Dating app bios are an unmined land of memes. It’s wild how Gen Z and millennials are pitching themselves for right swipes. After the last upgrade on Bumble and Hinge, two-line ‘about me’ intros and side-profile selfies don’t cut it anymore. Now, we get to see a riveting collection of humanity revealed in several inconsequential personal tidbits—the apps call it ‘prompts’. Now you can cringe at a gym rat’s mirror selfies and listen to him mansplain CrossFit. It’s top-notch entertainment.
From dad jokes to ‘proud Hindu’ disclaimers, they are revealing everything and nothing to stand out as the most fascinating fish in the sea of singles.
While you can never tell a serial killer from boyfriend material just by reading their bios, most of the time they share enough on their profiles to make swiping left a safe bet. If he writes that he’s looking for “a girl who doesn’t take herself seriously”, he’s a professional gaslighter. Guys who introduce themselves as “Swiftie, not guilty” in all likelihood haven’t heard a single song by Taylor Swift. Some think their height makes up for their lack of personality. One guy’s bio on Bumble read, “6’2 because every inch counts when you’re reaching for the top shelf.” I would pick a ladder over him. But he’s still more self-aware than the guys who call themselves “avid readers” and only have Kite Runner and Chetan Bhagat to talk about. Then there are men who claim to be an ‘open book’— that’s just lazy posturing. They’re barely pamphlets.
Also read: Gen Z is giving up on dating apps. Turning to parents, Shaadi.com & LinkedIn
Crowd-tested buzzwords
During my research so far—swiping through Hinge bios—I’ve come across many comedic gems, often camouflaged in grammatically disastrous sentences. My all-time favorite? “We will get along if you are up for some productive days and reproductive nights.” Isn’t he a catch? Next in my collection is the man who described himself as an old-school lover in one section of his profile but listed “looking for intimacy without commitment” in another. Talk about mixed signals. In the list of random skills, one guy mentioned, “I can get romantic within a minute.” Another wrote, “Swipe left if you’re not funny and smart.” Last but not least is the man probably looking for some pre-marital hand-holding but has unfortunately spelled it as “martial”. Or maybe that’s not a typo.
Safe to say, dating app bios help filter out all the misfits and creeps. A boy, who apparently survived the dark side of polyamory, has added a warning—in all caps—to his profile. “POLY WALE PLEASE DOOR RAHIYE MUJHE AUR STD NAHI CHAIYE.” (Poly people please stay away, I don’t need more STDs.)
A fellow journalist who is looking for a man of culture, has enlisted Virginia Woolf and Tracy Chapman to stand guard in her bio. They keep all the dilettantes away. She also swipes left on anyone who says they love to go on long drives. “I have Uber for that,” she says.
Everyone curates dating app bios looking for the specific brand of human they want to date. But some menfolk give me secondhand embarrassment the way they shamelessly pepper their profiles with crowd-tested buzzwords. They’ve got all the right talking points and things like “I have golden retriever boyfriend energy” and “Let’s smash the patriarchy together”. As a rule, I don’t swipe right on dudes who put “feminism” in their list of “interests”. You can’t fool me, it’s the oldest trick in the male pick-me book.
Views are personal.
(Edited by Theres Sudeep)