I think it was Dutch priest Henri Nouwen who said, “Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering.” It has nothing to do with your situationship, who only hits you up at midnight, and otherwise pretends to be busier than the prime minister. No matter how much we try to attach dramatic value to our delusions, suffering in love doesn’t mean being insulted by your lover. “Leave at the first sign of disrespect” has become modern dating’s repeated advice. Apparently, it never gets better after that first time.
Is it a bit too extreme? Of course not, if we’re talking about abuse of any kind. For everything else, therapists and relationship veterans suggest communication.
“It’s foolish to end things because of one incident; you’ve got to give people a chance to repair,” one doctor said.
I understood it better when someone on Reddit said, “By that logic, why don’t you chop your arm off at the first sign of blood?”
As someone with a flexible tolerance, I define disrespect depending on the vibes. I once ghosted a Hinge match who showed up drunk for our coffee date. And blocked another guy who didn’t reply to my messages for 12 hours. Haters would say that this is why I am still single, and they won’t be wrong. In a bad mood and with a god complex, every discomfort can feel like disrespect. But then I have also been the woman who was yelled at by her boyfriend at her personal Disneyland — a Lakeforest liquor store in Gurugram. His friends awkwardly filled their shopping carts with Budweiser and Black Dog bottles as I swallowed my tears. I didn’t leave and kept getting yelled at for years, like a loser in love.
Also Read: Everyone’s ‘damaged’ in modern dating. Love will soon be called a mental illness
Defining disrespect
The lines get blurry about what disrespect really is. Mix it up with a dash of self-loathing and nothing feels too insulting to break up.
Jokes, for example, can get confusing. Uncles and aunties pretend not to make it an issue. I’ve seen them obliterate each other at family gatherings for a few laughs, get pissed secretly, and then stand at a clear distance for group photos. The next day, everything gets back to regular business. The nibbas and nibbis raised by these uncles and aunties are not so tolerant. And rightly so.
One Delhi-based author was having a nice time with a researcher dude at Blue Tokai. They were meeting after two weeks of a fairly romantic talking stage. He had been sending her pictures of flowers every morning. It was the kind of date two people can’t wait to leave together and explore each other at a second location. But like throwing cold water at a bonfire, the dude cracked a “joke” as soon as they got up, “Your chair is finally feeling relief. Look, it was under so much burden.” No matter how creative you get about it, fatshaming jokes are not for first dates.
Furious and a little bummed, the author booked a Rapido and left.
Maybe this is exactly when we should bolt — because I also know people who get so used to their partners’ digs about their bodies that they start feeling ugly. Some have also seriously considered getting surgeries done. Wouldn’t it be less expensive to just break up?
I’ve been told another clear sign is if someone repeatedly cuts you off while talking. Someone who constantly tries to tell how you should feel, and doesn’t validate how you actually feel. Finishing each other’s sentences is only romantic with consent.
A Delhi-based boy told me that if your partner talks rudely about your parents the first time, they will do it again. Best to say “tata-bye-bye” before things get worse.
One hot take is that whoever tolerates disrespect in a relationship is just scared of being single. It makes sense because the dating pool is a puddle, and you can’t blame someone for thinking there’s nobody better waiting for them.
Influencers on Instagram insist that recognising the first sign of disrespect is self-love. They also say that “waiting for things to get better” is a trait of a people-pleaser. Dude bros tweet motivational quotes for their fellow men: “No matter how hot she is, dump her when she disrespects you.” And women, well, they often don’t even need the guy to be hot to tolerate his insults. It’s centuries of conditioning.
But as a wise woman told me, “Do not tolerate the same disrespect twice.” I propose we print it on t-shirts.
Views are personal.