Casanova, lady killer, bad boy, or that F-bomb before ‘boy’—a straight man who wants all the perks of a relationship without the commitment goes by many names. His dating style is a case study in entitlement and bare minimum efforts.
He has had a makeover.
Now, he’s become even more sinister, armed with therapy-speak to excuse his behaviour. He has the whole universe of mental health language in his armour. Suddenly, he’s ‘anxious-avoidant’. He has trauma from childhood, he has abandonment issues, he has a trust deficit because he was beaten as a child, and he isn’t emotionally demonstrative because his parents didn’t treat him right. His love language—obviously—is physical touch. And as he runs around leaving emotional carnage, we let him off easy by calling him ‘emotionally unavailable’.
Is he winning? Absolutely.
The danger of Gen Z ‘soft boys’
Emotional vampires at best, some bad boys are a special delicacy of dating apps. The tactless ones show off their ripped muscles in profile pictures and write “don’t get attached” in their bios. Simple, direct, no fake pleasantries. They are the ‘studs’ we low-key respect. But the Gen Z soft boys with cute cat photos and floral shirts? Real danger. Almost all of them have a sob story to share on first dates. They don’t smash and dash, they stay for the cuddles. All their niceness is a ploy to never make you feel that you’re being played.
They thrive on women’s Mother Teresa complex. In the 21st-century version of the fairy tale, it’s the women who rescue bad boys. Once you’re hooked, they hit you with—“but I’m not looking for a relationship”. He’s the king of casual, dropping empty ‘I love you’ texts at midnight like a drunk poet. As a smart woman, I recognise this game. But I always fall for it too. Not even my therapist would sympathise with me.
Almost all enlightened F-boys are calling themselves polyamorous these days. They are in every girl’s Instagram follower list, and nobody can accuse them of cheating. They don’t sleep around; they practice ‘ethical non-monogamy’. All they care about is the poly part—amory can take a hike as long as their calendar stays packed. These men have given ghosting a new twist: they vanish for days and then pop up, randomly liking your Instagram stories to show (in a not-so-subtle way) that they’re ‘still around’.
Also read: Gen-Z dating is defined by a long list of icks
Karma is best served in high heels
My friend from boarding school often gets tangled up with this breed of men. She is the love-struck heroine who always thinks she can ‘fix’ them – yes, that same messiah complex. She did make some progress at first. In three months, she made the tote-bag-carrying-bad-boy get her a flower and even made him plan weekly movie dates. The fruits of emotional labour were sweet and snuggly. But, as always, the F-boy relapsed. On her birthday, he was blowing out scented candles in another girl’s apartment. When she confronted him, he casually said, “I never said we were exclusive.”
Our self-proclaimed girlfriend swallowed her anger and plotted her revenge. Two days later, when he showed up all excited at her door, she greeted him in full-face makeup and a backless dress. “Oops, I’ve got a date tonight,” she said, and walked out. And just like that, she taught him karma is best served in high heels.
Breaking a bad boy’s ego is cathartic. Maybe the best way to handle him is to match his energy and start liking photos of all his hot friends. But my issue is how do you do that when he’s smooth enough to not reveal his true colours?
My last romantic riddler, who was very hard to get rid of, quoted Urdu poets to explain why he’s ‘emotionally unavailable’. In the end, I got tired of googling meanings of heavy-duty words like naaqis, qayaas and whatnot and moved on.
(Edited by Zoya Bhatti)