Dodging landlords, parents, and bored RWA uncles, couples are taking on the live-in challenge. Some become siblings on rent agreements, others cosplay as husband and wife at society events. Lesbians and gays can just call each other friends in front of brokers. This is India, my friend. It is like that only.
Search the internet with three keywords — live-in relationship India — and all you get at the top are fridge-cold murders, Uttarakhand Uniform Civil Code, and too many links of patronising court orders. Then come the colourful subreddits, which prove that the reality is far less grim. From Bengaluru to Bhopal, jugaad is the name of the game, and Gen Z is pretty good at it. Besides, how exactly is the state supposed to know who’s living with whom — and how many others? I only have a blurry childhood memory of the census and I am not sure if those forms pose such questions.
My generation also grew up watching how white people do it in American TV shows and movies. Lovers first clear up a drawer for their significant other, then share a copy of the house key, and finally bring in the boxes, move in together and start posing for slow-mo shots at the kitchen counter. At home, this story arc requires each character to be very, very good at lying.
A 27-year-old media professional in Bengaluru, who is now married to her ex-live-in partner, still hasn’t told her parents. “And they can never know,” she said. For more than two years, she maintained a separate PG room just for surprise parental inspections. She spent over a lakh for a place she barely slept in. Sometimes, living life on your own terms is that expensive.
I assumed that to be able to pull this risky move, she must have dated the guy for a long time. But no, she moved in after only three months of seeing him. “I already knew he was going to be my person,” she said. Luckily, the only problematic thing she discovered about him while cohabitating was that he loves Bigg Boss. “I am currently trying to ban the show in this house, so we’ll see how that goes,” she said.
Another leap of faith was recently taken by a Delhi girl in Boston. After passing the long-distance test with her partner (whom she met on Hinge a couple of years ago), she is now living with him. Whether it’s cooking or cleaning, the couple has a made-up song for every chore. Romance is bubbling at all times, and it feels more real than ever.
Compatibility and cohabitation
According to Kareena Kapoor Khan, for most modern couples, live-in is the happily ever after — right up until they decide to have children. Then you have to have a wedding, she said. Another reason celebrity live-in couples get married is to feature on the Architectural Digest cover. It’s my hunch, I can’t prove it.
In the less glamorous side of India, the marriage-minded treat live-in relationships as a test run. My grandmother, who spends an awful amount of time scrolling Facebook, was recently telling me to first live with a guy to “get to know him” before the wedding. Apart from the non-negotiable end goal, she does make sense. Couples find out so much about each other by living under the same roof. One guy I cohabited with used to wake up at 2 am to clean his shoes. Apparently, he couldn’t sleep without doing it. Another friend found out that his girlfriend was a repeat offender when it comes to clogging the toilet. Too much was spent on paying plumbers every week.
The cohabitants discover a whole new category of conflicts. Imagine fighting over warm light and white light. If one wants the windows to be open, the other wants them shut. And there are two kinds of people in the world, those who squeeze toothpaste from the middle and those who push from the end — both cannot live together peacefully.
When a journalist friend moved in with her partner, she found they both had very different belief systems when it came to laundry. According to her, the owner of the clothes should check the pockets before putting them in the basket. And her romantic roommate thinks whoever is putting the clothes in the machine should check it. Is it a silly domestic squabble or a relationship dealbreaker? Depends on your tolerance.
Also read: Harmlessly mean is the new flirting strategy. It comes in 2 flavours—negging & rage-baiting
Space and faultlines
Two worlds (multiple in case of the polyamorous gang) join in a 2BHK — sometimes, the clattering of utensils is too loud. A Noida-based techie broke up with his live-in girlfriend because she couldn’t get behind his packed social life. He would come late after parties, and she would always get mad. “I couldn’t have miya-biwi fights with her,” he said.
Clearly, there are many ways this can go wrong. If not a breakup, there’s clearly a risk of slow, silent death of romance under the weight of household logistics. Homeowners letting their partners move in tend to question: if not rent, then what exactly are you bringing to the table?
People who prefer Living Apart Together relationships talk about space a lot. The thought of watching someone forever planted in their living room is triggering. My friend in Pune has made it clear to her boyfriend that he must go to his place on Sunday night — she needs her sleep and space to prepare for the dreadful Monday.
There’s another reason people don’t do live-in relationships in India. A Delhi boy I spoke to sees the whole thing as litigious. He is convinced that if he lives with a woman for more than six months, she will automatically gain the right to drag him to court. Which begs the obvious question — what exactly is he planning to do to her?
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Aamaan Alam Khan)