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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
- Mohandas K Gandhi
This is meant only as satire and is at best an infantile attempt at comedy.
This is a test of your strength.
(S)laughter is the best medicine.
- The Joker
So, I am killing it…
Namaskaaram, Mr. Donald Trumpji,
We, the stalwart defenders of inefficiency, doyens of procedural delay, and high priests of policy for personal profit—otherwise known as the IAS —write to you with a mixture of admiration, suspicion, and mild bureaucratic condescension.
It has come to our attention that you have recently imposed tariffs in the grand tradition of economic isolationism, all under the divine banner of “Making America Great Again.” Naturally, we applaud this effort, not for its impact (we do not concern ourselves with impact, only intent), but for its uncanny resemblance to something we have been doing since Nehru was a lad in khadi.
Let us be perfectly clear: you have copied our homework. And badly if I may say so. Where are the endless forms? The multi-year review committees? The misfiled memos that mysteriously resurface in 2047?
In our golden days of “License Raj,” we turned tariff imposition into a fine art—a delicate dance involving three ministries, four subcommittees, and an astrologer. Industry captains would descend upon North Block like pilgrims at Kumbh Mela, bearing tribute in the form of “consulting fees,” “CSR partnerships,” and in some beautiful cases, cricket match tickets.
Imitation, albeit a poor one is the best form of flattery, and we are consummately flattered. We need not be flabbergasting over the blatant plagiarism, but a royalty of 10% would be nice. Our NDA with the Swiss banks is attached herewith.
So, when we see your steel and aluminum tariffs, our hearts swell with nostalgic joy. But also, a touch of professional envy. We also noted the best part: the supplication ceremony. The groveling industry bosses at your coronation. That they paid for it is as we Indians call it “Sone pe Suhaaga” (“Borax on Gold” in US English) which is better than “Icing on the cake” which is the Kings English.
Trumpji, you must beware of sleep loss, taking midnight phone calls from your brother-in-law’s cousin lobbying for a tariff waiver for his artisanal garden gnome business. I suggest that you install a revolving door between the Department of Commerce and the boardroom of Trump Tariffs Inc.? The revolving door is to be tolled by a battery of peons and clerks (Facilitating Assistants in US English). We have 24 such employees clogging our revolving door, one for each spoke of the wheel on our national flag. You may have 63 such Facilitating Assistants standing for the sum of the number of stars and stripes on your flag.
You must formalize this chaos, Trumpji. We recommend a “Committee for Tariff Exemptions and Strategic Donations,” chaired by someone with no qualifications but a stunning mustache. Invite applications with a non-refundable processing fee (we recommend routing it to an NGO chaired by your son). Offer exemptions only after applicants attend a 5-day Residential Tariff Orientation Program (R-TOP) in Mar-a-Lago.
Now, if I may, let’s talk about mutual exchange of best practices.
We in the IAS have pioneered techniques in mooching taxpayer money that would even make your Defense Department blush. Take, for example, our sacred annual “study tours,” where we go to Switzerland to study slum rehabilitation, or fly to Finland to examine rural cattle insurance. Surely there’s a Trump Hotel somewhere in Ibiza that can be co-opted for a Global Mooching Symposium?
In exchange, we’d love to learn the fine art of appointing family members to every possible position of power. We’ve tried, but nepotism in India is so mainstream, it’s lost its novelty. Teach us your ways. Perhaps, Ivanka can lead a workshop?
Let us unite, Trumpji. Let American and Indian Bureaucracy hold hands across the oceans in a glorious partnership of performative governance, elite grifting, and the subtle annihilation of accountability.
Awaiting your RSVP—and your donation to our cultural exchange yatra (sponsored by Chai Pe Charcha Mutual Fund LLP )
With deepest reverence and minor irritation,
Shri Balasubramanian U. Ghorabhogi, IAS (Retd)
Senior Fellow, Institute for Advanced Obfuscation;
Chair, Committee for Strategic Tariffs & Hospitality Suites
High Praise followed at once…
By: Shri Bhaktavatsalam U. Ghorabhogi (BUG), IAS (Retd), Honorary Chairman, Bureau of Eternal Red Tape & Tea Breaks
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