In a world where groceries arrive in 10 minutes and relationships die in 24 hours, who has the patience for a five-date rule? Delaying intimacy was supposed to be the ultimate filter for “the one” vs “the one-night”, but it turned out to be a leaky sieve. Anyone determined enough will wait out five polite dinners, make the small talk, pick up the cheque—and still Houdini the next morning. Gen Z knows ghosts don’t need five dates to float away; sometimes they excuse themselves to the washroom and never come back.
For 20-somethings, the real test of patience is surviving weeks of memes, voice notes, and ‘wyd?’ texts before meeting IRL. That’s delayed gratification enough. If the vibes match, who cares if it’s five days or five minutes? On Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder, the pros know to get active on Friday morning—securing the night’s best plans before they vanish. Miss that window and you’re doomed to a week of dry texts, delayed replies, and the grim prospect of waiting till next Friday to finally meet. If the wait is entertaining at all, congratulations: you’ve officially entered the high-stakes, utterly redundant circus known as the ‘talking stage’. The hours I’ve wasted in this penitentiary, smiling like a fool and hoping for some grand climax at week’s end? Let me save you the suspense: it’s rarely grand.
And I am not the smartest in my tribe. A lot of straight women doing the modern dating dance want to be disappointed on the first date itself—no need to waste five outfits for the same letdown. Some swear by a two-date rule: the first to suss out the guy and perfect their apsara-level facade, the second (if it happens) to test the sexual tension. Of course, it can all fizzle if the man wants it too much. A recently married friend didn’t feel a spark with her now-husband until the third date. You see why a restraining rule on romp can never work? We’re all wired a little differently, and every fling comes with its own quirks.
We also love a pleasure delayer—someone charming who makes you enjoy the anticipation of it all, more than indulging in it. That was Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky (2001). A high school teacher in South Delhi identifies with him, but catch him in a weak moment and he’ll tell you he’s just a bit insecure about his skills.
Also read: The dating pool is depleting. Gen Z is fishing in the friend zone
Test before you invest
White women influencers—often married with kids—make high-energy Reels warning women against hooking up on the first date. “This is not how you find love”. “He will never respect you.” People who do find romance by letting all the walls down from the get-go are called exceptions. And a section of Gen Z, who have cancelled smoking and drinking as useless activities, have also joined the anti-sex puritans. Meanwhile, the rest of the lot is googling whether “fast-forwarding to dessert” voids their chances at a second date. It’s all about now or never.
Trying to act sane, one girlie working in psychology research stopped herself from taking first dates home. A little sacrifice in the name of love, she convinced herself. Then she met a Hinge match she could sync her Spotify with and text all day, no shoulder brush required to keep the momentum going. Sadly, the grand finale at his flat after six tipsy dates was a flop. Now, she has only one rule—test before you invest. “You can’t make aachar of intimacy without sexual compatibility,” she preaches.
When I went around asking men about their perspective on the instant relief/delayed gratification question, their answers were surprisingly powerless. “Whenever she wants,” was a common response, even though not in the same words. Turns out, most men (at least the ones in my echochamber) just don’t want to come on strong and lose out on a chance at intimacy. A few reluctantly confessed to “expecting” at least a kiss at the end of a good first date. And then there are my ex-situationships, hookups, and flings—all vocally ‘now and here’ kind of guys. Instant relief is why Hinge exists for them—I’d be a hypocrite if I judged them.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly.
Views are personal. The author tweets @ratanpriya4.
(Edited by Prasanna Bachchhav)