The manly man has long been benched; it’s the soft boy, the fruity man who’s winning all the matches and hearts on dating apps now. He plans sip-and-paint dates, wears linen pants, and enjoys fruity cocktails. There’s something about his cheery grin and sustained eye contact that screams emotional availability. And if he remembers your name and says it out loud? Ooh, he’s irresistible.
The bar seems pretty much underground, but you’d be surprised how it’s still sky-high for men trying to seem desirable. They’re now expected to read, care about women’s cricket, skip the ‘harmless sexist jokes’ and listen to women rant without offering solutions. These are qualities an average single girl likes in a man, and she still might call him a ‘performative male’ for ticking every box. And if a man does finally achieve the attention of a self-respecting woman—literally acting like a fluffy golden retriever—he can’t be sure if her girl friends will approve of him.
Selena Gomez had to make her now-husband do so many soul-searching interviews for her parasocial female besties to look beyond his “ugliness”. People magazine featured him as one of their Sexiest Men Alive contenders, and nobody bought it. Thankfully, the PR budget didn’t go to waste because now Benny Blanco is the certified soft boy, the fruity little man-type, very much in demand in the current dating market. Of course, he’s no Pedro Pascal; women actually want to date him.
The annoying popularity of *Nobody Wants This*—and Adam Brody as its male protagonist—is really just proof of our cultural shift to “softness.” Sure, he’s deeply conflicted, but he dares to give up his place in society for the love of his life. Noble, yes. But also, he acts like he’s the last romantic on Earth.
I can’t quite root for a man who’s been granted the divine right to mansplain as a Rabbi. My vote goes to his brother, Sasha. Tall, goofy, and emotionally fluent. Sasha’s the type who’ll learn to dance just to make his wife smile—what woman wouldn’t melt for him?
Closer to home, some of the sizzling softies currently ruling the social media timelines are Amol Parashar, Siddhant Chaturvedi and Adarsh Gourav. They all seem to have a healthy relationship with their moisturiser. And they have impeccable muscle cuts. Parashar is, however, disappointed in women. He said that he’s spent years telling men to work on their charm and personality—only to realise women hardly care about it. Every time he posts a picture, the comments scream in unison: “Veins! Veins! Veins!” Don’t worry, it’s just his girlfriend making him say things. He digs the attention.
Meanwhile, guys too rooted in their masculinity are having a hard time defending their “primal” ways. The poor things have been left growling on podcasts, trying to prove that HIIT workouts are actually better than therapy. You can find saying things like “all great leaders are emotionally conspitated.” Their arguments aren’t even evolving anymore—just going in circles of insecurity. “All these golden retrievers are gay,” they grunt into mics. As if that’s ever stopped a woman—if anything, it’s half the appeal.
Also read: Be soft, smile more, never text first—‘feminine energy’ is men’s new obsession
Survival of the softest
In this era of survival of the softest, men must unlearn the one lesson drilled into them about manhood—never act like a woman. A 27-year-old school teacher loves how her boyfriend cares about his nails and protects them with transparent varnish. Somedays, when he feels extra whimsical, he paints his toenails coral pink. His dudebros wouldn’t get it, of course, so he keeps his socks on around them. “It’s okay, real men hide their pedicures,” says the girlfriend.
Not every woman feels comfortable dating a princess of a man—they prefer being let down by 30-year-old Indian uncles first. A Delhi-based climate policy researcher once ghosted a man because he sounded “effeminate” in his WhatsApp voice notes. Now, after dating a guy who drank like a Viking and roared at her exactly like her dad, she’s switched sides. Currently, she’s yearning after a Marathi boy who talks softly, dodges her ragebaits like a pro and shares bhindi recipes with her. “He will be the first boyfriend I don’t actually hate,” she told me.
Without a doubt, the most desirable straight man of the modern dating pool acts like a character written by a woman. But my Instagram timeline has convinced me that even he is easily avoidable. Now that British Vogue has declared that having a boyfriend is cringe, the internet is rooting for single women to stay man-free forever.
This article is part of a series of columns on modern dating in India—the good, the bad and the cuddly. Views are personal. The author tweets @ratanpriya4.
(Edited by Saptak Datta)