Men are from Mars and women are obsessed with the moon. Believe it or not, this week, some of them spent Rs 4,000 to sit in a healing circle under the full moon to align their “dating intentions” and “release blockages” to find the love of their lives. It’s not socially acceptable yet to howl like werewolves to celebrate the white dusty ball up in the sky, but give it a few more lunar cycles and we’ll get there. That’s how lit modern dating is these days.
As someone who is not a stranger to illogical obsessions, even I am spooked by the lunar lunacy. Apparently, if you text your ex back on a full moon night it won’t be a disaster like everyone keeps telling you it would be. You must never start a relationship during the waxing crescent phase because it will struggle to survive. And never meet someone for casual hook-ups during a new moon because it would automatically become serious. A 28-year-old engineer recently cancelled his date, planned weeks in advance, because his mom told him that the “moon is intense tonight”. He swore he wasn’t joking.
No matter what side of the internet you live on, you can’t escape the moon madness. The Astrology Industrial Complex is thriving and fueled by heartbreak. Alongside buying into the grift that is dating apps, the girlies are also installing personalised astrology apps like Astrotalk and Co-star to investigate the same tired mystery—will he ever text back? It’s much, much cheaper than therapy and doesn’t involve any real emotional exploration, just a million little stars in the sky you blame for all your failed relationships. When Neil Armstrong made that “giant leap for mankind,” I doubt he imagined we’d one day be paying to “realign” ourselves with the rock he stepped on.
Lunar madness
No shade to witchcraft, but things are getting a little out of hand. A 21-year-old I know is convinced that every time she meets her situationship on a full moon night, he takes one step closer to commitment. How many full moons will it take him to actually be on the same page as her? Nobody knows, the crystals are yet to get back to her with an answer. She’s also read every research paper on how the moon is connected to the menstrual cycle—which means her love life is now officially tide-dependent. Who is going to tell her that her Hinge hookup will stay emotionally unavailable in all lunar phases?
If you’d like to avoid people like her, watch out for the “spiritual but not religious” red flag in dating bios. These are the ones so hauntingly determined they’ll write your name on a bay leaf, burn it under the moonlight, and call it “manifesting love”. Some say it’s still better than the voodoo doll business, but is it?
I broke my brain finding out everything about the outrageous theories of the moon-sick lovers, so you don’t have to. They are very serious about the magic of moonlight-charged water. Got a crush? Drink it to make him “feel your vibration”. It’s also recommended for people with zodiac signs that are ruled by the moon to date someone ruled by mars—it’s called ‘synastry’, the most passionate pairing. Astrologers also claim waning moons help “release attachments”. It’s a perfect window to ghost someone.
I wonder if the government should introduce a licensing exam for Astro experts, tarot readers, and kundali analysts. Each contestant gets three days to make a nonchalant man fall in love with a “spiritual” girl. Losers should be banned from posting reels forever. In fact, here’s a fresh idea for Netflix—Indian Matchmaking: Celestial Edition. Let Sima Aunty finally prove that “jodiyan upar se hi ban ke aati hain”.
We need something to bust these moon myths of modern dating. Gen Z girlies are becoming lunar-tics.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)