Did you know the parts of our brain that feel anger sit alarmingly close to the ones that feel love? It explains why rage-baiting and negging are oddly effective. Apparently, one way to make a place in someone’s heart is to get under their skin. Say something mildly offensive, pretend to do the exact opposite they asked you to, pick a fight, rile them up to test the chemistry—call it flirting.
Does it work? As a jester in the court of modern romance, I am merely reporting from the frontlines, but unfortunately, it does. Just because we hate being egged on doesn’t mean we don’t fall for it.
Negging—where someone gives you a backhanded compliment to undermine your confidence and gain attention, control, and romantic interest—is too common a tactic. When my uncle gets in one of his romantic moods, he makes fun of my aunt’s outfits, her hair, and her cooking skills. To everybody’s surprise, she eventually starts giggling. She knows exactly what he’s doing. You think it works on her because she’s a late-stage millennial who doesn’t know that Gen Z has long ‘cancelled’ this behaviour? Nope.
First of all, 20-somethings who call out negging aren’t unaware of its charm. ‘In Defence of Negging’, Magdalene J Taylor wrote in The Cut, “You can’t perform a roast without knowing your subject. To be negged, in other words, is to be seen.”
We only reject this ploy when it’s attempted by men who do it badly. (I’m not here to teach tricks, so I won’t be explaining what ‘badly’ looks like.) Most people can tell the difference between someone being harmlessly mean and someone who simply enjoys tearing down another person’s self-esteem.
Also read: What women want—a man who cooks and doesn’t seek a standing ovation for it
A twisted love language
Now, we also have rage-baiting—a term initially used to explain online behaviour when someone would deliberately post polarising stuff so that people would comment on it. It’s seeped into the dating territory as well. Girlfriends post videos of them rage-baiting their boyfriends by telling them, “At what point do you think you’ll go for a hair transplant?” Hair is as touchy a subject for men as it is for women.
Take dating app chats. Imagine talking to a stranger who starts waxing poetic about your beauty and intellect in the first chat itself. That’s love-bombing 101—fake affection. When my friend first started talking to her now-boyfriend, they had a heated argument about Coldplay. He clocked very quickly that she loves the band, so he was intentionally trashing it. That’s rage-baiting—maddeningly effective.
Another case in point: My married friend and her husband, who is always late. One evening, she was on the phone with him, firmly, politely, and desperately asking him to be on time. Instead of reassuring her, he began narrating an elaborate work of fiction. First, he said, he might wander around aimlessly. Then maybe stop at another location entirely. Then—eventually—he’d head to where they were actually supposed to meet.
She was livid. He was laughing. Of course, he wasn’t actually running late. He just wanted to watch her lose it. Twisted, yes. But it’s as true as love comes.
Rage-baiting is definitely a love language for some people. It’s also an ick for some of my girlfriends. One of them, who once broke up with a guy who wouldn’t stop clapping hard at a comedy show, unmatches every guy on Hinge who jokes about her height.
“I know this type, it starts with ‘oh, you’re so tiny, haha’ and then they just find other things to joke about. It’s like they can’t talk without making fun of something or the other,” she said.
Well, maybe the key to rage-baiting right is to know the other person’s insecurities and not attack them for fun. And if you’re dealing with someone with a short fuse—like moi—try it at your own peril.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)