don’t break up as much as we should. For a generation obsessed with self-care, we’re astonishingly committed to self-sabotage. The modern lovers have an exhaustive list of icks—yawning, snoring, breathing, existing—but somehow still spend years trying to fix the unfixables in their partner. Is it not wild that we end up making someone the sun of our universe while knowing full well we’re just a side quest in theirs? So much for all the boundary setting and red flag cataloguing.
In the museum of modern breakups, exhibits are red flags—so obvious that they glow in the dark, and are still ignored by one or more people involved. Women, with their sixth sense, aka female intuition, keep hearing an internal announcement: “Leave this man.” And we hit snooze every time. We finally break up when the man’s second secret girlfriend reveals herself on Instagram DMs. And sometimes not even then. We are change-making goddesses, each with overestimated powers to spruce up anybody’s son into ‘the one’. And we really try.
Imagine two people walking on eggshells, making the journey of a “long-term relationship” and hating each other more at every step, having nothing to talk about. On a random day, this couple will post a selfie with the caption, “lobsters mate for life.” There’s no logic behind why we do it, but there are too many explanations. Fear of being mateless in the ongoing romance recession is an obvious one. Why end things with a once-a-week part-time boyfriend—who makes fun of your weight in public—to return to Hinge Hunger Games? Self-esteem circulation in our world is not very fair.
Another big bummer is hope—it makes you do crazy things like doing your boyfriend’s homework in a bar. The now-rescued girlfriend—who actually did the college drummer’s homework—has filed it in her life’s most hair-cringing moments.
Humiliation rituals
Different things push people to the edge of a relationship’s end before they recoil and still make it work. Girlies from the Grapevine say they have stayed through hell waiting for better days. One Delhi girl, routinely emotionally abused, was made to follow her ex’s strict intimacy schedule—it’s a calendar-pinned event every Saturday afternoon. Rumour has it that she is still seeing him. Another thing I’ve been told is that people wait for their partners to cheat because then it’s easier to take a stand for themselves. Those who forgave and pretended to forget regret to tell the tale.
A 30-year-old Delhi boy knew it was time to pack up when his girlfriend couldn’t stop hating on his friends, sister, and mother. From his freelance career choice to his vegetarian diet—everything ticked her off. Talking to her became a daily humiliation ritual; he’d spend the whole day dreading their mandatory FaceTime hour and dodging any conversation that could lead to a date. In short, the man was dating his scary manager—he didn’t dare to resign.
Men also say they often become accessories in their girlfriend’s heavily curated social circles—human chauffeurs who drive them around but aren’t allowed to participate in conversations. It usually ends badly, but the guilt of wanting to break up keeps them trapped like decorative props.
Also read: Moon madness has taken over modern dating. A waning crescent is the best time to ghost
When to have The Talk
How do we stop overstaying our welcome in the commitment land? “It’s when you first think of breaking up with them. The clock starts ticking after that,” said a Noida-based woman with enough girlfriend experience. Experts also warn against staying with insecure people—you don’t want your partner getting all moppy about your success. And there’s no reason to stretch things with someone who doesn’t charge your desire–meter. A friend also told me it’s completely fair to break up with someone who refuses to fix their snoring, even after knowing it’s destroying your sleep cycle. The real problem is often deeper, or louder, in this case.
Not sure if this is a politically correct breakup reason, but being completely unrepresented on your partner’s social media does warrant The Talk. Nobody is expecting a hard launch—just proof you’re not imaginary.
The gossip channels introduced me to a hip new category of people—those who can’t stay single while they wait for the love of their life to find them. So they run the tight ship of placeholder relationships with strategically rationed bare minimums. Texting once a day, meeting once a week, and posting online about it once a year—think birthdays. Call it chalta hai companionship. Players of this game don’t feel too proud in hindsight. Turns out, breaking up is the quality control. Someone has to do it.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
Views are personal. The author tweets @ratanpriya4.
(Edited by Prasanna Bachchhav)