My loyal readers, you know how the role of Director General of Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence is more important than the prime minister. Or, on some occasions, even bigger than the army chief. To whoever it may concern that I share my name Asim Malik with the COAS—that’s just to confuse the world. What do you know about me? Just that I have a perfect beauty plus app introductory photo. But there’s more to me than just my beauty; I’ve got some brains too.
Now, as the head of the world’s number one intelligence agency, I care for you all as my own children. If anyone deserves the Father of the Year Award, it’s me. My predecessor, Nadeem Anjum, wanted to remain in the shadows during his tenure, even barring the media from publishing his photos at times.
You can say that Gen. Anjum is a fan of Taliban supreme leader Hibatullah Akhundzada, whose existence is also shrouded in mystery. Anjum was in the photos—until he wasn’t. That changed when he decided to hold that historic press conference, where he cried out loud about how the Pakistan army was treated by the people. But said nothing on the way the army had treated the country for several decades. Anyhow, who cares about political meddling when you confess it in front of the world.
Speaking of another former DG ISI, Faiz Hameed, who is now resting in jail. Hameed’s fun times ended quickly like his tea in the Kabul Serena. Was his tea fantastic? He ruled over Pakistan with a Donkey King in the prime minister’s office. I also need my own donkey as PM. As the new DG, it seems my job is to either avoid court-martial proceedings or just exist—with or without photographs—and everything will be okay. It turns out my seniors have set the bar very low.
Multiverse of undercover work
My dear countrymen, to those of you crying over the military coup in Bangladesh and feeling FOMO, I’d say don’t worry—apna time aye ga. Our time will come. Even better, our time is evergreen in this green land of Pakistan. Nawaz Sharif was Modi ka yaar, and we removed him. Sheikh Hasina was Modi’s yaar; we got rid of her too. Ashraf Ghani was India’s friend, and we also took care of him. I take full credit for all the successes, here and beyond.
My next target is the presidential elections in the US. A regime change is inevitable there, and as a Phd holder on Pakistan-US relations, my aim is to get Donald Trump elected. I’ve heard Kamala Harris is an Indian—aka Modi’s yaar—so what’s the point of helping her win when I’d need to overthrow her like Hasina? I accept your congratulatory messages in advance.
Don’t worry; I know about the Kashmir elections, but I care less at this point. Though I have read your complaints on the Indian election results and how Modi won, let me reassure you: Rahul Gandhi heading the opposition works for Pakistan. I beam with pride over my intelligence agency’s performance in neighbouring countries—this is exactly how the world’s number one and most professional units behave.
Professionalism reminds me of the Kargil War, which Pakistan never fought—until it did. Twenty-five years later, army chief Asim Munir claimed the martyrdom of Pakistani soldiers in Kargil, who were earlier called non-state actors or mujahideen who started a war with India. Much like how Ajmal Kasab was not a Pakistani, these fallen soldiers now are.
You could argue that our non-state actors hardly listen to us. If you want to measure my agency’s global success, watch Netflix series IC 814: The Kandahar Hijack, which tells you that Pakistan has nothing to do with hijacking or Masood Azhar. And this is happening without us spending even one rupee. Imagine the results if we spend money on a film on the 26/11 attacks.
Keep calm and recite the Quran will be my mantra as I plan to follow in the footsteps of another ex DG ISI, now COAS Asim Munir. His advice on the evils of inimical forces and social media, and youth getting dejected in the light of Quranic verses is a welcome addition in this multiverse of undercover work. Under my command the world will also see the recruitment of ISI’s youngest spy, a few weeks old daughter of Dr Rubina from Pathaan, who you also know as Deepika Padukone. Our network is expanding by the hour.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General X (formerly General Twitter). The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
Editor’s Note: We know the writer well and only allow pseudonyms when we do so.
(Edited by Ratan Priya)