There comes a moment in every relationship when three words make you pause: “What are we?” When you are on dating apps and meeting people, these three words take on a whole new meaning for Gen Z.
Are we star-crossed lovers, friends with benefits, twin flames, soulmates, or just Saturday night specialists of the bedroom? I don’t have the guts or the will to ask my insignificant others. Scratching the ‘what are we’ itch in this economy feels like inviting a chronic scar—one that festers and festers as we navigate the labyrinth of modern dating, eventually blocking the only Hinge guy with whom you shared real chemistry.
That’s why I read 500 listicles a week to gauge the seriousness of my situationships — 5 Signs He Likes You More Than He Shows, 10 Obvious Gestures That Indicate Things Are Moving From Hookup Stage To Deep Attachment, 50 Body-Language Signs He Is Into You. Who wants clarity when you can make assumptions? That’s what Lalit Modi did when he hard-launched his relationship with Sushmita Sen in 2022. My hunch is that their relationship would have lasted at least one more month if he had pretended to “go with the flow” like we 20-somethings do.
The age to be nonchalant
Often, going with the flow means intense pining on one end and complete indifference on the other. Take, for instance, a 21-year-old youngling in Pune who is in a delicate flirtationship—she doesn’t want her favourite Tinder match to be her boyfriend but can’t stand it when he calls her a “friend”. He makes things difficult when he sends her kinky memes, shows up for regular dates, vents about his dog’s kidney problems, but doesn’t want anything serious. He’s just super friendly like that. Every time she decides to pull away, he becomes exceptionally nice to her. She doesn’t expect anything from him—only that he follows the mumblecore love story script shaping in her mind. But he improvises and leaves her a little more conflicted after every phone call. What are they? Probably not made for each other.
Her friend, who got struck with the celestial curse of being in a relationship with an effortless Earl, is in no position to give advice. She is the long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend — Barbie to the Koregaon Park-trotter Ken. When she asks him, “Would you still love me if I were a worm?”, he answers with utmost honesty: “Of course not.” I’m no love guru, but isn’t this a cautionary tale in the mighty dating bible?
Maybe this is what happens when you finally land the guy you so desperately wanted to make things official with. Why employ someone for a full-time job to burst your romantic bubble when you can just enjoy the fantasy from a comfortable distance? It’s like splurging on recliner seats to an unacclaimed movie you could simply torrent at your home.
There are no easy answers to the What Are We milestone in a relationship. Or should I call it the roadblock in a relationship? Instead, what Gen Z has are labels. We have the language to size you up, pin you down, and tie you to a hashtag. Or just change your name in our phone contact list. That way it hurts less, and we can walk away with our dignity still wrapped in cotton wool.
As an older, wiser, and moderately accomplished lover girl, I am obviously doing better. I don’t like labels, so I call one dude my Lajpat Nagar hang. Another, the art conservator—it’s not romantic, just his job. One comrade in Gurugram calls a 5 ’11-Zomato-employed-engineer—that she is definitely not dating—“my Jesus”. It makes sense because he’s lanky and sports a wavy medieval hairstyle. Many refer to their dating app finds as “distractions” or “that one”. It doesn’t matter because what we truly are to the faces swiping left and right; on the other end is a gaping void of nothing. After all, it’s the age of nonchalant flings.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Humra Laeeq)