Just as some were gearing up to “free Palestine” by banning KFC, angry winds from the eastern neighbourhood flipped Pakistan’s mood to “war till victory”. Yes, now it’s not just Kashmir that must be freed from India—Ghazwa-e-Hind dreams are back in circulation. This time, India has to be freed from Modi himself.
That’s the national consensus of the week. Palestine can wait and make do with a weekend nationwide strike, during which Pakistan shut shop to “save” Palestinians—don’t ask how. KFC, too, can rest for now. But what’s not resting is the idea of that next world war, living rent-free in everyone’s head.
Trigger-happy vibes
Since the Pahalgam terror attack, both India and Pakistan have hit back with retaliatory bans. While Pakistan fears an Indian strike within 24 to 36 hours—basically, any moment now—we are warned of this daily. Modi, meanwhile, has been spending hours with Shah Rukh Khan, Alia Bhatt and company at the WAVES summit. No time for war, it seems. So far, the only surgical strike from India has been on Fawad Khan’s career. Call it the first casualty of an unstarted war.
Between banning airspace, water, YouTube, Instagram, X handles, and trading nuclear threats and throat-slit gestures, both governments have had their work cut out. The evergreen fantasy of hoisting the Pakistani flag on Lal Qila is back. ‘Kashmir Banega Pakistan’ feels all too real. Be warned: Modi spoke in English about a “befitting reply.” We have deciphered that the attack will also be in English, which, anyway, we won’t understand.
Modi’s ban on Pakistani social media accounts is being called a violation of human rights. Ironically, Pakistan’s own government has been using VPN to access X for over a year—and is now triggered by this hostility from India.
Everyone wants a viral war
In this match, everyone wants to beat everyone. And so everyone’s jumping in—some to boost the army chief’s morale, others for their best jumla. Shahid Afridi, wearing an army jersey, was spotted near the Wagah border saying things more serious than his entire batting career. Holding a teacup, he offered chai to Shikhar Dhawan, while his former teammate Danish Kaneria reminded him how he “refuses to sit or eat with Hindus.”
Then there is Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari who warned that Indian blood will flow if Pakistan’s waters are blocked. An over-enthusiastic senator from PPP suggested sending Army Chief General Asim Munir to recite the first azaan at Babri Masjid. Of course, that’s a regular line in an any army chief’s job description. Others are dreaming of namaz in Delhi’s Jamia Masjid and tea and breakfast at Darul Uloom Deoband in Uttar Pradesh. All these travel plans could have been sorted with a regular tourist visa, but here we are.
Nuclear flex, TV style
Nothing screams “war-ready” like dusting off old nuclear threats. Trust Railway Minister Hanif Abbasi when he tells you that Pakistan is no showpiece atami taqat—the Ghauri and Ghaznawi missiles aren’t just for display. Apparently, all 130 nukes are reserved exclusively for India. Meanwhile, an official stood on the Pakistan High Commission balcony in London with a poster of Abhinandan and made throat-slitting gestures—while also trying to convince the world that Pakistan is a peace-loving nation.
In just ten days, keyboard warriors are oozing with confidence that the war has ended before it began and the winner is you know who—much like all previous victories in Pakistan Studies textbooks. Let’s find solace in the myth that India’s nukes are rusty, wayward and need more carbs, just like the popular-in-Pakistan myth that Indian fast bowlers need to take more proteins.
Confessions that don’t count
India left the Pakistan defence minister defenceless after banning his social media accounts. Yet, he turned up on BBC to share his disdain over how Pakistan has done the West’s “dirty work” by supporting militant groups for over three decades. Bilawal sang the same song, saying Pakistan suffered the most for backing these groups. But such confessions mean nothing when those confessing have no say in how the country has been run or continues to be run.
In today’s hybrid regime, there is no room for course correction. The real rulers don’t believe anything is wrong with the India strategy. When Pakistan’s deputy PM hails a UNSC statement dropping the name of The Resistance Front as a huge achievement and a diplomatic victory, one wonders what failure looks like.
Pakistan also invited India to a joint investigation into the Pahalgam attack. But let’s not forget how the 26/11 Mumbai joint probe ended—with the perpetrators making babies in Adiala jail. It was this pattern of denial that Nawaz Sharif’s civilian government tried to confront in the 2016 Dawn leaks, warning the military establishment to rein in militants or face isolation. “Militant organisations are active. Call them non-state actors. Should we allow them to cross the border and kill 150 people in Mumbai? Explain it to me, why can’t we complete the trial?” His reward? A treason case and becoming isolated himself.
Same script, new actors
Today’s drama is indicative of the 2019 Pulwama-Balakot cycle. The war hysteria remains the same. Only the faces have changed. The loyalists of the previous regime now criticise every action—or inaction—of the current dispensation. Meanwhile, the current darbaris cheer every government move as a masterstroke.
The PTI supporters want Imran Khan released and consulted on India policy. As if he is the missing genius in this mess. Is anyone even consulting the current Prime Minister, Shehbaz Sharif? Throwing a tantrum, the PTI decided not to attend the government’s security briefing on the current crises. So much for national unity.
The amusing part is how the tides have turned on former army chief Qamar Javed Bajwa and ex-ISI head Faiz Hameed. YouTubers are now thanking God that they aren’t at the helm of affairs—as if they were bigger villains than Modi. The old charges have resurfaced: “They [Bajwa-Faiz-Imran] let Abhinandan go,” they “wanted peace with India,” and “our tanks had no fuel.” But wait—wasn’t the entire schtick about Abhinandan having fantastic tea as a guest? Why would they have kept him longer? Especially since Modi had threatened a 9-missile strike?
The fault lines within are a great source of enjoyment for Arnab Goswami as PML-N and PTI leaders fight on his show over who’s the bigger “ISI ka tattoo”. In this TV war, the targets (ratings) have been locked in—and there’s no need for nukes.
Naila Inayat is a journalist from Pakistan. Her X handle is @nailainayat. Views are personal.
(Edited by Prashant)